Peter King Has Stern Words For Land Shark’s Coffee

02.01.10 8 years ago 93 Comments

When we last left storm orphan Peter King, he was telling you the story of poor Breleigh Favre, and how much she suffered in the wake of Minnesota’s loss to… um… uh, what was the team that actually won that game? I’m sorry, but Peter spent so much time with the Favres that he forgot who’s representing the NFC in the Super Bowl. Might be the Eagles. They are Jack Bowers’ favorite team, after all.

I’m so sorry for your loss, Breleigh. I wash there were something I could do to… OOOH LOOGIT! DADDY BRETT BUSTED OUT HIS FART MACHINE! THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVAR! YOU TALK ABOUT YOUNG AT HEART!

So what about this week? Will Peter continue to spy on the Mannings as they try to have old people sex on the balcony of their suite at the Shore Club? Why can’t more coffee shops be like PJ’s Coffee Shop? Did Matt Schaub lead the Pro Bowl in normalcy? Read on. No matter what you think of King – and make no mistake, I adore chocolate and hazelnut together – the man remains THE WORLD’S MOST INTERESTING TANGENTIAL JOURNALIST.

Story Highlights
If Dwight Freeney sits with an ankle injury, Saints’ chances of winning increase

Got that, everyone? If one of the Colts’ best players doesn’t play, that helps the team they are playing. TRY FINDING THAT KIND OF INSIGHT ANYWHERE ELSE.

We’ve got ourselves a story.

And it involves Pam Whitely and the fluffiest omelet you’ve ever tasted!

If (Dwight Freeney’s) injury is a Grade 3 ligament injury, sports-injury expert Will Carroll says it means there are ligaments in Freeney’s ankle that are more than 50 percent torn. How quickly they can heal after being hurt near the end of the AFC Championship Game … well, the answer is, not quickly enough, most likely. This is all conjecture now.

Indeed, it is all conjecture, unless you happen to be reading stuff from reporters who actually find out stuff.

I’d like you to play a game with me right now. Think back over the course of the season. Think of all the major stories that broke over the year: the Jim Zorn craziness, the Gailey hiring, Favre finally joining the Vikings, Bill Cowher deciding not to get back into coaching, etc. Think of all those stories right now and ask yourself this: Did Peter King break ANY story? At all? Did he ever once present you with actual, useful information?

I don’t believe so. But then again, that’s all conjecture. Can Peter King break a story? I don’t know. Are some children in African born with penises where their toes should be? PERHAPS. Isn’t this a lovely candelabra? POSSIBLY. Is the secret to cold fusion hidden somewhere inside Keebler headquarters? I DON’T KNOW. These are just educated guesses.

I’d expect Freeney will do everything he can to play, and will try to play. Unless the ankle is simply collapsing, I can’t imagine him not playing.

NOTE: Freeney’s ankle: Actually collapsing.

You’ve heard my feelings on overtime, and you’re tired of them. I think.

You’re sick to death about me bitching about a rule that will never be changed. OR ARE YOU?! Perhaps your angry letters were a form of reverse psychology! THERE’LL BE PLENTY OF APPLES FOR YOU!

But I’m not finished advocating for a change to the archaic system that calls for the two teams to take part in a coin flip at the start of overtime…


…beginning a period of sudden death.


This morning I’ve enlisted former Naval pilot Brian Burke, founder of the site Advance NFL Stats, to make a case about why he thinks the overtime rule should be changed.

This morning, I’ve enlisted someone who actually knows things. I think you’ll find it a refreshing change of pace!

You might remember Burke from the Bill Belichick fourth-and-two drama in November. Burke said Belichick’s reasoning was sound and he actually backs Belichick going for it on fourth-and-two with a lead in the fourth quarter at Indianapolis. The Patriots lost after failing to covert the fourth down, but Burke wasn’t swayed. He produced numbers that backed his beliefs. (I still disagree to this day, but I appreciate that Burke’s reasoning was math-based.)

I too appreciate math-basedness of Mr. Burke. I like that he forms arguments based on things like FACTS and REASON, as opposed to Peter King, who usually forms arguments based on OOOH LOOK AT WHO CALLED ME LAST NIGHT!

Anyway, I recommend you read Burke’s essay in King’s column, because it’s good. Apparently, Burke did NOT flunk out of First Grade in Mathology 101. Among his ideas…

First, a quick and easy improvement would be to restore the kickoff line to the 35 for the overtime kickoff. This would essentially cause lots of touchbacks, forcing the offense of the coin-flip winner to start on the 20, instead of the 30 or so. It sounds like a small difference, but teams with first downs at their own 20 are no more likely to score next than the team currently on defense.


An excellent summation. But I don’t sense traction on this right now.


One more thing: I knew the winner of the coin clip in New Orleans in the NFC Championship Game would win the game on the first possession. In the stadium, you could just feel it.

