The week the NFL became golf and was obsessed with pants

01.17.14 4 years ago 35 Comments


So what happened to us? We used to be COOL, MAN.

There were boat trips with strippers and balloons and taking pictures of our weed and smoking our weed and getting in trouble for putting sharpies in our socks and making it rain and leaving the league for some namaste shit and having specialized Corvettes and dating American Idol contestants and fighting paper towel dispensers in gas station restrooms in the middle of the night and shooting ourselves in the leg in front of naked people and changing our name to Ocho and Ron Mexico and playing in the NFL and then MLB because it was so damn easy when we were young.

Now? Now we’re old. Our panties are in a twist over pants. And not the usual, “Hey look at Tommy Boy and Sanchez modeling” pants, but over the same pleated khaki’s 85% of local bank managers wear on casual Fridays. And people had the nerve to laugh because a head coach of an NFL team was spotted in Walmart buying pants. Well aren’t you all just a bunch of money bags, swimming in your pools of Armani’s like David Beckham wearing a Scrooge McDuck costume made out of down. Like you never had to wear a pair of cheap pants for a cheap job, and I mean even you Skippy in your hand-me-down Land’s End khakis for your first day of law school. Land’s End has shops in outlet malls, I’ve seen them, so stop being so high and mighty about your own pants.

You know what football fields are covered with? Sweat — ball sweat at that, tears, vomit, boogers, blood, more vomit, piss and if you believe Tony Siragusa, sometimes shit too. You really want to wear nice pants in that cesspool? No. You buy cheap pants that you toss immediately into the trash after Glenn Dorsey farts within three feet of you.

You know why this is a story? Jim Harbaugh’s wife said she hated his pants and it was a slow week without fun and everyone picked up on it. Speaking as a wife and as a woman who has lived with a couple of men before her husband, all of our partners wear something that we hate. My husband keeps trying to wear skinny vests. He’s 6’3, weighs about 190 pounds and is solid as an oak. He can’t pull off wearing skinny vests and yet they keep showing up in his closet like he’s built like goddamn Frodo of the Shire. Do I go to the media about it? No. I let him keep buying skinny vests and then sighing heavily when he tries to wear one like a downtown bartender slinging $18 whiskey drinks. Way to ruin the passive aggressive game for the rest of us, Mrs. Harbaugh.

SO PANTS. Khakis, jeans bastard military cousin, at that. This is what we have to talk about less than 48 hours before conference championship weekend. FINE. LET’S TALK ABOUT PANTS AND NOT FUN STUFF LIKE DRINKING TEQUILA IN THE CLUB SHIRTLESS. HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY LORD ROG FOR THIS BLANDNESS YOU’VE STOMPED INTO US.

— Lindsey (@Lahlahlindsey) January 17, 2014

Via Erik Malinowski


Oooooooh. Man, those pants look fancy. Docker’s you say? For $500? AND HARBAUGH WORE THEM?!?! Well shit, clear out Lou Gehrig’s “Today I am the luckiest man” game worn uniform out of the display case Martha, because these chinos are going up up up in value!

— Wendy Thurm (@hangingsliders) January 17, 2014


Look who got up-voted on Threadless! Must have been a tough round against the Dark Crystal/dino/Mario mushroom/shark/Boba Fett mashup. It’s a trend! Khakis are hot in San Francisco! Home of Dockers, The Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy!

“California Soul”? How can you resist the siren song of the khakis.

My buddy Matt said it the best, the real story will be when we see a coach wearing skinny jeans on the sidelines. You want to know what that is going to look like? I’ll show you what our future holds if the pants mafia has their way.

Jim Wears Skinny Jeans

And do we really want that?

EDIT – Of course I write this on a Thursday night and by Friday morning Davone Bess is arrested and it comes out that Kellen Winslow was discovered with synthetic weed and wacking off in his car back in November. 

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