Kevin Everett Meast of the Week — Week 1

09.13.07 10 years ago 29 Comments

Having sufficiently honored our bestingraychested Memorial Meast Steve Irwin, we’re re-naming KSK’s most prestigious honor after Kevin Everett, who we think is a total fucking badass for shattering his neck vertebrae and then having the constitution to not be totally paralyzed. We’ll be rooting for you all year, Kevin (plus well into the future after that).

You’d think that because we’ve re-named the award the Kevin Everett Meast of the Week, we’d adopt a more politically correct stance with regards to cheering for injuries. Absa-fuckin-lootly NOT. Are you kidding? Cheering for injuries is part of the fan experience. Listen, we ALL feel badly about Kevin Everett. Nobody wanted him to get hurt. But his injury shouldn’t necessitate us feeling guilty about our schadenfreude about other players’ injuries.

Take Big Daddy Drew (PLEASE! -ed.), a former Tiki Barber fantasy owner. He has long cheered for Brandon Jacobs to get a knee injury. Actually, that’s not true: he’s wished for much, much worse. Well, last weekend that vulture finally got his comeuppance. And again, it’s really too bad about Kevin Everett, but that fucker Jacobs had it coming. We can’t let every somber event get in the way of every long-fantasized fantasy football injury.

So, let’s go ahead and re-open the gates on cheering for injuries. From here on out for the rest of the season, go ahead and insert this standard preface into every I-hope-Player-X-gets-injured joke: “The horrible event of Kevin Everett’s injury notwithstanding…”

To warm you up, please practice by putting that statement in front of the following bits of evil that we jokingly (but not really) wish would happen.

…I can’t wait until Trent Green gets another concussion.
…if Derek Anderson breaks something, really: Who cares?
…I’d love it if everyone packed into Heinz Field for a Steelers game contracted ebola. Except Steely McBeam.
…I have Michael Turner on my fantasy team, and it would really help me out if LaDainian Tomlinson got hit by a car. Or a bus. Or a train covered in cobras.
…I wish people who take the time to write emails of complaint to bloggers would all die in a government-sponsored fire.
…Terrell Owens is way overdue for karmically-triggered season-ending injuries.
…I hope Green Bay fans who are still fervently devoted to Brett Favre choke on a big silver platter of steaming cock. Your lives are small, meaningless, and not worth prolonging. Do your part to save humanity and kill yourselves.

That’s the spirit!

This week’s Meast is Randy Moss. He was thrown to nine times for nine catches and 183 yards, including the 51-yard touchdown catch to where he outraced — ho-hum — triple coverage.

As with most Measts, though, it’s not the numbers we’re impressed by, but the meastiness. Moss provided a true statement game, and that statement was, “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, and fuck you. I’m out!” Simply put, Randy Moss’s performance was neck-breakingly impressive.

(Oh, fuck off. The Everett preface is supposed to be automatic.)

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