Questions About Brandon Marshall, But Not Related to Domestic Abuse: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag

04.22.10 7 years ago 83 Comments

I don’t have much in the way of an introduction this week, so let’s take a brief detour to talk about KSK’s makeover that makes it a little less Blogspotty, and a little more Uproxxy:

If you have a problem with it, wait two days. You’ll forget that you never liked the old format in the first place.

On to your questions!

Gurus of the Gspot,
Football: I’m a commish in a keeper league with friends from high school. League has been going strong for 5 years, but recently we’ve noticed one of our friends seemingly forget about his team. This past season he never logged on to fix his roster (i.e. add or drop players due to injury or what have you). Some of the guys in the league say that we should vote to kick him out if this is going to continue. While I do understand where they are coming from, our friend is…well he’s “sensitive” and I know what’ll happen if we kick him out. Any suggestions?

Yeah, tease him mercilessly and enjoy the easy win. Every fantasy league needs a chump like him. They come in especially handy when some poor sucker has a bad week and actually loses to him; then you can mercilessly tease the guy who lost.

In other words, keep the status quo.

Sex: Lately I’ve been hanging out with this girl, who is 4 years older than me (I’ll be 22 in May, she just turned 26). Things are great and we enjoy hanging out, it also helps that I believe she’s very attractive, pic attached. (I’d appreciate it if you guys wouldn’t post that pic due to privacy. But I decided to send a pic because I know how it goes in the mailbag lol)

LOL indeed. Because I’m feeling generous, I’ll respect your desires for privacy despite your use of internet shorthand instead of punctuation, and I’ll even add this: she looks cute.

The thing is, she’s taller than me. Not by that much, but still I’m used to being the taller person in the relationship. Is this something that I’m worrying about for no reason, or is it something that is an actual problem? I’m 5’10, apparently she told me she’s 6′. I really like her, again shes awesome to hang out with and we have a ton in common, so should I just say fuck it and go for it?
Short Stack

Ahhhh, the tall bitches. They’ve been dealt a tough hand in life, being taller than the average male: a lifetime of “Amazon” comments, questions about whether they play basketball or volleyball, wearing flats instead of heels so they don’t tower over their dates. Many of them have poor posture to try to give the appearance of being shorter. I feel for the very tall woman.

What it comes down to is your confidence. I’m 5’10” like you, I consider myself to be more confident than the average guy, and I still balk at dating women my height or taller. What can I say, I have a thing for girls who can wear high heels and not tower over me. And yeah, part of my hesitation comes from societal expectations and biological history and all that — it takes a lot to overcome the established norms. Just ask your mom how she got such a giant cucumber in her ass.

However, if you can overcome your own — I hate to use this word — shortcomings, and if you do have phenomenal swagger, I’d suggest sticking with her. In my life, I’ve dated a couple of beautiful, funny, confident women who were as tall or taller than I, and it never worked out — in part because of my own lack of confidence around Amazons. I regret it. I hope you can avoid that regret. Because if she doesn’t care about your height, then that’s all that matters.

Greetings Shitcamels,
Sex first I guess: I’m a young college-bound male, my issue is that my girlfriend of a couple months is going to a different college.

I haven’t read the rest of this letter yet, but you should break up.

Both of us got into great schools in South Bend Indiana and DC,

Notre Dame and Georgetown. You can say it. Don’t be like that asshole who “went to a little school near Boston.”

and we want to try to pull of the long distance thing but I have lingering doubts, mostly because 80% of the people who write you bitch about how hard it is.

Because it is, and because you should break up.

It’s roughly a 10 hour drive or 300 dollar round trip flying- sorta reasonable for a couple times a semester. Shes fantastic and I want this to work, your insight would be appreciated on how to go about this.

I’m 100% certain she IS fantastic. And that love you feel for your first high school girlfriend is one of the greatest, least cynical feelings you’ll ever have in your entire life.

That said, you’re going to be two 18-/19-year-old kids thrust into the largest, most intelligent pool of peers you’ve ever been in in your entire lives — and for you, it comes during the apex of your horniness. Like, IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. You can live to be 100 years old, and you will NEVER AGAIN BE AS HORNY FOR PUSSY as you will your freshman year of college.

