Mike Holmgren Has That Itch (And This Time It’s Not Chafed Thighs)

05.12.09 8 years ago 16 Comments

Int. Owner’s Lounge at FedEx Field

[Mike Holmgren enters with his wife and daughter]

Jim Zorn: Attention everyone, if you’d please take a moment to welcome our guests of honor, Kathy and Calla Holmgren!

[polite applause]

Jim Zorn: And hello to you, Coach. I’m so happy you could all make it here for this send-off.

Mike Holmgren: Hey it’s my pleasure, Jim. We can’t thank you enough for arranging this get-together.

Zorn: Oh it wasn’t me, you have Mr. Snyder to thank for that. I’m not sure why, but he sure seemed eager to get you here tonight.

Holmgren: Oh really? How…odd. So where is the little fella.

Zorn: He’ll be along…shortly.

[Both men enjoy a hearty laugh]

Holmgren: So why do you think he arranged all this?

Zorn: I’m not sure, but he sure seems eager to impress. He even catered the event based on your dietary needs.

Holmgren: You mean…

Zorn: That’s right, he must really like you. That smell you’ve undoubtedly noticed is a buffet fully stocked with bait fish.

Holmgren: [Slaps fins together and barks lustily]

Zorn: That’s right, follow your nose and you’ll find the food. It’s right over there behind Les Carpenter’s head.

[Mr. Snyder enters with Vinny Cerrato on his heels]

Snyder: Is he here?

Zorn: Yes sir, Coach Holmgren just arrived. He’s over at the buffet.

Snyder: Excellent, I knew he’d take the bait. If you’ll excuse me I’m going to have a chat with our guests.

[Snyder leaves to mingle, Cerrato stays behind]

Zorn: Shouldn’t you be going with him, Vinny?

Cerrato: Don’t you see what’s going on here?

Zorn: Excuse me?

Cerrato: Haven’t you stopped to wonder why Mr. Snyder was so eager to get Holmgren in the building?

Zorn: Mutual respect?

Cerrato: No you clod, he’s clearly courting the fat man.

Zorn: Courting him for what?

Cerrato: To take our jobs. Both of them!

Zorn: Ha. I think your imagination is getting the better of you once again, Vinny. Coach Holmgren is my mentor, if he was considering a return to the NFL I think I’d be the first to know.

Holmgren: [To Carpenter, and everyone else in the room] I WANT TO COME BACK TO THE NFL.

Zorn: Okay, fine. But he’d never come after my job.

Holmgren: [To Carpenter, and everyone else in the room] THIS PLACE IS NICE, AND THE FOOD IS GOOD. ARE THEY HIRING?

Cerrato: See?

[Snyder and Holmgren adjourn to the owner’s private office]

Zorn: Fuck me.

Jason Campbell: Sucks to be you, bro.

Around The Web