The Bills Get To Play In Super Mario World

03.16.12 6 years ago 29 Comments

After several days of being held hostage in a Buffalo hotel, Mario Williams was allowed on Thursday to leave with his life only on the condition that he would accepted $100 million to play for the Bills. Tough call.

Disbelief abounded – observers couldn’t come to grips with the fact that the Bills actually spent money and that a premiere free agent would accept it from. And Bills fans were themselves floored by the possibility that their team could be halfway decent.

A reader named Charlie sent the bad MS Paint up top to our inbox with this message:

You can use this for whatever if you want it. We Bills fans are so pathetic that any ray of hope makes us go ape. I mean, it’s not like Mario knows how to block, pass, run, catch or kick. If anything, he gets us to 8-8.

Weeeee! Guarded optimism or toyed-with cynicism? Bills fandom comes in two flavors.

From there, I decided that Bills are Mario characters was an idea I could run with. Better that than covering the various owners’ private jets descending on Durham to watch Peyton Manning show off his NeckAIDs at Duke. Or at least while a way a little time until the NFL releases the bountygate punishment at 5 p.m. on a Friday like we all expect them to.

You could argue that, as Mario Williams’ future partner is pass rushing, that Kyle Williams should be Luigi. Well I’m sorry, Kyle Williams is much too fat to be Luigi. Plus the Wario “W” works for Williams.


Not that I think Fred Jackson has shown a lot about his personality that would liken him to Yoshi, but Yoshi has to be a running back. Yoshi gets run into the ground like a running back. He eats a lot of healthy shit like berries. He also keeps going after he takes a hit, even if it means plunging into a pit.

A complaint you often hear in regards to the rules protecting QBs is that we should just put them in pink dresses. Well now we have done just that with Ryan Fitzpatrick. A bearded Toadstool also makes me laugh.

Shawne Merriman is Thwomp. He just is. There is no more Thwompable character in the NFL.

Stevie Johnson’s celebration mocking Plaxico could have been that much better if he could actually fire Bullet Bills from his fingers. Also, Bills, Bullet Bills? I think you see where I’m going with this.

Ralph Wilson is Dry Bones. Ha ha, it’s funny ’cause he’s almost dead. He also gave this quote introducing Mario:

“I’d like to see us make the playoffs and possibly the Super Bowl while I’m around,” the 93-year-old Wilson said. “I don’t expect to be around that many years.”

Bowser might be too cool for 5Chan, but it works in a way. Bowser fucks up constantly and yet still finds a way to keep coming back. That is a highly Chan quality.

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