Peter King And His Beloved Boy Toys

11.17.08 9 years ago 40 Comments

A very sad thing happened last week. Our friends at Fire Joe Morgan decided to shut down their site. But their legacy will not be forgotten. I don’t want to live in a world where people can’t repost breathtakingly inane commentary and mercilessly tear it to shreds. So it is up to each and every one of us to carry their torch, and to piss all over retard columnists as often as humanly possible.

So let’s do that right now. Say, Peter King, what do you think of that Kerry Collins fellow?

Tennessee has to sign Kerry Collins to a fair-market deal, even if it means Vince Young has to sit behind him for two more years … or if it means the Titans lose Bud Adams’ favorite boy toy.

Never thought Bud Adams and Kevin Spacey had so much in common, did you?

Tony Romo’s a hero.

He sure is. To bravely sit out a month with a broken pinkie, and then to make a triumphant comeback by playing somewhat better than Brad Johnson and Brooks Bollinger? And to do it all while still leading the league in smiles? What a man. I’ve known men who have been shot down over Hanoi and tortured with ice picks who aren’t 1/50th as valiant as Tony Romo. A memorial to his gallant actions must be erected.

“That’s why I came back.”
-Brett Favre, in a text message at 1:14 a.m. Friday, following the scintillating win over the Patriots.

“That’s why I came back, Peter. So I could barely defeat an injury-ravaged team, then send you text messages in the dead of night, so that you could then write a 30,000-word paean to me the following day about how much I love the game. There’s no better feeling in the world than having your tongue rooting around my rectal cavity.”

The numbers don’t matter. They never matter in classic Favre games.

So true. You can’t brand a five-pick game a “Favre classic” if you actually pay attention to how he did.

The Jets needed a classic Favre game to slay the Patriots in Foxboro, and they got something better.

Consistent accuracy? Balls not thrown 50 yards down the field just for the fuck of it?

But I write this note because of what I noticed in the wood-paneled, spacious, Wi-Fi-enabled locker room. The room, on an 78-degree Tampa afternoon, was odor-free… The theory: If the odor-causing items — shoes, pads, helmets, practice gear — are near or next to an exhaust system designed to suck nearby air out of the locker through two big vents, there won’t be any smell to linger.

What a country.

That’s the kind of Renuzit-inspired innovation that will put our economy back on track!

Don’t you get the feeling the Jeremy Shockey experiment is going to turn out very bad for the Saints?

A classic King observation. Take something that is already glaringly obvious and recast it as a prediction. Here are a couple of other samples I made up just now. You can do it, too!

“Don’t you guys get the feeling that these Tennnessee Titans could turn out to be a pretty good football team?”
“Ever get the sneaking suspicion that all is not right with Al Davis and the Raiders? That team could be headed for turmoil!”
“Call me crazy, but I’m not sure Marvin Lewis is going to be around next year.”
“Don’t be surprised if you find out I like pulling charm bracelets out of my ass!”
“You heard it here first, folks: That Steve Kroft is one heckuva journalist.”

Hugh Laurie is to acting what Joshua Cribbs is to special-teaming.

Hang on… let me just double check… yes, yes, it’s happened. You’ve broken the analogy as a linguistic construct, Mr. King. Every standardized English test in the country just self-immolated at this very moment. Yes, Hugh Laurie is to acting what Joshua Cribbs is to special-teaming. And Lisa Edelstein is to cleavage-baring japs what Scott Pioli is to player scouting and development!

Every day, I find myself saying some “Seinfeld” line. Sometimes three, four, five times a day.

And don’t get him started on the “Austin Powers” quotes, either! Does Tony Romo make you horny baby, YEAH DOES HE?!!

NOTE: has since removed that “boy toy” line from King’s post. But I swear it was in there. And, as tribute, Christmas Ape provides us with PK’s theme song.

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