KSK 2012 NFL Prekkake: Dallas Cowboys

08.07.12 5 years ago 44 Comments

The 2011 Cowboys had a quintessential Tony Romo-era Cowboys season. They positioning themselves for a playoff run only for it to fall to pieces in the final five weeks of the season, which culminated in a devastating blowout against a division rival. It was delightful.

Five Fast Facts About The Cowboys:

Hawkins Romo will be photographed by his dad having his ass wiped with Starter brand wipes by October.

Jerry Jones told The Dan Patrick show he’s only cried twice: when Dallas lost to the Niners in the 1994 NFC Championship Game and when the Texans beat the Cowboys in the 2002 expansion season. “I LIT DOWN TIXASSS!”

Morris Claiborne scored the lowest mark ever on the Wonderlic. Jason Garrett said to be admitted to the Princeton Eating Club, one must be smart enough to masticate. It was the bon mot of the season! Ha ha! Ha ha!

Rob Ryan has heard about these Cowboys glory holes, but he’s not interested. If there’s one thing he don’t like about holes, it’s uppityness.

Kyle Orton isn’t keen about being a back-up, but he can’t wait to throw up in a Cowboys cheerleader’s hair.

Notable acquisitions: Brandon Carr, Morris Claiborne, Dan Connor, Kyle Orton, Lawrence Vickers vicious ant allergy

Notable departures: Laurent Robinson, Terence Newman, Martellus Bennett, Keith Brooking, Bradie James, Mat McBriar

Vegas win total over/under: 8.5 wins

KSK verdict: UNDER

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: DeMarco Murray

Murray was a fantastic waiver wire pick-up for about a month last season. He had 600 yards rushing from Weeks 7 to 10. His output was already beginning to taper off by the point he broke his ankle in Week 14 against the Giants. But the Cowboys are counting on him to be their feature back, when in all likelihood he’ll be another streaky and injury prone rusher, giving Dallas what amounts to two Felix Joneses.

Fan forecast, by KSK kommenter jackin’4beats:

My last memories of the Dallas Cowboys were of them shitting the bed against the New York Footbaww Giants in Dirty Jerz last year. Let me say this—I hate the Giants—not as much as I hate the Redskins and their fans (sorry Maj), but the hate is still there. I’ve had to listen to their meathead fans tawk about BIG BLUE and their defense and running game my whole life and I’m just hoping for another moment like the one in 1993 when Emmitt and the Boys ruined their shit in the last week of the season.

But I digress…

The Cowboys in 2011 were every bit as mediocre as their 8-8 record suggested. Watching them beat the 49ers in San Francisco gave me hope that they might actually be good, then Romo throwing three pick sixes against Detroit made me realize that this team is nothing like the championship teams of the ’90s no matter what the media hype coming out of Dallas would have you (me) believe.

What do I think about this year’s team?

Dez Bryant should be primed to have a breakout season the year after I chose him to be on my fantasy football team. If he doesn’t “accidentally” hit his mom again, he could be unstoppable on the outside playing the role of Irvin Jr. If not, them hoes gotta get on that stroll and make that money. After all, Dez is already nationally recognized and locally accepted.

Statistically, Tony Romo had a great season in 2011. 4,184 yards with 31 TDs and only 10 INTs. What those stats don’t tell you is that he single-handedly lost games against the Jets (THE FUCKING JETS!!) and Detroit. The Detroit game was so bad that Garrett decided to play it safe with a loss to the Pats (another loss). Going 2-4 in the division with the only wins against the Foreskins was dreadful. If they do that again, 2012 will be another lost season. The window’s closing my friend. Yes it is! Your new wife and kid might have to take a backseat to you actually GIVING A FUCK this season.

Claiborne hurt his MCL… we’re fucked.


Rob Ryan, get one of those Sasha Vujacic head rubberband things and tie up the mop. A daily walk on the treadmill wouldn’t hurt either.

Jason Garrett, now’s your time. Stop trying to be the buttoned up, conservative Princeton ginger and throw caution to the wind. If you keep going 8-8 you’ll get fired anyway so go out in a blaze of glory and play like I used to play Madden 93 (I haven’t played Madden in nearly 20 years.) 1st down: off-tackle left. 2nd down: post-pattern bomb for 40 yards. 3rd down: run it in for a TD. Grow some balls and call plays like Romo was El Cannon de Sexo. I want to see women spontaneously getting impregnated in the stands GOD-DAMMIT.

This team like other Dallas teams in the recent past has a good offense and should be able to win a few games with Romo, Dez, DeMarco Murray and Smilin’ Miles Austin. But unless they stop ole’ing guys on defense and get a little tougher up front (not you DeMarcus), then they will continue to be an overhyped team in a mediocre division. At least I’ve discovered a shit ton of craft beer this year to keep me company this season. Turn those machines up to full power! I’m looking at you Stone Brewing Company.

Around The Web