Forecasting Peter King’s Return Column

07.08.13 4 years ago 28 Comments


It’s the final Monday of Peter King’s four-week break from equivocation. His fill-in this week is Chiefs defensive lineman Austen Lane, who has a lot of practical advice for someone considering a career in professional football. I took a bunch of notes in case I ever find myself at age 22 with incredible athletic talent. Lane also rants about women wearing high-waisted jean shorts, which isn’t something you’d get out of PK.

Nevertheless, it’s time to start bracing for the Nugget Baron next week. He’s had a full month to accumulate sterling nugs of obtuse commentary. We should expect nothing less than the full force of his rejuvenated inanity upon his return. The best we can do is be prepared. So let’s gird our loin-y places with a rundown of what Peter is going to unleash on us.

We know from his tweets that PK has spent some of his time off vacationing in Canada.

This means:

– A pointless anecdote relayed with utmost astonishment about how a Canadian was polite to him.

– Several paragraphs comparing Tim Hortons unfavorably to Starbucks.

– “I don’t know much about hockey, but I’m starting to think they like the sport up here.”

– An attempt to say something nice about the CFL that contains minimum three factual errors.

– Disappointment that, unlike previous PK vacations, there are no concentration camps to visit in Canada.

– A description of visits to at least two breweries, both of which will be clumsily likened to Allagash.

– Sanctimony about the lack of gun violence vis-a-vis the United States.

– 200 words about a women flipping through book pages too loudly on a flight.

– A not-at-all subtle gripe that he had to interrupt his vacation to write a story about Aaron Hernandez.

And for the third of his column that isn’t about his vacation:

– Praise for Roger Goodell that more players haven’t been charged with murder under his watch.

– Something something Patriot Way.

– Half-hearted concern trolling about RGIII making a silly music video during his wedding and maybe that’s not how to rehab a injured knee.

– A story about meetings with advertisers for his new website. Sure, it’s a daunting task but it’s totally worth it and, say, some of you readers should consider getting your own website in the future. It’s a hoot!

– A reminder that Scott Pioli is really excited to get started at NBC!

– Finally, poorly veiled complaining that his EvoShield-sponsored training camp tour will interfere with seeing precious minor league baseball games.

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