NFC East Midseason Report Card

10.29.13 4 years ago 46 Comments


Overall division grade: D-

HOLY CHRIST. Every year we joke about this division being overhyped shit that gets 90 percent of the media coverage for no good reason. But this year is setting world records for sheer wretchedness.

In 31 games, these teams have 11 wins. Guess how many were not against each other? FIVE. That’s right: the Rams, Raiders, Buccaneers, Vikings, and Bears are this division’s only victims after eight weeks of football. And much of the NFC East still has to face the Chiefs, Chargers, Packers, and Lions. You think it’s ugly now? Just wait.

Fun fact: Here’s what the Broncos have put up on the NFC East this year.

Giants: 41 points
Eagles: 52 points
Cowboys: 51 points
Redskins: 45 points

Relegation should immediately be introduced into the NFL and all four of these teams should get sent down to give all of their shithead owners a kick up the fucking ass.

And guess what folks? You get to watch SIX more prime time games this year featuring these shitty teams! I’VE BEEN WAITIN’ ALL DAY FOR AN EARLY BEDTIME ON SUNDAY NIGHT!

Washington Redskins v Dallas Cowboys

Dallas Cowboys – C-

Ladies and gentlemen, the class of the NFC East! Yes, the 4-4 Cowboys have a STRANGELHOLD on the division thanks to a quarterback who occasionally doesn’t suck shit as well as the good fortune of getting three divisional games early on. Now, if only they could get past that “not able to beat anyone outside the division aside from the fucking Rams” thing, they would be alright.


Philadelphia Eagles – D

Remember when the Eagles obliterated the Redskins in Week 1 and everyone was marveling at the CHIP KELLY SUPER FAST COLLEGE OFFENSE THAT WILL REVOLUTIONIZE THE NFL? Yeah, fun times.


Washington Redskins – F

If you would have told me that the Redskins would be up 21-7 midway through the third quarter on Sunday and STILL lose by 24 points, I would’ve said “Not even the Redskins defense could pull that off.” Only the fucking Jaguars have allowed more points than the Redskins, WHO HAVE ACTUALLY HAD A BYE.

I shudder to think how truly awful this team would be without RGIII and Alfred Morris.


New York Giants – F

To paraphrase Silky Johnson, what can you say about the Giants that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? Not that the Giants have ever been a dominant team under Eli Manning, despite two inexplicable Super Bowl wins, but who the hell saw this team being as bad as they are this year? All you had to do was throw for 200 yards, a couple TDs, and a pick on a day-to-day basis like all the other middling quarterbacks out there, Eli, and yet through eight games you have 10 TDs and 18 turnovers. By the way, beating the Vikings and Eagles do not count as real wins.

But don’t worry, Giants fans. Somehow, YOU ARE ONLY TWO GAMES OUT OF THE DIVISION LEAD.

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