Okay, Peter Simmons.

Let the arguments begin.

The following is presented simply to open the discussion for the week on the Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2010… In order, here’s how I see the class of ’10 falling:

1-5 Emmitt Smith, Jerry Rice Discussion on each will take five seconds.

Agreed. Emmitt’s induction is autocratic.

4-1 Charles Haley Five-time Super Bowl champion impacted edge-rush game.

And pioneered the strategy of masturbating in front of teammates. Changed the game FOREVER.

Kurt, we hardly knew ye.

Kurt, all the world was your stage.

Kurt, to be or not be? Well, you WERE.

Kurt, if we cut you, you did bleed. I ADMIRE A MAN WHO BLEEDS BEFORE US.

Kurt, you were dust in the wind.

The five things I consider particularly amazing about the Kurt Warner Story:

1. He never drinks coffee!
2. He rarely uses his car!
3. One time, a hotel didn’t honor his reservation, and he wasn’t even pissed!
4. He loves taking the train!
5. He got a Kindle for Christmas too!

1. It’s the most amazing story in football in a half-century. I don’t say that lightly.


One last Warnerism…

Better than a Warnerasm.

The Fine 15

1. Indianapolis (16-2). Will Dwight Freeney play in the Super Bowl? And what will it mean if he does not?

And won’t Peyton Manning be a key player in this game? And won’t the winner of this game be NFL champion? And don’t you hate shoes?

4. New York Jets (11-8). Let me get this straight — Rex Ryan gives some fans the finger at a Mixed Martial Arts event Saturday night and has to apologize for it? Wouldn’t that actually be commendable behavior there?

Goddamn right, it is! Now Peter is gettin’ with the program!

5. San Diego (13-4). Philip Rivers missed this game because of the birth of his fifth child.


That’s right. FIVE fucking kids, cockwallet! You find better sperm efficiency out there and I will know you’re a fucking liar! RIVERS’ TADPOLES FLOAT FARTHER THAN ANY MAN’S! Now get those smelly shitpackers away from me!

Makes population explosion seem worthwhile.

I too am all for overpopulation, so long as it’s exclusively the children of asshole QB’s.

11. New England (10-7). A little advice for Vince Wilfork: Not a smart thing to talk about how much you’re being disrespected and how much of an insult it is when you can show up at work on Day 1 next year and be guaranteed $7 million if you’re franchised by the Patriots. Not today. Not in this economy.


Kurt Warner, Colin Powell, Steve Forbes, Rudy Giuliani and Laura Bush will be featured at an all-day motivational speaking event, “GET MOTIVATED”, at the U.S Airways Center Thursday in Phoenix. “Send your entire office for only $159!” the ad blares.

This event includes a special supplemental $200 motivational seminar that will wake you up after Forbes has finished firing you up.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

I arrived in my Fort Lauderdale hotel around 3:30 on Sunday afternoon, and around 4 p.m., I left my room to walk to the media center 400 yards away to get credentialed for the week. While waiting for the elevator on the seventh floor, I looked out of the window and saw three Texas writers I’m friends with — Charean Williams, John McClain and Richard Justice. They were waiting to cross busy SE 17th Avenue to get to the Convention Center.

When I got outside and walked across an access road to get to the street-crossing, there were my three friends — maybe five or six minutes after I’d seen them from the seventh floor. “What’s going on?” I asked. Just as they were starting to say the road was blocked for Pro Bowl team buses coming from the east, the police officer standing in the street — with no cars moving in any directions — yelled at us standing on the corner, “STAY RIGHT THERE! DO NOT MOVE!” Whoa. OK.

So we waited. And waited. For what? No cars moved. It was two minutes. Three. Four. We could have walked across the street and back 17 times. Finally, after what McClain estimated was 12 minutes standing there waiting for nothing, two Pro Bowl teams buses, led by motorcycle cops, sped by. That was it. No Obama. No governor of Florida. No mayor of Fort Lauderdale. Just a couple of buses of Jon Dorenboses and David Akerses and Leonard Weavers, holding up traffic and pedestrians for 12 minutes.

There’s more where that came from, south Florida. It’s Super Bowl week.

Join us next week when Peter waits in line at Home Depot for a considerable length of time!

I think I understand, and appreciate, the strident feelings on each side of the Tim Tebow argument.

But if I’m Scot McCloughan, I trade up to pick #1, draft Tebow, and sleep tight that night. Soon, San Francisco’s abortion rate will drop 8%. YOUR WITNESS, COUNSELOR.

And I saw a good chunk of the Senior Bowl Saturday, and saw the same things you did. Tebow is noticeably slow in his mechanics and footwork.

But if I’m Josh McDaniels, I look for more than just competent footwork. I look for HEART.