Now, I’m not placing the desires of the flesh over waiting for someone you love. But both of you would be better served to recognize the floodlike nature of youth in college. Build waterways, not dams.

As for football: which receiver is gonna have the better season, Quan with Flacco or B Marsh with Henne?

Congratulations, that is a really fucking hard question. Anquan Boldin’s never been a #1 receiver, but he’s excelled as probably the best #2 receiver in the league, and he has a sharp young QB with a cannon for an arm and a solid offensive line. Compare that to Marshall, who has more raw talent but a less talented quarterback.

If it came down to one or the other come fantasy draft time, I’d probably lean towards B-Marsh. Even with (the very good) Eddie Royal as his #2 and Jay Cutler/Kyle Orton throwing to him, the guy got open and was a catch machine. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Quan had a breakout season, either.

Dearest Defender of Breuckelen,
Love and the making of it: A while ago, I hooked up with a friend’s friend (FF) one weekend, and then the girl whom I have been dating ever since and love deeply (GF) the next. They don’t know each other at all. GF is out of my league and legitimately awesome; everything about our relationship makes my heart sing. GF definitely feels the same way. We’re very, very happy. Yay.

That said, I regret having hooked up with FF. She, however, doesn’t feel that way. At all. She was sad when I started dating GF, but she’s been unnaturally cool about it and (take my word for it) wouldn’t blow up my spot, as the kids say. Anyway, FF ends up at the same party as me and GF every once in a while. FF will occasionally get drunk and make comments (to me and only me) about how she enjoyed when we hooked up, and I change the subject. FF seems to have no problem with my not wanting to talk about it.

I’m not sure GF would even care if I told her or she found out (past the fact that GF is much better looking and might wonder why). I don’t feel like I should have to tell GF about this. We’ve never discussed our sexual histories beyond what we already knew about each other. FF won’t tell on me, but I’m afraid of her getting sour if I tell her off. The situation seems stable as is.

Should I worry about this as much as I do, which is a lot?

No. If your girlfriend has been cool about your past (and by “cool” I mean not prying), then she’s not jealous of other women and hell-bent on destroying what she considers to be the competition. You’re in the clear. Seriously. I’m not going to go into the details of what it’s like to have a girlfriend who’s psychotically investigative of every woman you’ve ever dated, however briefly, but I can assure you: it is a hellish misery I will never, ever, EVER subject myself to again.

No matter how good the sex is. I mean it.

Futebol: What the fuck does one do about Santonio Holmes? Is he even draft-worthy in an 8-person league?
-King Floyd Landis

I don’t know, I play in leagues with competitive numbers of people.

ps – Is there an email address from which you’d prefer to retrieve these Mailbag questions? I don’t know if there is, so the rest of your readership probably doesn’t either. Just throwing it out there.

You can never go wrong with the KSK address. Yes, I usually handle the mailbag, but I like to get other input from the gay mafia, and on the rare occasion when I’m unavailable, it’s nice to not forward ten or 20 or 30 emails.

Dear Captain Cavecreature,
What’s the social rules for hitting on an employee when you’re a customer? At one of the bars I frequent there is a fairly hot waitress. When I and friends go in she’s always striking up conversations with me and being extra friendly. Now my friends claim that’s because she wants to do me. I maintain because I’m the only guy in the place who doesn’t grab at her ass and make lame passes at her when drunk. So I figure she’s being friendly because she knows I’m the only safe customer at the bar to talk to at 1 am. I’m the shield, if she’s talking to me in between making runs to check her tables, she’s immune from other guys coming up and trying to pick her up, so she’s basically friend zoned me in my mind.

I’m definitely interested on seeing which is the correct line of thought, but I want to do it in a manner that doesn’t fuck up my favored customer status with a hot waitress at a decent bar.

A wise approach. Another thing to consider is this: Is it more important that you (a) continue hanging out with your friends at this bar, or (b) make sure you took every chance to see this woman naked?

There’s a lot to be said for being just friendly with a girl that keeps 12 bottles of your favorite beer in a dark corner of the walk in until you come in and tells everyone else they’re sold out. In general it’s always to be on good terms with the people who hold the keys to your booze supply.

So should I man up here and do it point blank and the run the risk of getting dumped over to the “drunk guys who annoy me by hitting on me” side of the world? Or should I try for something more subtle?

