Sex Cannon: Oh, hi there. I’m Rex Grossman. If you aren’t sure who I am, you should know that I’m the guy who jizzed over Jack Del Rio’s playoff hopes and instantly replaced Graydick McNabb in the hearts and vaginas of DC football fans the world over. And I’m here to cordially invite you to my New Year’s Eve party, here in DC. We’ll be celebrating 2011, which is the Year of the Cannon in Chinese folklore. I know that because I humped a Chinese girl once until her heart stopped beating and fried rice came flying out of her ears.
Drunk Girl: Can I come to your party, Rex?
Sex Cannon: You sure can, Drunken Rich Georgetown Girl. If you’re between the ages of nineteen and a half and twenty, and you’re drunk, and you hate your Catholic parents, there’s a spot on the guest list for YOU.
Drunk Girl: Will there be any drink specials?
Sex Cannon: Yes, and they all come from this tap.
(points to crotch)
You can drink all night long. The crowd can go eight deep though. AND NO CANNON DONG FOR ANYONE WITHOUT A BLUE WRISTBAND. Late Night Cumshots policy.
People, I’m gonna lay it out for you right now. I know you think I’m just a temporary quarterback. The fluffer of the Washington offense, as it were. I know you’re just aching to have Jake Locker come in here and fumble all over the place. But in 2011, the Sex Cannon is gonna show you just why he became a GIANT-COCKED STAR to begin with. You’re going to see me throw longer. Harder. NASTIER. I’m gonna throw so hard, you might even feel a little nauseous watching it.
And I’m not gonna stop there. I’m gonna double-penetrate the defense. That’s right. They say you can’t throw two balls at once. WELL I CAN. I will throw seven balls at the same time and split that defense like Annabel Chong. It’ll be so sexy, you may have to seek counseling afterwards.
I’m gonna introduce entire new objects to insert into the defense. Cucumbers, flashlights, small trees. You name something I can stick up the defense’s gut, and it’s going in there. It’s going to be the most hardcore passing game you’ve ever seen. Will Anthony Armstrong be able to take on so many balls and strings of thrown anal beads at once? WHO CARES? What matters is that I will be the one with the stones to throw them. After you see that, you’ll never go back to missionary-style throwing with Ryan Mallett. That’s a guarantee.
So join me as I ring in 2011 with a thousand of my closest people-who-are-not-friends-because-I-will-have-sex-with-them.
Drunk Girl: Is there a cover charge?
Sex Cannon: Only if you’re covered, sweetheart. Only if you’re covered. Now take that top off and come get yourself a free sip.