In his plodding performance, Tebow showed he’ll need a redshirt year in the NFL to get his game up to speed with the rest of the league.


“I think he needs to be stripped down completely, like a 12-year-old kid in Pop Warner, and rebuilt as a quarterback,” said ESPN’s Todd McShay, probably the harshest critic of Tebow.

If by “harsh,” you mean “accurate.”

I don’t argue with those who say he’s got miles to go to be a good NFL player, but I do argue with those who say it’s impossible.

But people aren’t saying it’s impossible. What people are saying is this: If Tebow has miles to go to be a proper NFL QB, why would you spend an extremely high draft pick on him when there are QB’s at the college level who are NOT miles away?


I remember doing a draft story on the 49ers when Bill Walsh was still in power, and him telling me, “I’m a great believer in prior performance with players. If a kid was great in high school, he’ll usually be good in college. If he’s good in college, he’ll usually make the grade in the NFL.”

That is true. Why, just look at the pro careers of Ken Dorsey, Scott Frost, Tee Martin, Alex Smith, Danny Weurffel, Chris Weinke, and 9,000 other terrible QBs!

Tebow’s will is going to serve him well. You know what might be good for him? A redshirt year in the NFL in 2010, then, if the league has a job action in 2011, a year playing in the United Football League for seasoning in 2012 with a coach like former Giants QB coach Chris Palmer.

You know what might make Tebow a great NFL QB? If he never plays in the NFL at all.

I think, if you missed it, Palmer did retire as Eli Manning’s QB coach on Thursday. But I don’t think he’ll be retired long. I see him as the first coach of the proposed new UFL Connecticut franchise, playing at Rentschler Field in East Hartford (where UConn plays).

I’d love to see the team called the Connecticut Knights.

And I’d love to see that team wear nutmeg-colored uniforms.

I think this is what I’ll remember from the Kurt Warner press conference for a long time: As he took stock of his career and looked around the room in Tempe, he said, “I’ve enjoyed being able to be me.”

This just in: Kurt Warner defines Kurt Warner.

My buddy Mike Silver competed against five driving teams from Washington, D.C., to Miami over the weekend, riding in fuel-efficient diesel Audis, with the most efficient driving team getting $20,000 for the charity of his choice. This site documents the trip and allows you to contribute to Mike’s cause, Type I Diabetes. His 10-year-old son is a diabetic. Mike and his partner — competing against Chad Henne, Osi Umenyiora and other efficient aficionados — made it down the East Coast while refueling only one time.

And Osi didn’t stop to use the bathroom ONCE! How did he do that? He what? Oh. OH.

I’ve attended this in the past, and if you’re in the neighborhood Saturday night, you need to try to get into Taste of the NFL. I know it’s a big-ticket item at $500 a pop, and it’s not for everyone…


All 32 teams are represented by a chef from that city, and a former player for that franchise, and you can meet them and eat the local food. Just a great time, and when you walk out of there, you feel like you’ve done some good.

And then when you hit the toilet later that evening, you know that you’ve also done a bit of evil!

By the way, I’m of the mind that people who attend very chic charity fundraisers shouldn’t be allowed to feel good about what they just did. Dude, you went to a party and stuffed your fucking face. 3% of your entry fee went to help pay a secretary at the United Way. Let’s not go nuts about what you just “accomplished”.

ESPN’s Ron Jaworski, like me, was getting some of the truly rancid press box coffee in the stadium last night…

“It’s what we always talk about, Peter… FOAM DISCIPLINE.”

…when we ran into each other, and I believe his stomach will be repaying him this morning for it. Memo to Dolphins PR-meister Harvey Greene: That press box runs like clockwork, and you and the NFL had it all together Sunday night as you always do. But that coffee needs to be shot at sunrise. It tastes like three-year-old coffee thrice-Microwaved, the kind of coffee prisoners at Leavenworth would spit out, then follow with a complaint to their lawyer about cruel and unusual punishment.

It’s not even coffee-flavored water! It’s coffee-flavored TRAGEDY. It’s the kind of coffee they served on cotton plantations, before they whipped slaves and sold their babies. That’s what I feel like when I drink your coffee, Harvey Greene. I feel like was stolen from Africa, thrown into a ship galley with 500 other people, and forced to live the rest of my life suffering through unspeakable labor and torture. I feel like that’s totally a proper analogy. NOW GIVE ME A FREE DINNER AT SIBLING RIVALRY.

When I grow up, I want to spend two hours every day in Brookline Booksmith.

It’s in the Back Bay! Oh, do you not live there? Pity. Vince Wilfork and I do.

Had the pleasure of ducking in there Saturday on a pleasant outing to the tony Boston neighborhood, and I just hope if Amazon, Kindle, Nook, iPad and who-knows-what-else of an electronic vein succeeds, that we still keep loving classic old bookstores.

I give that store three more months.

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