BIFF KING’s Monday Morning Douchebag: 69 Points Of Discussion

01.19.09 9 years ago 24 Comments

1. We saw one crazy-awesome game in Arizona. That NFC game was the shit. Arizona jumps out to a huge lead, pisses it away, and then makes enough plays to pull it out at the end.

2. Larry Fitzgerald is the new Randy Moss. He may not have even been the best receiver on his own team in September. Can you think of the last time any receiver EVER was this dominant. Everyone KNEW who was getting the ball in the first half, and he couldn’t be stopped.

3. Anquan Boldin is the new TO. I’m stunned he was on the bench for most of the second half. From what we saw on TV, so was he.

4. Kurt Warner’s teammates did, in fact, have a clue. Great tact in that pregame interview, Pam Oliver. That’s a big minus-one for you, sugarbuns.

5. Ken Whisenhunt will be especially fired up. Remember that Whisenhunt was the front-runner for the Steelers’ coaching vacancy in 2005(?) when Herr Rooney passed over him and plucked defensive guru Mike Tomlin from Minnesota. You surely can’t question the move, but I love that storyline of Kenny-Dub seeking revenge on his former employer in the Super Bowl.

6. The First Non-Football Saturday in four months wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be. Sorry, the Shrine Game doesn’t really count.

7. That was pass interference. Kevin Curtis was pulled down to the ground by his foot on that fourth down. That would have been a penalty in the first quarter, and it should have been a penalty there.

8. Jesus took the second half off. Kurt Warner was money in the first half, but then when Philly finally brought pressure in the third quarter, Warner looked like….

9. Donovan McNabb was erratic as hell. It’s not all his fault. Tra Thomas might be the worst left tackle in the entire NFL. But…

10. Damn, that Arizona defense looks good. Would it really be “shocking the world” if they beat Pittsburgh? An upset? Oh yeah, but these fuckers are stout. And they may still be improving.

11. Arizona’s Darnell Docket learned nothing from the first half. When you saw Dockett recover that fumble at the end of the game, were you waiting for the second re-fumble of the game? I was.

12. McNabb’s numbers weren’t horrible:

Philadelphia Comp Att Yds Pct Y/A Sack YdsL TD Int Rating
D. McNabb_____ 28___47___375__59.6__8.0__2____18____3___1____97.4

…so why do I feel like this loss was his fault?

13. If I don’t take a good shit for a couple days, I drink a big glass of milk. It works wonders.

14. Leitch’s Twitter page was fun to watch during the game. If you have a fairly loose interpretation of “fun.”

15. Arizona now goes back to the Eastern Time Zone. Aw, shit.

16. I fucked a girl in a driveway once. Thankfully, I pulled out right before her parents pulled in.

17. The Jets hired Rex Ryan. Shit, that was a quick job interview.

18. They need to stop with the Coors Light commercials already. The coach soundbites? Funny. Those four dipshits that keep talking about the beer? Not funny.

19. Speaking of beer commercials, are they bringing back Bud Bowl this year? Like with the animated bottles and shit? I don’t care about winning the money, I want to see phallic-shaped cartoons playing football!

20. Nice to see Matt Leinart was still alive yesterday. And still riding the bench. I hope you were taking notes, Marvin Sanchez.

21. Hehe, Sanchez.

22. Yes, this is a Steelers fan wearing capri pants.

Not pictured: the glory hole drilled into that bar.

23. Limas Sweed. Dude cost his team a touchdown and a timeout on a dropped deep ball near the end of the first half. And then a few plays later, dude mashed Corey Ivy’s face into the back of his neck and took a timeout away from Baltimore. That’s not total redemption, but holy shit, that’s close.

24. Big Ben, did you really thank Jesus when you accepted the Lamar Hunt trophy? Thanks a lot, fuckface. You were my last agnostic hope.

25. If I ever suffer a potentially-life-threatening spine injury, I hope someone has the decency to play me some Creedence.

26. The Ravens had two players hurt on the first play. Foreshadowing?

27. Santonio Holmes let it all hang out for this game. He had the game’s only receiving TD. Can you believe that nobody had more than three catches in that game?

28. Joe Flacco will be back. He looked solid for three quarters against the best D in the league.

29. Uh, Troy Polamalu looked pretty healthy yesterday. He ran a pick back for a TD…

30. JUST LIKE ED REED! Because he was the first player to ever do that!

31. Ray Lewis looks fat. I thought God’s linebacker would be on a stricter cardio program.

32. As far as new coaches go, which was the shittier minority hire? Jim Caldwell seems to have the better resume, but at least Raheem Morris didn’t read his introductory speech word-for-word. Sorry, I haven’t really paid attention to the white people.

Okay, so we didn’t get to 69, but then you never bought me dinner, either! See that? Oh man, you were just run over by the comedy railroad. Go cry to mama if you don’t like it. El Segundo has better things to do than breast-feed the disenchanted.

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