5 Other Absurd R. Kelly Songs That Could Be Our National Anthem

03.08.13 5 years ago 10 Comments

Let’s settle on two facts before getting started here.

1. Nothing stays the same forever.

2. Robert Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” is, was and will always be…awesome.

Combining these two American truths, some brave souls took it upon themselves to speak on behalf of the nation. Francis Scott Key’s national anthem – which turns a whooping 200 years young next year – has about run its course. The proposed replacement? Robert Kelly’s automotive-inspired “Ignition.”

We, the undersigned, would like the Obama administration to recognize the need for a new national anthem, one that even a decade after its creation, is still hot and fresh out the kitchen. America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody. President Obama: we ask you to recognize the evolution of this beautiful country and give us an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become.

This is the United States of America; a country built on thievary, oppression and bigotry. But between all the sad stuff, we’re a pretty awesome place who has given the world french fries, ESPN, Martin, the Civil Rights Movement, Facebook, toilet paper (you’re welcome) and Richard Pryor. And if we can secure approximately 91,000 signatures by April 2 – Marvin Gaye’s birthday! – we will have proven to the world once again Americans are all for change and forward-thinking.

So, even if we don’t get “Ignition” as the national anthem, we have five other songs that we can follow up with to propose to the good people of Washington, D.C.

“The Zoo” — Picture it. You know the “and the home of the brave” line in the “Star-Spangled Banner” always gets sung in unison by crowds? Imagine if everyone mimicked the animal sounds on “The Zoo”? oooh-oooh-oooh-oooh-ahhhh-ahhhh-ahhhh

“You Remind Me Of My Jeep” — Seriously, how can this great country of ours NOT remind you a Jeep? Did it not get where it wanted to go thanks to hard-working Black objects, too? Get it? Tires! Okay, we’ll escort ourselves out.

“Feelin On Yo Booty” — Same as “The Zoo.” We all tilt our heads and close our eyes as we belt out the “boooot-tieeeee” portion. A true nation in peace and harmony.

“Thoia Thoing” — Is “yewave” a word? No, but we say “banner yeeeewave” all the time. Well, R. Kelly can make up catchy words, too. And those words are “thoia” and “thoing.”

“Bump and Grind” — We don’t see anything wrong with having “Bump and Grind” as our National Anthem. Did our forefathers not bump out the oppressive Redcoats and grind our ways to a new nation? And who could possibly see anything wrong with that?

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