The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: Philadelphia Eagles

01.04.14 4 years ago 54 Comments


In your average playoff year, one could easily fill an entire hater’s guide about the Eagles solely with a rant about the noxious, subhuman behavior of Philadelphia fans. It’s true that there are reasonable Eagles fans who don’t live up to the battery hurling, WIP caller stereotype. The only problem with this faction is that they argue a little too stridently that Philly’s fan base gets a bad rap in the media. Sorry, there are more than enough belligerent, disgusting fake tough shitheads among you that I don’t feel bad painting you all with the broadest brush I can find.


No surprise that cops will be undercover at the Linc this evening dressed in Saints gear. Stadium officials are working fiercely to clear the snow out of the Linc because they know if any remains, Eagles fans will just launch ice onto the field. There was already one incident earlier this season where a Lions fan got jumped and knocked out after a game (that the Eagles won!) by a pack of Philly fans. This week, Saints fans tried to organize a group to run up the Philadelphia Art Museum steps a la Rocky in advance of the playoff game but were forced to cancel it when Philly fans heard about the event and wrote things like, “everyone fill up a pillowcase with doorknobs and lets go!”

Oh, and check out the strong take in the comments from that last post:


But enough about Iggles fans for now. After all, there’s a lot going on with this team. This is the year of Chip Kelly’s grand revolution in goin’ fast. I can understand if some bristled at the overwhelming hype that accompanied his arrival in the NFL and the media build-up to his first season. While the hype could be a bit much at times, I don’t really have a problem with Kelly. I like that he’s bringing innovations and different strategy into the game. For example, seeing this formation at the beginning of the year was a treat.


In fact, my biggest beef with Chip Kelly is that his success makes college football zealots extra obnoxious. They take his success as vindication for all their carping that the NFL is too stodgy and conservative and NO FUN. Because isn’t it better when the overall talent level is lower so you can get away with kray-zay shit?

Even beyond the fans and the excessive Chip Kelly hype, the most odious thing about the Eagles in 2014 is, of course, Riley Cooper.


Cooper both is and looks like a supremely racist dipshit. I won’t be surprised if he makes a cameo on “Duck Dynasty” this season. The Eagles are cowardly assholes for not even thinking about removing Cooper from the roster only because two other receivers were injured shortly before he expressed his desire to fight all the black people at a Kenny Chesney concert. Hell, they paid Cooper to take a sabbatical during the preseason while hoping the world would move on and let them do nothing.

We’re now in the third phase of the Cooper scandal, after the initial outrage and the PR-organized response played out. This is the point when some writers want to heap praise on Cooper for not having been racist for a little while. Naturally, Peter King was way out in front in this regard, pleading with America to forgive and forget less than a month after it happened, because of course he was. Based purely on production, Cooper had a solid if unspectacular year, compiling 835 receiving yards and eight touchdowns. Wowzers! He was slightly better than Jerricho Cotchery! Meanwhile, DeSean Jackson has put up career numbers in receptions and yardage (1,332) but do you see any of these media shitbags going out of their way to fete him? Of course not. He’s the glory boy headcase too busy making that hippity hop music to be a legit superstar.

Here’s my dream scenario for this Eagles season:

Philadelphia advances to the Super Bowl after improbable road wins over Carolina and Seattle, but Nick Foles is injured late in the NFC Championship Game. It’s bad enough that it’s clear from the outset that two weeks won’t be enough time for him to recover and play in the Super Bowl. Michael Vick will have to start. The media spends two weeks fretting that the Eagles will return to early season lackluster form with Ookie under center. Vick, however, plays masterfully. The game is a shootout only because the Eagles defense can’t stop the opposition.

Two minutes left in the 4th quarter, Eagles down by four. Vick has a chance to deliver the Eagles’ first Super Bowl win by exorcising the demons of McNabb’s late SB failure. And again, Vick is up to the task. He drives the offense into the red zone with less than 30 seconds remaining. On the next play, Vick finds Riley Cooper open in the end zone, but the ball goes off Cooper’s hands into the grasp of a defensive back. The game is over. Philly loses.

Eagles fans and the trollier members of the media blame Vick.

…or the Eagles could just lose by 30 to the Saints tonight. I’m fine with that too.

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