More subtle.

One girl in the group suggested we invite her out with us to thank her for the beer thing and basically see how willing she is to hang with us (read: me) in an out of wok setting.

That’s a terrific idea! Invite her out with your group of friends. And definitely don’t do it in a wok, those are far too small for a lot of people to hang out in.

/reads fine print

WAIT A MINUTE. You’ve got women on your side?!?!? Dude, give it the 7th grade treatment. Send one of your homegirls to talk to your hottie waitress and get a feel for the situation. If she’s receptive, you can skip that whole group-outing bullshit I was just supporting.

Fantasy Football: I have Brandon Marshall in one of my leagues, fourth rounder if I want to keep him. Is it worth it with Henne throwing to him?
-Nice Guy At The Bar

Another B-Marsh question. Given his history of performing well despite issues regarding his attitude, girlfriend-punching, and shitty quarterbacks… I’d say yeah, keep him.

Dear KSK,
I logged onto my wife’s e-mail for a good reason (was asked to look up some address), but while I was logged in I got to snooping.

Ruh roh.

She is attending graduate school and claimed to have a day off earlier this week because the professor had an emergency. So we stayed in bed late and had some hot morning sex that was quite appreciated, however while I was snooping around the e-mail later that week I notice she sent an e-mail to her professor about her mother having cancer and needing treatment on the day she had off. It was a really good lie (I hope) and since she goes to a real religious school she was asking for prayers and the professor and dean offered prayers and condolences.

Wait, that’s it? She wasn’t emailing naked pictures to anyone or setting up a rendezvous with her ex-boyfriend?

I’m almost proud of her for playing these overly religious freaks, but I’m worried that she will get caught up in a lie that is too big or that she might be telling the truth. Additional back story, her mother doesn’t speak a word of English and she did have some health issues (cancer scare) about a year ago, but I never heard another word about it since. Do you think she was just lying to her professor to get the day off or to me about her mother’s health?

Neither! She was freeing up her afternoon to be with Rodrigo, the guy who fixed your toilet last month!

How do I approach her about logging onto her e-mail and going beyond what I was asked to do? How can I do all this without ruining any chance of hot morning sex?

You shut your goddam mouth is what you do. You didn’t even find a REAL reason to be suspicious. OR DID YOU?

No, but seriously, this “problem” is one of the biggest letdowns I’ve seen in mailbag history. When I hear about snooping through email, I really need to read something more provocative than she lied to her professor to have sex with you. Besides, if her mother DOES have cancer, then she’ll tell you when she’s ready to tell you. Problem solved.

OR… maybe she had a doctor’s appointment for an abortion because Rodrigo got her pregnant!

I joined two FF leagues, one with strangers (League champion!) which was lame because no trades or any sign of life outside an occasional free agent pick up. The other was with friends/coworkers (3rd/10). The one with friends/coworkers was lame because there were a few inactives and then one of the players gave his account to a different player who pulled the best players and ended up winning. Were these leagues lame because no money was involved, or are there competitive free public leagues?

Buddy, fantasy football is pretty lame whether you’ve got money riding on it or not.

I play in two leagues — one for money, one not — and neither is more enjoyable than the other. Of course, the free league is with the KSK staff and an assortment of other sports bloggers, so knowing my competition makes it more fun.

My Blogging Icons,

I think that’s an oxymoron. Either way, you need better icons.

I’m a 24 year old sophomore in college because I’ve been on two tours to Iraq. A couple of weeks ago, during spring break I was out at a bar with some buddies and met this super hot 25 year old grad student. We ended up hooking up at her place and in the morning I was up and out before she woke up (I left a note thanking her for a good time with my number, but she never called or texted me).

You ditched before the morning sex? I honestly can’t believe how many people don’t go for the 2-for-1 special.

A couple weeks pass and my very (I’d like to emphasize VERY) pregnant professor finally leaves to have her child and I’ll be damned if said grad student isn’t the replacement student instructor for the rest of the term.

Is this the script for a Cinemax movie?

I wish I had a picture of her face when I approached her. We’ve talked during her office hours once (about my paper) and she was pretty flirtatious; not over the top or anything but she made me feel like I had another shot with her. Any advice on how to… I’ll be honest. I really just wanna hook up with her in her office, so any advice on how to go about that would be greatly appreciated.

