Michael Wilbon Is An Ass

06.23.10 7 years ago 87 Comments

We’ve had our fun with Michael Wilbon here at KSK before. Supposedly, Wilbon’s a pretty nice dude when the cameras aren’t rolling. But I don’t give a shit about that, and neither do you. What I’m concerned with when it comes to Wilbon is the arrogant prick on TV telling you he knows Michael Jordan “a little bit.” That Michael Wilbon go eat fifty feet of barbed wire and shit it out.

We were on vacation last week for this typical slice of Wilbon shitheadedness, but I refuse to let it pass without comment. And since we weren’t around Monday to have our fun with Peter King, and since Peter deserves a bit of a break given a sudden death in his family, we now turn our spotlight onto Mr. Jocksniffer with a little late week FJM treatment. Let’s do this.

Allow me to set the stage. Albert Haynesworth is holding out from Redskins minicamp because he wants to be traded because the team wants to make him a 3-4 end. Also, Al Haynesworth is a lazy prick who everyone knew would go into the tank immediately after getting a Dan Snyder retirement package. Let’s hear Mr. Wilbon chime in on this, shall we?

“I hope Albert Haynesworth never reports,” Wilbon said on ESPN 980’s Sports Fix. “It’s great. Standing ovation from the West Coast for Albert Haynesworth.”

Yes, standing ovation for Albert Haynesworth. For you see, Haynesworth isn’t being negligent or a shitty teammate. He’s merely protesting the fact that NFL players are overworked. No really. That’s what Wilbon is about to argue. Watch as he turns Haynesworth into Norma Rae, if Norma Rae just got a $21 million bonus and was a fucking asshole.

“I love this story, because of course Albert Haynesworth should be at something mandatory, but I love that these offseason workout things [have] so much drama now,” Wilbon said. “Because they shouldn’t even be having this junk. It’s just another management control tool, that they should be around these camps every single day of the offseason. I love it that these things are blowing up in some teams’ faces….

Yeah, it’s just another tool of the MAN! It’s clear these teams are trying to hold Albert Haynesworth down! It has nothing to do with paying him an enormous sum of money, and then taking great pains to ensure that he’s fully integrated into a new defensive system by the time camp comes around. That’s all just a bunch of JUNK. I’m tired of this JUNK. It’s just a bunch of JUNK. JUNKITY JUNK JUNK!

“They need to get rid of them. They need to be against the rules of the CBA. It’s junk.


“The general public, they’ll stand for anything NFL management says people should do, go along with this stuff.”

No, they won’t. There’s plenty I disagree with when it comes to NFL management, and I’m not alone in that regard.

But that’s the problem with Wilbon. Are you not a seasoned journalist and sports insider like Wilbon is? Oh, I’m sorry. Then you’re clearly just a fucking sheep. You probably can’t tell a left tackle from a right guard, or zone from man-to-man coverage. You’re far too dumb to be able to form your own opinions about how the NFL does business. You should just probably be quiet and leave that sort of expert opinion forming to someone who clearly knows what the fuck he’s talking about.

These guys should be off.


It’s the OFFseason.

Oh! Oh, now I get it! They should be off because of semantics! Makes perfect sense.

Or perhaps, given their excellent salary and benefits, they should be asked to attend the occasional minicamp to ensure they’re in shape and well versed in the system.

I don’t care how much they get paid,

This is because you are a millionaire, you fucking dick.

…they don’t get paid nearly as much as baseball and basketball players…

Average NFL Salary: $1.8 million
Average MLB Salary: $3.4 million
Average NBA Salary: $3.4 million

I suppose you could say NFL players don’t get paid nearly as much as NBA and MLB players. Then again, IT’S ONE POINT EIGHT MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS. IT’S OKAY TO WORK FULL TIME FOR SUCH A WAGE.

who have OFFseasons.

In the NBA, they take wording SERIOUSLY!

/NBA season is three months longer than NFL season
/NBA players and MLB players often asked to play in summer leagues and/or international competitions

”You know, this is just garbage.”

Or it is JUNK?!

Wilbon said a veteran player told him the reason the NFL has so many more injuries now is because players never get a chance to recuperate.

There is no evidence that the NFL now has a significantly higher amount of injuries now than it ever has. The injury rate in the NFL has always been 100%, whether those injuries are disclosed or not. This is because the game involves very big and strong men bashing the fuck out of one another. It’s not because Albert Haynesworth was forced to attend a meeting in June.

Furthermore, has this fuckhead ever seen footage of a minicamp? It’s a minicamp. They don’t wear pads. They lightly run through plays. It’s not full contact.

