Derek Carr Denies Rumor That He’s David Carr’s Brother

04.10.14 3 years ago 34 Comments

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With the NFL draft just a month away, quarterback prospect Derek Carr held a press conference this week in which he ferociously denied the scandalous rumor that has dogged him and negatively affected his draft status for the past year; that he is in fact the brother of former NFL quarterback David Carr.

“It’s just not true,” Carr said. “Yes, we have the same last name, attended the same university, and ate several spaghetti dinners at the same table for much of our respective childhoods, but all of that is just a freaky coincidence.”

Later at the press conference, he had a message for the Houston Texans, who hold the number one pick in this year’s draft. “I am in no way related to the guy who was sacked 76 times in one season, 68 times in another, and finished his career with 71 interceptions and 65 touchdowns. I swear, I have no idea what he was doing at my college graduation. Had I known he was there, I would have asked security to kick him out!”

Last week, it was reported that the Carr family went on a trip to Six Flags, and Derek stayed 30 feet behind them all times. When the entire family went on the log ride, Derek casually drifted back and said “Uh…you guys go ahead, I’m gonna try to win that poorly made, 20-year-old stuffed Sebastian The Crab doll.” An anonymous source claims that at the last Carr family reunion, Derek showed up in a Tim Tebow Jets jersey and fruitlessly attempted to convince everyone there that he was actually Johnny Manziel.

Carr concluded his press conference by stating he hopes to put this whole ugliness behind him, and claims that if a man who looks remarkably similar to David Carr is seen hugging him on draft day, it’s actually his fifth cousin Melvin Carr, who has never set foot on a football field, but has won the Kern Country David Carr look-alike contest seven years in a row.

Immediately after the press conference concluded, Jordan Rodgers came barreling into the room, crashed into the podium and began screaming incoherently about how he really is Aaron Rodgers’ brother, which “has to be good for FUCKING SOMETHING! I’M DYING OUT HERE! COME ON SOMEONE GIVE ME A JOB!”

Jordan Palmer could not be reached for comment.

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