Picture of her that morning is attached, post it if you must, otherwise whatever.

I feel that we must:


That ass, plus back dimples? Iraq veteran or not, someone needs to slap you upside the head for not getting her number.

As for how to make the most of her office hours… I haven’t the slightest clue. Undergrad was a long, long time ago for me, and in four years I never once had a hot T.A., much less one that I’d already hooked up with. I’d recommend busting your ass on the class assignments, going to her office hours on a regular basis (without looking too desperate for her attention), and letting her determine the tempo. The last thing you want to do is make an unwanted move on someone who controls your grade.

Football: I was raised in Colorado, so I pledge allegiance to the Broncos. I know you guys really don’t like them and that’s okay because they were on top back in the late 90’s.

That’s a common misconception. Although none of us are unified across the board in our likes and dislikes, our principles demand that we try to hate all 32 teams equally. So yes: we hate the Broncos. But they’re not special — we hate everyone.

I’d like a serious answer though. I don’t really like what McD has done to the team. How do you feel about McDaniels and do you think that there’s anything that he’s done to our roster that we stand to benefit from? Or are my fears confirmed and he’ll be out of a job in two years and we’ll be out Cutler, B-Marsh, Hillis and stuck with Brady Quinn dragging us down with all the gay strength he can muster?

McDaniels follows the Belichickian “asshole” model of coaching: every player has to buy into the communist team-first model, complete with ruthless dictator. Dissenters will be taken out into the street and shot (metaphorically). At this point, after one season, McD has effectively consolidated power, and the next season or two will tell you what you want to know.

But your question isn’t “Is McDaniels a dickhead?” (Yes.) Your question is “Will he succeed?” (Fuck if I know.) Before the season last year, the Broncos were supposed to be EPICALLY shitty. Like, 2-14 shitty. Then those fuckers started out 6-0 thanks to a tenacious defense and more than their share of luck (see: Week 1 at Cincy). Sure, they fell apart after the bye, but the fact that they went 8-8 with a first-year, first-time coach after trading away the franchise quarterback for Kyle Fucking Orton isn’t anything to scoff at. You’re definitely in the right to hate McDaniels for being an asshole, but that asshole might yet produce some results.

Yo dudes,
I’m the guy who wrote in last week with the lifeguard ex.

Ah yes, the crappy lifeguard (see last entry). How’d it go?

I saw her last Friday, and I ended up telling her how I felt and, all things considered, it was well-received. We talked for a long time and then made out for a while, during which she asked if I still loved her. I told her I did, and she seemed genuinely moved by it, and we left it that although we couldn’t get back together (she’s going out west for the summer and I’m in NC), we would see what happened on Saturday. Fast forward to Saturday: I text her once during the day but don’t get a response until like 7 hours later to tell me that she’s leaving the party we were both attending. This irks me, because if she wanted to see me, I feel as though she would’ve made an effort, and I say so. We talked a little more after that, but now she says I made her feel like crap on Saturday and that all the progress we made on Friday has gone down the drain. So, my question is this: am I to blame for being upset with her on Saturday when she blew me off? Moreover, what the hell do I do now? I still care about her a lot and want to be with her, but she’s extremely hot and cold and I’m kind of tired of being at her beck and call only to get the boot when it no longer suits her to acknowledge me.

Are you to blame for being upset at her? No. Are you to blame for not hooking up with her? Yes. Are you better off standing up for yourself and instead looking for someone who doesn’t jerk you around? Most likely.

I — and most grown men I know — have at some point been under the spell of a woman who gets cheap thrills from keeping you on the hook without ever doing you the favor of pulling you into the boat and clubbing you over the head. [An extended fishing metaphor. Nice.] It ain’t worth the heartache or the headache. She’ll come looking for you — probably over Facebook — just as soon as you find yourself happily in a new relationship.

Football: Trying to join another league to avoid FFB with my mom.

I should probably just grow a pair,
H. Alvardro

No no no no no. PLEASE be in a league with your mom. I’d love for you to give us access to your league page, so I could run a weekly feature called “How Was Alvardro Humiliated by His Peers This Week?” I think it would go over well.

Around The Web