Oh, but a veteran player told Wilbon this, so it must be true! Wilbon knows him a little bit. He’s good guy. He’s good, good, good guy. He’s not gonna tell me a bunch of JUNK, like NFL management will!

He said the Redskins’ frequent offseason workouts this year will backfire.

Because what they were doing before was so effective?

He said this is an issue the union should fight, that it’s worth walking out or striking over.

No, it’s not. Here is why you walk out or strike.

1. Money
2. Money
3. Fucking money

And so he said that Haynesworth brings him joy.

He’s just like Santa, in that he’s fat and only works once a year.

“It’s ridiculous. It’s just absurd on every level,” Wilbon said.

No, it’s not. It’s not absurd on every level. Here is what the Redskins are basically requesting of Haynesworth: “Hey, we paid you a lot of money. We’d like you to attend OTA’s and accept a position change.” That is not a request that is absurd on every level. Here is a request that I absurd on every level: “Here, take this toothbrush and wipe your taint with it. Then, brush your teeth with your grundle juice. We’re going to film it and then paint your whole body with silver paint. Then we’re gonna find your mom and stick a pair of nail clippers in her twat.” THAT is absurd on every level. Who would have guessed that someone in the media would overexaggerate a point just to get attention?

“And again, as media, we’re just lapdogs for whatever NFL management says.”

No, that’s just Mark Schlereth.

“I mean, we’re just like tools. Whatever they say, they’re just roasting another player. There’s so little questioning of the NFL offseason, I’m amazed by it. But then again, there’s so little questioning of the NFL, except for day-to-day coaching decisions of whether a guy should use a timeout or not, some minutiae, some crap. But this thing should be attacked publicly, and it almost never is….

Except that people in the media question the NFL all the time. Hell, Peter King used reams of column space just to protest the league holding a Super Bowl in cold weather.

This is a typical ploy used by Wilbon and Mariotti and every other retard columnist out there. It goes something like this: NO ONE HAS THE FUCKING SACK TO SAY THIS SHIT, BUT I DO! I’M THE LAST REBEL! Sure, kiddo. You’re the only one to bring up the idea that NFL management is occasionally arrogant and misguided. Perhaps you should try, I dunno, reading other columns instead of masturbating to your own chat transcripts. NO ONE ELSE IS READY TO SAY KOBE BRYANT IS A GREAT BASKETBALL PLAYER, BUT I AM.

“[Haynesworth] should comply. He signed a deal, he should go comply.”


”The standing ovation for Haynesworth is as a representative of any rebellion against this thing, against The Man, if you will.”

Oh, I see. Because it’s so RAYCESS to make NFL players of all colors attend minicamp! WELL PAID SLAVES! Could we just please replace Wilbon with Dave Chappelle as Conspiracy Brother? YA’LL DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME! I’MMA NEED A SPONGE BATH!!!

“It’s not an applause for Haynesworth specifically.”

Rewind to the beginning of this.

”Standing ovation from the West Coast for Albert Haynesworth.”

That seemed to be specifically for Haynesworth. Perhaps you should have started this little diatribe by saying, “Standing ovation from the West Coast for an ambiguous and erroneous point I’m trying to make with regards to the Albert Haynesworth situation.”

”It is what he represents, those players who are basically saying I’m not coming to your garbage, just leave me alone, I’m not even answering the phone….”

Yeah! I’m not coming to your JUNK! In your JUNKYARD! With all your JUNKIES! No, no. I shall never be JUNKIFIED! No more bojunkling for me! I congratulate this man for having the courage to NOT be professional.

“Again, Haynesworth has no wiggle room. There’s no honor in sort of messing with the contract for Haynesworth; he just signed it a minute and a half ago. But what I love is any situation that calls for a guy to thumb his nose at the NFL alleged offseason.”

I want you to take a look at something. This is the minicamp schedule for all NFL teams. Most teams have two minicamps lasting three days each, and four or five OTA’s lasting five days each. The Skins have 9 total days of minicamp, and 13 days of OTA’s. That’s 21 days of practice IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING OFFSEASON. Oh no! How will NFL players survive when they have such a grueling schedule of light workouts that all take place four goddamn months after the regular season is over? STANDING O FOR YOU, CAUSE THAT ALBERT HAYNESWORTH SYMBOLIZES.

Now, here’s the kicker.

(Wilbon also said he didn’t even know about the latest drama until calling into the show, and that “the greatest thing about being away from Washington for the last two months is not having to hear about Redskins’ offseason drama.”)


Please note that this man is paid to cover sports for a Washington newspaper.

Michael Wilbon is a jackass.

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