AFC East Midseason Report Card

10.28.13 4 years ago 16 Comments


I dont know if your new around here but Im not in the business of giving you a gold star halfway through things. You dont halfass something and the fact is if each of these teams didnt win a nother game they wouldnt make the playoffs so I have to admit that affected how these teams graded out for me.

Bills – Incomplete

EJ Manuels no stranger to seeing “Incomplete” on his statsheet folks. This was suppose to be CJ Spillers year, but I guess when some of these modern day Running Backs here the word “breakout” they’re instinctual reaction is to check themselves into the training room or whatever free clinic happens to be close by. Spiller can’t make the club in the tub and it sounds like Marrone needs to hang up a banner reminding these guys that “THE PURPOSE OF THE TRAINING ROOM IS TO GET YOU OUT OF THE TRAINING ROOM.” EJ Manuel has been getting better as the seasons gone on. He started out looking like a rookie but now he’s realy turned a corner and fully embracing his feet-first athleticism instead of trying to become a square peg and pass the ball with the big boys.

New England Patriots – Dropped (Passing) 

I like to have a little fun with it and call this team “The Brady Bunch” (Tom Bradys there QB). The Elephant in the room besides Danny Amendolas groin is the fact that Tommy Terrific hasnt won a Superbowl ring without Mike Vrabel.  Hes starting to get some help from Gronk but  its better to have a LB playing TE because it confuses the heck out of the defense who sometimes cant figure out whats going on. The Pats O is looking nice as usual, if you dont count Kembrell Thompkins dropping things more often then his fantasy owners. But the real issue here is going to be the defense. I literally cant name a single player on the Patriots D Off the Top of My Head but I guess neither could David Tyree folks.

New York Jets – Truant, Spent All There Time In The Nurse’s Office

Usually when Rex Ryans talking about snatching anything from the feet he’s entering vinegar stroke territory but “The Cardiac Cessnas” (TM- PFTCommenter) have pulled out a couple squeaky wins. Lets call a spade a spade here- the Jets are the most 1-7 team of all time to have a 4-4 record. Instead’ve going to get a goddamn snack maybe Rex should go get a goddamn free safety folks. Giving up 5 TDs to Andy Dalton isnt just something that happens- its something you LET happen. Ever since coach got his stomach pinned back he thinks he’s all cool or healthy or whatever, but the only lb that Ryan should be concerned about losing is Calvin Pace. This defense is looking like it could be a mutiny or whatever its called when it happens on a airplaine if Rex doesnt get his edge back by packing on some pounds. A teams defense takes on the shape of its leader and in this case the Jets need to be running a Wide Base  to stop the run, not concerning themselfs with Skinny Posts. Rex is a better coach when hes fat so let me be the first to formally call for him to pig out on scrapple-milkshakes during the bye week and get those guys back to hootin and hollerin to support there big clown of a fat coach, no offence.

Miami Dolphins – Started off hot but then they got caught having the Cambodian kid to take there tests for them now there failing- F

If this were a contest for who had a hot wife and lazy WRs Ryan Tannehill would be MVP but its not, its the NFL and people forget that. Mike Pouncey just got subpoenad which is actually standard legal practice for anyone making over $50,000 a year in Miami, but the bigger concern here is his judgment in selling guns to a guy who was using those guns to shoot people all the time thats just not smart business but neither is giving 20 millions dollars to a guy with a degree from Florida IMO.

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