Cancer/Countercancer: NFL Free Agency

03.28.07 11 years ago 31 Comments

This week saw the announcement that two somewhat prominent political figures – one the unattractive harpy wife of the king of the trial lawyers and alsoran presidential candidates, the other a soulless repository of glib untruths –
are struggling with cancer. Elizabeth Edwards’ breast cancer has returned and Tony Snow may have to put off the colon rollin’ for a spell.

Oftentimes, KSK writers enjoy a delightfully inappropriate tweaking of current events, but, in general, we’d sooner delve into Andy Reid’s urethra than the realm of politics, therefore we declined our initial impulse to chat up Snow and Edwards about chemo and dealing with personal tragedy in the public eye while still furthering the message of stupid people. And, naturally, football, the unflagging focus of our humble site.

No, we’d rather talk with the cancer, knowing full well how eager the supposed “disease” would be to cut through ther vast anti-polyp bias in the mainstream media.

Christmas Ape: Welcome, cancers.

Edwards’ cancer: Glad to be here.

Snow’s cancer: Hey buddy.

CA: Now, Edwards’ cancer, as breast cancer, how equipped are you to discuss-

EC: Football? Plenty. Remember, breast cancer does affect men. Sure, it’s fewer than one percent of all diagnosed cases, yet I dare you to explain away the fact that 50 percent of NFC East coaches are afflicted.

CA: I can’t. Staggering. Point well made. Let’s begin with a discussion of recent free agent activity. Okay, Chris Cooper to the Cardinals…

EC: Excellent in Breach.

SC: Masterful in Adaptation. Mediocre defensive lineman, however. And totally healthy, insofar as we know. Next.

CA: Marshall Faulk announced his retirement…

EC: Hope he starts smoking.

SC: Or standing in front of a radar gun.

CA: Thoughts on Pacman Jones?

EC: Sorry, we only have insight on actual, not clubhouse, cancer. His marked determination in spreading other forms of disease is admirable, however.

CA: Okay. Moving along. Ken Hamlin to the Cowboys…

SC: Is it irradiated ham? If so, superb signing.

CA: Not sure. Jason Fabini to the Redskins…

EC: The fundamental problem with big fat guys is, even though they’re susceptible to contracting one of us, they’re just as likely to keel over with heart failure.

SC: You go through all the trouble to get your pseudopod in the door and you’re not even a direct cause of death. Very demoralizing.

CA: Still no cure, though.

SC: Yeah, that is nice, let me tell ya. But you never know when that cure might be coming down the pike. I’m just trying to kill as many humans as I can before that happens, then maybe settle down and kill a cat or something.

EC: That tainted pet food is a godsend, by the way.

CA: Alright, I think we’ve reached the end of our time here. Appreciate your taking your time out during this hectic period for you two.

EC: Always a pleasure, Ape. Be sure to always sit real close to your monitor when you’re doing your blog thing. And carry your cell phone in your pants pockets at all times. Maybe play with some plutonium and drink lots of tap water.

CA: Uh, thanks.

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