Peter King Loves His Four-Way

11.15.10 7 years ago 64 Comments

When we last left the uberorganized Peter King, he was in two cities in one day! What a country! Also, Peter read the New York Times and then told YOU about everything he learned from reading it. That Frank Rich is so clever, the way he combines a political issue with something that happened in pop culture a month ago. Anyway, I hope you’ve been reading your Times. Peter will be sternly lecturing you at the end of the column about the unrest in Cambodia.

So what about this week? Does Peter smell weed? Who will Peter ooh/aah at? Is United’s coffee still as fresh and robust as the last time? READ ON.

In the We’re Really Serious This Time Note of the Week, Los Angeles is finally moving toward playing NFL football for the first time since 1995.

Be on the lookout for more We’re Really Serious This Time Notes of the Week from Peter:

-No, really! I ran a quarter-10K!

-This one block in San Francisco had THREE Starbucks! Like, near each other!

-I think I might do meditation. MAYBE. Possibly. At the very least, I think I might at least consider it.

Bill Belichick does something better than Vince Lombardi did, and I’m not talking about playing lacrosse.

Because that’s the first thing I think of when I think of those two particular men. LEGENDS OF BASKET TWIRLING.

So much for all those “what good has an interim coach ever done” deep thinkers.

And who, pray tell, are those deep thinkers? Is there anyone in the world who thinks an Interim coach is an automatic cure-all? Or do we all forget a genius by the name of RICK VENTURI?!

If I had a dime for every former coach and/or Joseph Abboud-suited network guy who implored Jerry Jones to keep Wade Phillips and let himself dig the Cowboys out of the hole he’d dug for them, I wouldn’t be buying my lattes for a long time.

Again, who are these people? Seriously. I’m not being rhetorical. I never watch the pregame shows because they’re fucking terrible. Who thought keeping Wade was a good idea? Was it Mooch? I bet it was Mooch. It was totally Mooch. Mooch is retarded. It’s like having Michael Scott as one of your analysts.

I can’t quite believe this, but the Jaguars don’t practice the Hail Mary. Well, they practice the play in walk-through practices, but not live.

I can’t believe this, but the Jags don’t practice a play that they actually practice.

The Vikings can’t bench Favre. Yet.

Why not? He’s fucking terrible. I don’t even get mad at his picks anymore. Getting picked is just his default mode. If there’s a linebacker open in one-on-one coverage, then by gar Bretty’s taking a shot!

…logic says after the most tumultuous year in their history, (the Vikings) ought to be playing for 2011, because they can’t run the table. Probably not. But you didn’t go get Brett Favre out of the Mississippi retirement home to raise the white flag when you’re three games out of first with seven to play.

Are you fucking insane? Have you watched him play? You don’t surrender by benching the Squirrel Hunter. You surrender by keeping his two-inch dick IN the game.

Nearly lost in the Broncos’ 49-29 rout of the Chiefs: the emergence of Tim Tebow as a passer and runner. Tebow’s not going to replace Kyle Orton anytime soon, and he probably doesn’t have a chance to do so, rightfully, until 2012; that’s how good Orton has been.

Nearly lost in the Broncos win? The emergence of a player who isn’t actually going to emerge for another two years. This may shock you, but Tebow doesn’t even practice! Except when the Broncos hold practice. Then he’s in there quite a bit.

The Fine Fifteen.

1. VACANT. Sorry. I watched every good team in football last Thursday and over the weekend, and there isn’t a number one. I guess if there were one, I’d take the team that beat Detroit and Cleveland, both in overtime, over the last eight days. That team is …

2. New York Jets (7-2).

There is no best team. Except for the Jets. They’re the best. And maybe Oregon. But if they played in Wichita, I like the Jets.

8. New York Giants (6-3). That’s the one mulligan for the year. It’s allowed.

So true. That loss hardly matters at all. Nor did that 38-14 asspounding from the Colts in Week 2. Call that one a gimme.

“You share a very intimate relationship with Brett Favre.”

— NFL Network host Stacey Dales, to Steve Mariucci, beginning an interview Saturday on-air.

Mariucci was Favre’s quarterback coach at the Packers, and they are good friends. But perhaps slightly different wording would have been in order here.

Yeah, Jesus Stacey! Watch how you phrase things. By saying “very intimate,” you’re suggesting that Favre and Mariucci had something that went beyond friendship. And that just isn’t true. Okay? Do you know how irresponsible it is to connote otherwise? Favre would never stray on Peter King like that. He’d never sneak out late at night in his Impala and drive over to Mooch’s house for some naked roughhousing. That’s not the Brett Peter knows. Wouldn’t ever happen. WOULD IT? I mean, we know Brett’s no angel, but when he went out for milk last weekend, he really WAS getting milk, wasn’t he? OH CHRIST! NOT AGAIN! YOU’VE BROKEN PETE’S HEART FOR THE LAST TIME, ASS BARON!

In Cincinnati Monday, before going to the Bengals-Steelers game at Paul Brown Stadium, I found myself with commissioner Roger Goodell and his staff, in town for the game. PR maven Greg Aiello, a big Twitter guy, was invited with the NFL party via Twitter to eat at Skyline Chili, a local institution. I had eaten my share of four-ways and Cheese Coneys in my five-year stretch at the Cincinnati Enquirer in the ’80s, and when I heard Aiello was Tweeting with the Skyliners, I told him they just had to eat at Skyline. “Food of the gods!” I said.

