The Official Kissing Suzy Kolber Scouting Report

04.15.14 4 years ago 150 Comments

The NFL Draft is coming up, which means that every talking head from ESPN to PFT to MMQB and back will be talking about Wonderlic scores. We here at Kissing Suzy Kolber, however, are sick of the hypocrisy inherent in sports pundits judging draft picks for their scores on the test without first taking the test themselves. In that spirit, we have each taken a sample Wonderlic-styled test in advance of being analyzed like a true NFL draft prospect. Take it yourself, and see our results below. Spoiler alert: Most of us probably aren’t cut out for the NFL.

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  • Eric Sollenberger — WONDERLIC SCORE: 49

SCOUTING REPORT, by Eric Sollenberger

I pulled a Fitzpatrick and got a 49. Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard. I think I saw that in a PFT Commenter post somewhere.

Putting a trick question at the end is like installing hardcore pornography on every players iPad during training camp to see if he’s actually looking at the plays or not. I missed the one that was asking me to subtract numbers to the nearest hundredth because I rounded them at the end for more accuracy rather than take the lazy man’s approach and round them at the beginning. I’m a details guy and even though I got that one wrong I feel like talent evaluators would be ok with that because I didn’t round off my routes. I ran a crisp subtraction and coaches want a guy like me who won’t cut corners even if some stupid test asks me to.

I took a real Wonderlic when I was right out of college applying for my first job at State Farm, and it was a lot harder than this one. I think I got a 40 on the real one but I didn’t get the job because I didn’t know shit about insurance. At the end of my interview the lady said “You should probably know SOMETHING about the company that you’re applying for before walking in.” I DXed her and bought a Four Loko. Really showed her.

Grade: A+

  • Big Sandy — WONDERLIC SCORE: 44

SCOUTING REPORT, by RobotsFightingDinosaurs

On the face of it, we have here prospect who has posted a 44 on the Wonderlic. It’s a great score, and shows that Big Sandy has the potential to be a great team leader both on and off the field. But GMs interested in Big Sandy should do their homework. There could be a lot of upside here if Big Sandy turns out to truly be big, a hulking 450 pound mass of muscle. However, if the “big” nickname is an ironic one, teams could be saddled with a skinny guy with a penchant for writing dick jokes on NFL blogs. Buyer beware.

Grade: C+

  • StuScottBooyahs — WONDERLIC SCORE: 42

SCOUTING REPORT, by StuScottBooyahs

Scored a 42, identical to Blaine Gabbert. Upon hearing the score, Chad Henne was observed doing this. Even though that fucker scored a 22.

Rushed through the first few questions because he thought he didn’t have enough time, but finished the test in nine minutes despite being allotted 12, which suggests poor time management skills and a propensity to rely on uninspired Tim Tebow jokes. Once bought a Subway $5-foot-long because of an RGIII commercial, and then said to his friend, “there’s a penis joke in there somewhere.” Enjoys using the word “queer” just a little too much. Frequently mentions that he saw Mark Moseley once at a Fairfax Wegmans.

Grade: D-

  • RobotsFightingDinosaurs — WONDERLIC SCORE: 48

SCOUTING REPORT, by RobotsFightingDinosaurs

Shows initial promise of being a capable leader on the field with a high score here, but GMs should be wary that the prospect, upon completing the test, proceeded to take out his Nintendo 3DS and play Pokemon X with the volume all the way up for the remainder of the testing time. He also was not able to correctly identify that the words “add” and “and” have similar meanings. It’s obvious that what we have here is a prospect who tests well because he knows a bunch of random useless information, but the real game is more nuanced than a standardized test. RobotsFightingDinosaurs will have an uphill battle to fight if he is to prove that he can be capable when after the toss. Keep in mind, Ryan Fitzpatrick scored a 48.

Grade: C

  • PFT Commenter — WONDERLIC SCORE: 69


you can do the ma+h on that one (if your a chick that is. if your a dude- Im calling a automatic no-homo)

Grade: A+++

  • Christmas Ape — WONDERLIC SCORE: 44

SCOUTING REPORT, by RobotsFightingDinosaurs

The veteran of the group, Christmas Ape posts an impressive Wonderlic score, as expected by most of the league media. His past experience of keeping rowdy sports bloggers in line could be an onfield asset in a leadership position on any team. But is he ready for the big league? The initial chatter around the league is “yes”, and executives should pull the trigger on Christmas Ape before he is snatched up by Buzzfeed or Deadspin.

Grade: A

  • Johnny Sugar — WONDERLIC SCORE: 43

SCOUTING REPORT, by RobotsFightingDinosaurs

KSK’s newest member impresses with another high Wonderlic score, but the consensus is that he will be a locker room cancer, as he is a Patriots fan. Coaches will need to work hard to cure Johnny of this fatal character flaw if he is ever to successfully integrate into any role on an NFL team.

Grade: C-

  • Trevor Risk — WONDERLIC SCORE: 39


Scored a 39, which on a scale of Tony Banks to Blane Gabbert is about a Kelly Stouffer. Comes across as a bit of a Cutler. When we asked him “Do you have a, y’know… GIRLFRIEND” he whipped his pecker out, pissed on floor (thankfully missing the Shield decal) and groaned “DOOOOOOOOON’T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT”. Probably gonna pass on him. Do we really want “RISK” as the name on the jersey we sell for a decade?

Grade: C+

  • Old James — WONDERLIC SCORE: 44

SCOUTING REPORT, by RobotsFightingDinosaurs

Lots of unanswered questions here. How old is Old James? Can he stop thinking about chili recipes long enough to actually lead an NFL team? Will his love-hate relationship with How I Met Your Mother be a distraction in the locker room? If a GM is able to look past all of these unanswerables, the fact is that Mr. James’ score of 44 on the Wonderlic places him in the company of Eric Decker and Greg McElroy, who both scored 43s. This makes him a perfect fit for the New York Jets. I…I’m so sorry.

Grade: B

  • Sarah Sprague — WONDERLIC SCORE: 45

SCOUTING REPORT, by RobotsFightingDinosaurs

An impressive Wonderlic score and a history of solid performance should make most GMs take notice of Sarah, but she seems unsure of her ability to compete in the NFL. In her own words, “I would most certainly be maimed or perhaps even killed . Higher-than-average risk of injury, four inch vertical jump and Charlie Batch’s age makes me the weakest draft choice of the bunch.” This humility is refreshing to see in any potential draft pick, and shows the amount of respect she has for the game. She will be a great team player until her inevitable death 3 minutes into the first game of the preseason. It’s a no-brainer.

Grade: A

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