Always Be Covering: The Propositions

01.28.11 7 years ago 49 Comments

Take some time out during the bye week to hug a bulldog.

Nobody enjoys the bye week. Throwing the Pro Bowl in to the void is meaningless, because nobody has ever sat down to watch the Pro Bowl in its entirety. That’s a fact. OK, maybe it’s more theory than fact. But it’s probably true. And more importantly, it should be true. If you’re looking to fill the void this weekend I suggest getting out of the house. Being near a television on Sunday will just remind you that there is no football to watch.

That being said, it is still Friday, and we still need something to take the edge off of that gambling jones. No matter how hard up you are, do not bet on the Pro Bowl. That’s worse than watching the Pro Bowl. Instead, bet on something even dumber. Super Bowl propositions. They have lousy pay-outs and they’re incredibly stupid, but they can make a boring game/gathering more enjoyable. Let’s take a look at what Bodog is offering up this year.

Will Christina Aguilera wear a cowboy hat while singing the National Anthem?

Yes +300

And we’re off to an inspired start! First of all, you know it’s a terrible bet when there’s only one potential outcome for you to choose. Bodog doesn’t bother offering you a “No” option, which tells you that “Yes” should pay somewhere closer to 10/1. A cursory GIS indicates that Christina does not have proclivity towards Stetsons, and while a more specific follow up search does show off her riding form. Still, no hat.

How long will it take Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem?

Over 1 minute 50 seconds -125
Under 1 minute 50 seconds -115

Why is she even singing the anthem? Her last album tanked, and her foray in to feature films was not particularly well received. Regardless, this number is set pretty high (last year Bodog predicted a time of 1:42 for Carrie Underwood. I’m tempted to go with the over, knowing how long Christina holds those notes.

How long will Christina Aguilera hold the note “Brave” at the end of the National Anthem?

Over 6 seconds -140
Under 6 seconds EVEN

Speaking of which, I believe this is a new one for 2011. And thank god that we can finally bet on the amount of time it takes to sing a single word. That makes me feel much better about humanity. I say go with the over. If anything Christina has something to prove, especially with that little attention whore Lea Michelle singing God Bless America. You just know she’s going to stretch “home sweet home” out for a full minute.

Will Fergie be dressed as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader at any point during the Halftime show?
Must be completely dressed a an authentic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader for Yes to be graded as the winner.

Yes +500

It’s basically a repeat of the cowboy hat bet, only far less likely. Would Jerry even want her dressed up like one of his beloved cheerleaders? What if she pisses herself again?

How Many Times will FOX show Jerry Jones on TV during the Game?

Over 2.5 (-130)
Under 2.5 (-110)

Keep in mind, this is a kickoff to final whistle situation. I’m sure Jerry will be all over the pregame show, but they’ll probably steer clear of him during the game itself. That said, I’m sure he’ll get on camera at least once during the halftime show. They’ll probably show him one other time during the game itself, especially if he’s sharing the owner’s box with “Dolla Bill” Goodell. So I’d stick with the under, but be warned, if a punt hits the giant television this will go over.

What will Fergie be wearing when she first appears on stage during the Super Bowl Halftime Show?

Skirt/Dress EVEN
Pants (Below Knees) EVEN
Shorts (Above Knees) +350
Thong/G-String/Bikini Bottom +1000

Let’s go ahead and cross out that last one, because there’s no way the network is letting someone as trashy looking as Fergie get away with anything that could result in a fine from the FCC. I’m putting my money on shorts while praying that her shirt is less revealing than the one we saw last year from Pete Townshend.

Who will FOX show first on TV during the game?

Jessica Szohr (Aaron Rodgers’ Girlfriend) -140
Ashley Harlan (Ben Roethlisberger’s Fiancee) EVEN

You’ll have to ask TBL.

How Many Times will FOX mention “Brett Favre” on TV during the Game?

Over 2.5 (-130)
Under 2.5 (-110)

WAYTOOFUCKINGMANY. They have no reason to mention him. None whatsoever. He is no longer in the league, and unless he sends Joe Buck a(nother?) naughty text, he’s not newsworthy. So any mention of Favre will be one too many. Go with the under and pray.

How Many Times will FOX mention “Lockout” on TV during the Game?

Over 1.5 (-110)
Under 1.5 (-130)

Bang the under. Hard. The NFL doesn’t want to hear shit about the labor dispute, and FOX should be quick to comply. There’s a good chance that one mention leaks out, but the chances of Joe Buck or Troy Aikman saying the word “lockout” twice seems like it should be pretty high. They’re more robotic than Cleatus, and I’m sure they’re programed to say only positive things, specifically when it comes to ownership.

Who will the FOX announcers say has better hair on TV during the Game?

Troy Polamalu -120
Clay Matthews-120

Holy shit, really? Are they expected to have some sort of tale of the tape? Troy Aikman will have to abstain, out of fear of saying anything that might come across as being even remotely gay.

What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?

Blue 10/1
Clear/Water 2/1
Lime Green 5/1
Orange 3/1
Red 15/2
Yellow 3/2

If you’re the kind of person who bets on stuff like this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything in your life that has led you to this point. But as long as you’re here you might as well put it all on yellow.

Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the Game thank first?

Coach +1000
Family +400
God +150
Teammates +250
Does Not Thank Anyone +200

I just love how telling it is that the top two options are an invisible deity and nobody. If it were me I’d definitely go with “nobody.” In fact, I’d open with that.

How many current NFL Players will be arrested during Super Bowl Week?

Over .5 (+150)
Under .5 (-200)

This has been a popular bet for a number of years now. From what I can tell Bodog will pay out if any NFL player is arrested between Monday morning and the end of the Super Bowl, regardless of location. Of course the player has to be on an NFL team’s roster, so don’t expect to be paid if Brett Favre gets picked up at his sister’s house o’ meth. The good news here is that Jeff Reed finished the season on the 49ers roster. When you consider Reed’s history of drunken citations and the depression that comes with seeing your former team going to the Super Bowl without you, betting the Over becomes a promising option.

Have fun out there.

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