The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: NFC 2nd Seed — Minnesota Vikings

01.12.10 8 years ago 94 Comments

Here’s but one of a barrage of horrifically unfunny Brett Favre ads for Starter that, if they haven’t already debuted (I hadn’t seen them before this morning), will soon only tighten the Land Baron’s stranglehold on your television set. Of course, to get Brittfar to whore for you, you have to make the commercial more about goddamn Favre than the product you’re actually selling. Did you know Brett is super awesome in cold weather games? Well, then you didn’t watch the 2007 NFC Championship Game.

It’s just like the Best Buy Sears ads that aired earlier in the season in which he couldn’t make up his mind about buying a TV. HARF HARF ‘CAUSE BRETT WAS INDECISIVE ABOUT RETIREMENT TOO!

It’s easy to heap the loathing of the Vikings solely on Favre’s creaky old shoulders. He’s obviously the most detestable member of the team, perhaps the most self-involved scheming player in the history of the league, while at the same time the most shamelessly lauded and apologized for by the media.

As their fans will remind you, the team has never won shit, as though success were the only determinant of fanbase repugnance. After all, the Eagles have never won shit either and their fans are some of the biggest assholes on the planet. But it’s mostly true in Minnesota’s case – the Vikings achieve little beyond mild annoyance to the majority of the league. Brad Childress’ incompetence is fun to laugh at. Jared Allen is the white trash Ochocinco. Purple Jesus’ fumbling makes him flawed enough that he’s not irritatingly too good. The only other member of the team I actually hate is Benny Sapp, who should be considered one of the top five dirtiest players in the league, but goes relatively unnoticed because he sucks so hard. And he got punked on national television by Steve Smith.

Beyond that, I guess I can generate some rage for Pat and Kevin Williams getting away with cheating. Maybe.

Eh, still not so much.

Which is what makes Favre in Minnesota that much more infuriating. Not only did he handpick a team that is a quarterback away from serious contention, but he lands on one that is otherwise unremarkable in their ability to invoke anything but tepid feelings in the average viewer. That puts all the focus back on Favre, even when you want to ignore him.

Still, even if the rest of the team won’t make this hatefest any easier, there are always the compromised, sellout fans. Yes, even with his legion of creepy followers who root for only him independent of team affiliation, his history of killing of Minnesota, in the span of a few short months he’s gotten the vast majority of Vikings fans to embrace him. Sure, Drew and his fellow horned fatties wrestled with it early on, but by the halfway mark of the year, they were so overjoyed that they had a QB capable of outplaying Tarvaris Jackson that they were ready to let Bretty Boy tittyfuck their man boobs.

And that’s why you’re fucking disgusting. I don’t care how desperate the Vikings are for a title. How badly the team needs a breakthrough season in order to bilk taxpayers into funding a new stadium. You still brought in the franchise’s mortal enemy to do it. You still enabled the most irritating figure in sports, giving him exactly what he wanted. You should have been pissed every single dropback he didn’t get his tendons shredded. Some Vikes fans have used the late season dip to affect a false emotional distance, as though they won’t go batshit crazy if Favre gets them to Miami. But we know you will.

And that’s why you can get SKÅL fucked, you Midwestern bitchtits.

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