Rex Ryan Greatest Coach Ever Keeps Pushing Competition

05.29.14 3 years ago 31 Comments


Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Geno Smith: [Runs fingers over words cut into the side of Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker] “#6 was here?” Who carved that into my locker? Sanchez? Are you here?

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Geno Smith: Feels like just yesterday I was telling Nacho about consistency and stability right in front of this very locker. How we needed it and how it was going to help the two of us be better quarterbacks. Now Sanchez is gone and I’m sitting down here alone because coach doesn’t want me talking to the media today. Coach even said before it wasn’t a competition! What am I supposed to think now, Sanchez?

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Geno Smith: You’re right. I should just sketch out my feelings.

Geno Drawing

Geno Smith: This isn’t helping. Need to think of something happy, positive. Loyal.

Geno Drawing 2

Geno Smith: What’s your name, little guy? Do you want to be called Nacho? I had a friend coach called Nacho once.

(Door swooshes open)

Eric Decker Instagram

Eric Decker: Hey buddy, how you doing? Drawing? Hold on, let me post it to my Instagram! That’s awesome! Hold on a second first.

[Checks into Jet’s Locker Room on Foursquare.]

Geno Smith: But it’s…

Eric Decker: Smile!

[Takes selfie in front of locker, posts to Instagram, “Look at what my man Geno is doing #JETSNATION! Decorating our locker room with pictures he drew himself! A puppy!”]

[Eric Decker’s phone goes off.]

Mike Vick (@MikeVick) has favorited one of your Tweets!

Eric Decker: Son of a beeswax! Well, can’t block the quarterback on the old Tweeter. Bad for stats.

Geno Smith: Wait, Tweeter? I’m not even using my phone right now…

(Door flies open)


Rex Ryan: How the fuck you doin’ boys!

Geno Smith: Well, I was going to ask about…

Rex Ryan: Geno, I know. Let’s wait until Competition is done upstairs. We’ve got some important business to take care of first. GQ!

Eric Decker: Yes, sir?

Rex Ryan: Can you explain what you did wrong on this play?

Eric Decker: But that’s my Instagram of my wife…

Rex Ryan: I know what the garsh-dang thing this is, GQ. Hired you for looks, not your smarts. How the fuck did you get that hot wife of yours posed and in some cute little pom-footied socks and then go and cut off her toes? What do you need to do to fix this route?

Geno Smith: I thought Decker did great when I threw to him on the outside…

Rex Ryan: So did I, Mr. Vincent fucking-van Gogh. Wouldn’t have called him our go-to guy if I didn’t mean it. But that’s not GQ’s problem. GQ, what did you do wrong here?

Eric Decker: Well, it is a little out of focus. And the baby should be the center of the photo and not her watch for framing…

Rex Ryan: And if you had moved the camera a little to the left what would have happened to the framing?

Geno Smith: [To Puppy Nacho] Shhh, stop whimpering. Coach is mean because he loves us. It’s okay.

Eric Decker: AH! I see it! Too much dead space on the right and I would have gotten all of Jessica in the shot, down to her very tip toes! Those little pom socks are too adorable to be left out of the frame!


Rex Ryan: THAT’S IT GQ! NOW YOU SEE IT. I’M PROUD OF YOU AND YOUR WIFE’S COMMITMENT TO HEEL ENHANCEMENT, ACHILLES KNEW WHERE THE SWEET SPOT WAS FOR THOSE LITTLE POM-POMS. Next time you see your wife in those little poms, you get down nice and tight and put one of those poms in your teeth and pull. I want to see the FIGHT in your eyes as you rip them off her, you hear me GQ?


Mike Vick (@MikeVick) has favorited one of your Tweets!

Eric Decker: Son of a beeswax!

(Door wafts open)


Michael Vick: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Rex Ryan: Competition! Glad to see you finally wrapped with those god-dang, slap-dicks at Newsday. Did you tell them your new nickname here in New York? Because I cannot abide by that Kimberly Martin telling the world what we’re doing and what we’re not doing here at the Meadowlands. That’s right, I’ll call a woman a slap-dick. They want in the locker room, they can be a slap-dick like the rest of them. Not on the team? Automatic slap-dick.

Geno Smith: [To Puppy Nacho] No, you’re not a slap-dick, little buddy.

Michael Vick: Heyyyyyyyy, little guy. Aren’t you cute. What’s you’re name? Come here, boooyyyyyyy…


Michael Vick: Riiiiigggghhht. I told the nice lady there isn’t a competition but I’m Competition.

Geno Smith: [To Puppy Nacho] See, told you not to worry. Steaks for us tonight!

Michael Vick: And then I said Geeeeennnnoooooo was starting QB.

Rex Ryan: NO! GAD-DANG DAMMIT, COMPETITION. No one has the job. You push Geno and Geno pushes you. It’s a competition, Competition! Why is that so confusing?


Rex Ryan: See? If GQ can get it, why can’t you Competition? You’re supposed to be my starting quarterback.

Geno Smith: So if we’re tied, we both start? Competition starts? Or do I start? We both start. Competition… Starts?

Rex Ryan: YES. About goddamn time someone figured out what I was doing.

Michael Vick: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh?

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Rex Ryan: Absolutely, Competition.

Puppy Nacho: Ruff!

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