Dick Jauron: Guys, huddle up. We really need to talk about what transpired out there yesterday.
J.P. Losman: Yeah, I know coach.
Jauron: Yes, J.P., you should know more than anyone that that was a SPECTACULAR IMPLOSION! Week after week, there’s no team that comes through with soul-crushing losses like you guys.
You see, Ralph Wilson brought me in here to quash any lingering spirit in these seemingly indefatigable Bills fans so he can relocate them to another, more economically sound and glamorous, city. Like Oklahoma City, maybe. Bills fans are a tenacious lot, though. They’ve experienced so much pain. Won’t be licked easily. We did a great job of stringing these saps along, but the way we’re dropping sure victories on a weekly basis, there’s no way these fans have any semblance of patience or hope left.
Rian Lindell: I just wish we could’ve lost on a missed field goal.
Jauron: Now, now Rian, don’t be selfish. You’ve had your go against the Browns. We need to spread that ineptitude around.
Marshawn Lynch: We had lead wif the bawl and little time left. Lemme go in BEEF MOE and we woulda won that joint.
Jauron: See, that’s the point, Marshawn. We didn’t want to win.
Lynch: Didn’t wanna go BEEF MOE?
Jauron: No, we didn’t want, ahem, Beast. Mode.
Lynch: Thaf crazy, co’. Why we even out dere den? I jus’ wanna suit up and WHOOSH go stoopid out there. Make the defense go neeeeaaaahhhhneeeaaaaahhhhneeeaaaahhhhh and fall down.
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!
You know who’s a better quarterback than Cutlerfucker? Larry Johnson. You know who else? SOME DRIPPING PIG’S PENIS HANGING OUTSIDE A BUTCHER’S SHOP IN CHINATOWN!
But right now if the season ended today it would be the Cutlerfucker and not the Laserface who would be in the playoffs. YOU REALLY WANT THAT SULKING CUM CAULDRON IN THE POSTSEASON?! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
That’s where you sacks of shit come in. You got Denver next week. You win, we naturally stomp mudholes in the Buttfuckaneers and I get my epic showdown with the Cutlerfucker for the division. I already lived up to my end by rallying my band of disgraceful underachievers on my aching shoulders yesterday in Arrowhead.
You think it’s easy to win when you throw the football like you’re putting the shot? NO, IT’S NOT FUCKING EASY! I’VE CULTIVATE A LASER-LIKE FLOAT YOU WOULD BE SMART TO NEVER RECKON WITH!
Jauron: We’d be happy to help you, but we’re doing good with the late-game caving, thanks.
Rivers: Hey, dreadlocked asshole. I’ve heard you like the Beast Mode.
Lynch: BEEF MOE?
Rivers: BEAST MODE!
Lynch: BEEF MOE!
Lynch: WHOOOOOOSH GOIN’ STOOOOPID! AYEAYEAYEAYEAYE
Jauron: Don’t encourage him.
Rivers: You see this Cutlerfucker?
He doesn’t want you to go in Beast Mode. He wants you to act all uppity and civilized. Maybe make you join a scrapbooking club where you share collages of your vacations to Antiqua. Teach you which one is the salad fork and shit.
Lynch: THAF NO BEEF MOE!
Rivers: No. Not at all.
Lynch: I SHOW THAT GUY! MAKE IT GO RAWR IN THE BEEF MOE! TAKE OUT THE BUCK WILD GUN AND NATNATNATNATANATNATNATNATNAT ON HE ASS!