Pilot for Hard Knocks 2013 LEAKED: The League Office

05.02.13 4 years ago 24 Comments

Besides all the injurys obviously, the strongest part of the NFL league year’s preseason is the anticipation and speculation surrounding the standout HBO show “Hard Knocks”. Some of my most favorite HK memorys have been when Anthony Cromartie forgot how many kids he had and also watching Chad Slowchocinco lose his job. I reached out to HBO this morning with my suggestion they seemed really intrested but they asked me to write a pilot on “speck”(which means free strong takes in laymens terms) so here is my pilot for Hard Knocks 2013: The League Office.

(BTW on Twitter i invented a hash for it: #HardKnocksGoodell thats where were all rallying in support and giving ideas)

Black screen for like 4 seconds (the audience is wondering if they need to adjust there tv set, and probly as they just get up to adjust the brightness) an alarm starts going off. The time on the alarm clock reads 4:00 AM. A hand smashes the alarm.


Roger Goodells jogging in a hoodie sweatshirt  its still dark outside since its like 430 at this point. You can barely see his face but you can tell its Goodell by his confident stride. There are a few different angles of the jog.


Goodells in the shower, hes got a solid disciplined lather going you dont see below the waist though, maybe he turns around for a second and you cant help but get just the top of his butt in frame, close up of his face in the stream you can tell hes ready for a big day.


Goodells walking through his kitchen his kids are eating cereal, his wife is making cereal for there youngest child. On his way out he grabs Mrs. Goodell by the waist.

Mrs. Goodell: Have a great day Commissioner.

Roger: You to.

They kiss. Its open-mouth but no toungue.

Mrs Goodell: Aren’t you forgetting something.

Roger: Oh my briefcase.

His wife hands him the briefcase she smiles

Mrs. Goodell: And? Roger! its our anniversary.

Roger: Oh I’m so sorry baby. I’ll make it up to you tonight I promise. Meet me at our favorite restaurant for a special dinner: 7:30 sharp.

Mrs. Goodell: Have a great day Commissioner.

Roger is riding in a towncar, the weight of the League world on his shoulders. His driver, Calvin has been his driver sense he was just a little kid. Matter fact, Ol’ Calvin practicly helped raise the Commissioner.

Calvin: Lord have mercy its chilly outside. Where to today Commish?

Roger:Take me to 30 Rock Calvin, pal. I’ve got a important meeting this morning with Peter King.

Calvin: That the fool what keep tellin everyone what he think he think?

Roger: (laughs a bit Calvins always putting things folksy which is a great contrast to Goodell but they understand each other) Thats the one.

Calvin: Only person whats got 10 things they think they think I care about is the Lord, Commish, pal.

Calvin kind of has a point.

Goodells phone rings the screen reads “De Smith.” He silences it. Now the screen reads “23 missed calls. 20 new voicemails”


30 Rock steamroom with Peter King. Dont’ worry there both wearing towels. King is the type of steamroom guy who keeps pouring hot water on the bricks.

PK: Listen Roger, We’ve got a major problem brewing here. a major FUCKING PROBLEM.

Roger: What is it this time Pete?

PK: Ive been speaking with a number of league sorces and circles and As we speak, Junior Seaus brain is currently making its way across the country right this very moment.

Roger: Thats fine I have alot of respect for all the doctors and brain sciencists in the nation. The work they do is fantastic and thats why were going to great lengths through my Heads-Up tackling program as well as giving a bunch of $$$ to my doctor to figure this thing out.

PK: That’s all well and good commish. But you remember how he killed himself in the chest- his brain is still alive!

Roger:What do you mean? Thats fantastic news I’m so glad there are hardworking doctors and science.

PK: I though so to, until I found out that their planning on  putting his brain in your fathers body to give a joint press conference with De Smtih.

Roger: What the Fuck? (his words are bleeped he usually doesnt swear but this has got to be a weird thing to hear)

PK: (Slowly pouring literally like a full pitcher of water over the steamroom rocks as hes making eye contact with Goodell.) Rog this sneaky little rascal De Smith has made it his mission to ruin youre career and now hes making it personal. (hushed tone) I can make it all go away…for a price.

Roger: That won’t be necessary Peter. I’m not going to double kill Junior Seaus brain and my dads body.Besides I have dinner tonight then Ill be making love with my beautiful wife.

PK: Christ Roger, are you to blind to even see that if De gets behind a microphone and has your father telling America that his son had his brain killed because of not tackling Heads-Up its the end of the road? We can kiss the gravy train goodbye. (The Gravy Train is the name of PKs Hoveround that hes been sitting on the entire time in the steamroom)

Roger: For the second time “no” Peter. We have a dutie to make the game just as safe and as fanfriendly as can be. if he wants to take the low road let him.

PK: Its youre funeral. (PK makes the “call it off” signal towards the corner of the steamroom where Florios been sitting balled up/nude in the steam the entire time. you coudnt even see him account of all the steam, hes holding a pistol. He does the cool thing where he hits the release and pulls the clip out.)

Roger: And the other one Mike?

iron mike Florio pops the 1 bullet in the chamber out into the air+ Goodell snatches it out of the air lightning quick. He slams it down on the steamroom bench. Close up on the bullet.



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