Because Non-Human Urine Is The Cleanest Urine

07.12.12 5 years ago 20 Comments

We already know D.J. Williams is S-M-R-T from when he recently tweeted the picture of the Broncos playbook, but that’s small potatoes compared to the latest report that Williams was involved in three separate attempts to provide a substitute specimen to drug testers. Twice, Williams provided samples that were found to be non-human urine. In another test, a bottle dropped from his waist that he attempted to kick under his locker to avoid detection. Nice work, slyboots.

When the sample was analyzed for performance-enhancing drugs, testers flagged it because, as one toxicologist later wrote in an e-mail, “The specimen does not contain any endogenous steroids. The profile is not consistent with a normal, healthy male urine specimen.”

As the February letter explains, endogenous steroids are naturally produced by the body and found in human urine. Their absence in the sample caused testers to conclude that Williams had provided non-human urine.

Then, during a test in November, one specimen collector said he saw Williams appear to drop a bottle during the test. As detailed in the February letter, Williams then appeared to kick the bottle toward his locker. Because the collectors were not allowed to enter the locker room, one went to ask a trainer to retrieve the bottle, according to the letter.

Despite all this, Williams is still contesting the six-game suspension that the NFL has handed down, even though he failed a test a month after the one for which he is technically suspended, because the league has down such a shoddy job prosecuting the case. In fact, according to Williams’ lawyer, the NFL has yet to seek any disciplinary action for the second failed test. Williams’ only hope in this case rests in the old Ryan Braun Defense that his piss was not properly handled.

It is our hope that a speedy and judicious resolution is reached. More importantly, we would like to know what animal Williams used to provide his sample. If it was his dog’s, that would truly be the best. “Bella, c’mere girl. Put down that pipe, I need you to piss clean for daddy.”

Around The Web