That God? Rectussus, Roman God Of Porcelain Basins.

I had my standard — the four-way with cheese…

That is disgusting.

…, and coney with onion, no mustard — washed down with a diet cola.

Now seriously, what is the fucking point of the diet cola there? “Yes, I’ll have the cold spaghetti topped with six ladlefuls of pig snout chili and doused in shredded Sargento. And a hot dog. BUT NO REAL COKE FOR ME! I’M NOT SOME KIND OF PIG!”

A four-way is a bed of spaghetti with a few onions on top, and a crown of shredded cheese. I must have eaten three of those a week as a young reporter.

(cut to 1970)

BOSS: Peter, stop getting chili all over our photo negatives!

YOUNG PETER: Say Boss, how about we catch a Toledo Mud Hens game tonight? We can talk about the human race!

BOSS: You’re a weird one, King.

e. Way to tackle, Al Harris. I mean that. Nice debut for the Dolphins.

f. Got to hand it to you, Antonio Cromartie.

g. You smelled great today, Tyler Thigpen.

h. Candy, Rob Gronkowski. You’re sweeter than.

l. Troy Smith. Fun guy to watch.

That’s why they pay Peter the big bucks.

f. Favre giveth … Favre taketh away, and then taketh away some more.

But don’t bench him! That would be like giving up!

I think I still don’t understand why Kansas City coach Todd Haley wagged a finger at Denver coach Josh McDaniels Sunday after Denver’s 49-29 rout of the Chiefs. SI colleague Jim Trotter tweeted last night that “Haley was not happy with broncos max protecting, throwing deep & blitzing regularly with a 32-point 4th-Q lead.”


/hops in Iroc, refuses to buy case of Busch for little brother

I think you shouldn’t make too much of this, but Sunday was Chris Johnson’s 40th NFL game. He now has 4,072 yards. Through 40 games, Emmitt Smith had 3,396. That’s almost 700 more rushing yards than the all-time leader. As my daughters often tell me, “I’m just sayin’.”

“Dad, there are stains on your Favre jersey again. Just sayin’.”

“Dad, maybe Skyline three days a week is a bad idea. Just sayin’.”

“Dad, the cable car was going much faster when you weren’t riding on it. Just sayin’.”

if you don’t think home field is a big advantage in January — at least for the Falcons — you’re not a student of numbers.

Whereas I majored in First Grade In Numerology 101 at Ohio.

I think I have to hand it to Deion Sanders for his magnanimous gesture Wednesday on our Sirius NFL Radio show. Sanders and I hadn’t spoken in 10 years.

I knew I was right to like Deion.

We used to be tight; he gave me the pseudonym he used for all hotel stays, so when I’d need to talk to him on the road, I always had the password to get to him.

PETER: I’m looking for Captain Humpsberg’s room.

HOTEL CLERK: Fine. But I wish you two wouldn’t make so much noise with the headboard.

The thing that’s hard about this job sometimes is that when you call out people you’ve had good relationships with, you know it’s going to either ruin those relationships or change them forever. It’s happened with Sanders, Bruce Smith, Bill Belichick, and, to some degree, with Brett Favre over the years.

Wait a second. Is Peter saying Favre now refuses to talk to him because King “criticized” him? Holy shit, what a gash. “There has been a shocking decline in the quantity and quality of your toadying, Peter!”

Glad I don’t have a vote for the Heisman. What if Cam Newton wins and he’s found to be Reggie Bush II a month from now?

I eat this sandwich?

Dice-K for Kosuke Fukudome. That rumor surfaced the other day. And let me say on behalf of Red Sox followers everywhere: “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”

To: Red Sox.
From: Me, representing everyone in the Dice K Nation.

Not really high on the Starbucks experience in Manhattan. I’ve tried eight or 10 of them this season, looking for a comfy spot to write on some Saturdays and all Sunday mornings, and I’ve come up mostly disappointed.

Why are you going to Starbucks in New York? There are six cafés on every fucking block.

The music is too loud…

“This acoustic version of ‘Ironic’ is awfully edgy!”

…the panhandlers too prevalent at a couple of the midtown ones…

“Didn’t I give one of you five bucks six years ago?”

…the wireless spotty, and too many rest-room-less.

“I just had six plates of Skyline mailed in. I need a toilet to paint, dammit!”

I’m taking suggestions, either by e-mail or Twitter for a good, quietish place to work.


Willing to commute to any one of them, but the closer to midtown the better. Let’s see if you can help me out.

Yes, I can help you out. Stop going to horrible fucking chains. “MWM seeks coffee shop with good chemistry that is free of Uggs. If found, plz email me at”

And by the way, urban legend has it that I tweeted if Derek Jeter could win the Gold Glove this year, there’s hope that Wade Phillips could win coach of the year. Never said it, never tweeted it.

I’d never tweet or say anything even remotely that accurate!

Hey, Mary Pat Mercuro and your Montclair High field hockey team! Congrats on winning the sectional field hockey championship.

And cheers to young Heather Randall for finally ditching that training bra. Nothing beats seeing a young girl finally start to fill out.

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