I Don’t Think Azzcakes Are Covered Under Our Health Plan

10.15.08 9 years ago 67 Comments

Wade: Well, well, well. This has been one heckuva week, ain’t it? Sweet mercy, we have had a time. Those pesky Cardinals done us in, and now we got so many injuries, I think we ran out of bandages!

But I think we’ll be okay.

We’re early in the season, and this team is still 4-2. That ain’t bad. I think this crew needed to experience a bit of adversity. I think they needed to understand that you can’t just expect games to be given to you. I think we’ll grow from this. I really do. We’re gonna be a better team.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? WE’RE SCREWED!

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. What am I gonna do? I gotta have a solution ready for when that lunatic comes through that door! Think, Wade, think! Must have a plan… gotta think of something before it all goes to…

(door flies open)


Wade: Now, calm down there, sir. We can’t just panic at the first sign of trouble. We gotta keep a level head here.

Jerry: Oh, I do? Gotta keep a level head, eh, Meatball? Is that what I’m supposed to do? I’m just supposed to kick back WHILE YOUR FAT ASS RUNS MY TEAM INTO THE FUCKING GROUND?!

Wade: I have a plan, sir.

Jerry: Shut up shut up shut up shut up. SHUT YOUR FATHOLE! No one wants to hear your suggestions, Eli Sundae! I already traded for Roy Williams. ANOTHER BIG CALF ROPED IN BY THE DOUBLE-J! YEEHAW!

Wade: Sir, with all due respect, you hired me to be the coach of this team. Now, how can I be an effective coach of any sort if you won’t let me have input, or implement any of the things I want to implement? Why have me around if you don’t want me to do my job?

Jerry: BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT, FATTY! You look at you, waddling around like giant tit with two legs. YOU CAN’T PUT A PRICE ON THAT KINDA ENTERTAINMENT, SENOR FROGLEG! Don’t you worry about a thing, Tubby. The ol’ Double-J has got this situation under firm control!

Wade: Okay, so what’s your plan?

Jerry: Well, it’s obvious that you, in all your fatness, haven’t set a healthy example for this team, LEON SWEAT! That’s why we got so many guys on the fucking injury list. THEY’VE ALL BEEN WATCHING YOU SCARF DOWN CINNAMON ROLLS AND DRINKING CAKE BATTER! We need more doctors in here to keep this team healthy. That’s why I’m EXPANDING THE TRAINING STAFF, TUBMARINE!

Wade: Expanding the training staff?

Jerry: That’s right, meatlover. I’ve called every doctor I know. Doctor Who, Dr. No, Dr. Drew, Dr. Bricker, Dr. Phil, Dr. Pepper, Dr. Detroit, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. James Andrews, Dr. House, Dr. Marvin Monroe, Dr. Zaius, Dr. Rosenpenis, Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. Doom, Dr. J, Dr. Hook…

Wade: I’m not sure any of these…

Jerry: SHUT YOUR CHICKENHOLE! Dr. Jerry Punch, The Fight Doctor Ferdie Pacheco, The Rug Doctor STEAMING MAD AT FUCKING DIRT, Dr. Octopus, Doctor doctor gimme the news, Dr. Strangleove, Dr. Demento, Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem, Dr. Dre (the fat one), Dr. Martin van Nostrand, Doctors Strombridge and Greenbaum, Dr. Zhivago, Dr. Gonzo, Dr. Moreau, Dr. Feelgood, Dr. Meredith Grey, Dr. Doug Ross, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Dr. Beeper, Dr. Lector, Dr. Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Cornel West, Dr. Faustus, Dr. Huxtable, Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Katz, Dr. Death Steve Williams, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Doc Holliday, Dr. Doogie Howser, Dr. Claw, Dr. Richard Kimble, Dr. Zoidberg, Dr. Bill Harford, and Dr. Tim Whatley. HOW YOU LIKE THAT FOR A MEDICAL STAFF, FATASS?!

Wade: That’s a lotta doctors.

Jerry: These docs will monitor my boy ROMO’s pinky 24 hours a day! You hear me? I want that little finger of his going wiggle wiggle by tomorrow morning! FUCK, FOR THIS MONEY, I WANT IT TO BE ABLE TO FUCKING FINGER BANG! I want full assfingerbanging capability restored to my boy Romo, stat!

Wade: But it’s already broken, it…

Jerry: And I want Felix Jones’ hammy replaced with TWO NEW HAMSTRINGS. I WANT DOUBLE HAMSTRINGS, HAM ANDERSON!

Wade: I’m not you can…

Jerry: And I want Terence Newman’s hernia welded shut!

Wade: I don’t know how…

Jerry: And one more thing, Jabba…

(door flies open)

Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman go 2 da corna office wher dat firebox say SHIT B OFF. SHIT B FUKKIN OFF. Pacman ain’t down wid it. Where ma spec? Pacman don’t cause no trizzle. All Pacman want wuz 2 gang up on dat creampie and put da skeez on dem kneez. Pacman say dat ok. He gon shine. He down wid it. Don’t Firebox lissen fo SHIT.

Jerry: Now Adam, we’re all very disappointed in the commissioner’s ruling. But these doctors here are gonna help you!

Pacman: Man, fuk dem Quincy ass bitches. Pacman don’t wan no house call unless dat azz b knockin’ on da door. Pacman gon do the injectin’. He gon take hiz nightstick and beat dat pussy up lef an right. BULEEV DAT. Gon make dat pussy cry like ma shortiez. Split dat bitch up till she need dem stichez. And Pacman gon drank. Oh, he gon DRANK. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till he put da hot sauce on dem azzcakes. He gon gobble dat azz up. Chomp dat azz till dat azz b gon.

(porthole flies open)

Dr. Bricker: Azzcakes? Sounds naughty!

Wade: What’s an azzcake?

Jerry: IT’S AN IMPORTANT MEDICAL TERM, FATTY! I want you to personally oversee this new medical staff. It’s gonna be YOUR JOB to make sure all my goddamn STARS get back out onto that fucking field, Dr. Fatkins! You got me?

Wade: I don’t have time to oversee a staff this large. We gotta deal with those pesky Rams. Who’s gonna help prepare the team?

(door flies open)

Garrett: Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. Never you mind that, my portly compatriot. I have a prescription for our offense. A HEALTHY DOSE OF GUMPTION!

Wade: Why, you lowdown snake!

Garrett: Don’t fear, my good man. My new Princeton Offense will soon be the darling of the League. The scuttlebutt will grow by the minute! Of course, I assume you know about the butt than the scuttle.

Jerry: Princeton Offense? I like the sound of that!

Garrett: Ah, excellent. The secret ingredient will be CUTS!

Wade: That doesn’t sound very innovative.

Jerry: YOU SHUT UP, MOZZARELLA STICK FIGURE! My boy GARRETT knows what he’s doing! Now you hit that training room, and steer clear of Doc Ock’s tentacles! I heard they tore one of the assistants titties clean off!

Pacman: Pacman down wid dat.

Wade: This sucks.


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