Meet your 2014 Hall of Fame inductees

08.01.14 3 years ago 50 Comments

This weekend is football. Yeah, it’s a crappy exhibition game between the Bills and Giants that we will all be turning off halfway through to rewatch Sharknado 2, but it’s still football, dammit. The Hall of Fame game might be a joke, but what it celebrates is not a joke. Lets look at the seven players who receive the highest honor in football this weekend. 



Andre ReedWide Receiver, Buffalo Bills
-Drafted 1985 in 4th round
-13 seasons with 50+ receptions (second only to Jerry Rice)
-951 career receptions
-7 pro Bowls
-Shares a birthday with me, which gives him +5 cool points
– 4 Super Bowl…….appearances
-Has a Forehead to rival Peyton Manning



Ray GuyPUNTER, Oakland Raiders
-That punter we were all rooting for until it finally happened and we realized that oh crap, we just voted for a punter, the player you bring on to give up the ball when your team fails miserably
-Only Punter selected in the first round of NFL draft (1973)
-Never had a punt returned for a TD
-token white guy of the class
-Chris Kluwe’s choice, back when people still wanted to hear what Chris Kluwe thought of anything
-Had hangtimes longer than David Carradine on a doorknob



Walter JonesLeft Tackle, Seattle Seahawks
-Drafted 1st round 1997
-6 time all pro
-Made Shaun Alexander look good
-only 9 Holding penalties in ENTIRE CAREER.
-9 Pro Bowls. Literally the same amount of Pro Bowls as Holding Penalties. 
-Is probably still unknown by most bandwagon 12th man fans


Michael StrahanDefensive End, NY Giants
-Drafted 1993 in 2nd round
-141.5 career sacks, 5th all time
-Holds the Sack Record of 22.5 in one season, at least if you don’t listen to Warren Sapp or Jets fans
-5 time all pro, 7 time pro bowler, 1 time accused of being gay by ex-wife
-Won Super Bowl in final season and made Tom Brady cry
-Could probably eat Kelly Ripa but chooses not to, shows remarkable levels of restraint
-Still saving a seat for that extra tooth 43 years later


Claude Humphrey Defensive End, Atlanta Falcons (and the Eagles for 2 years at the end)
-Drafted first round in 1968 (when Tom Coughlin was only 84) 
-5 All Pros, 6 Pro Bowls
-Played before I was born so I’ll just have to take the NFL’s word on this one
-Helped get the Eagles to their first Super Bowl, which they promptly lost to the Raiders and Ray Guy. 


Derrick BrooksLinebacker – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
-Drafted in first round 1995
-Never missed a game in 14 seasons
-6 all pros, 11 freaking pro bowls
-Cornerstone of the Tampa championship defense that got Brad Johnson more rings than Dan Marino


Aeneas WilliamsCornerback, Arizona Cardinals
– Drafted 3rd round 1991
-4 all pros, 8 pro bowls
-Only shutdown cornerback that Richard Sherman hasn’t gone out of his way to compare himself to
-If you put an S before his first name, it becomes a palindrome!
-Also shares birthday with me, +5 cool points, I sense a trend here….hmmm

Honorary hall of fame due to birthdays

David RappoccioNarcissistic Football Cartoonist, didn’t even make the high school team
-has had many beers on draft
-Shares birthday with two hall of famers, so that counts shut up
-Is a fan of 4 time champion New York Giants, only team to win SB in 4 straight decades
-is still more important than the Pro Bowl
-tall enough to play football, but weak and flimsy
-Can throw the football like 30 yards if he tries really hard
-good at padding out length of KSK posts

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