There Is No Off-Season for Raider Jokes

02.22.10 8 years ago 93 Comments

I have more pet peeves than I could ever possibly catalog, but one of the things that bloggers do that I hate most is write “Insert joke here” or “The jokes write themselves” instead of actually writing a joke. It’s like announcing to your audience that you recognize comedic potential in a story but you don’t have the time or the brain power to sit down and come up with a joke.

That’s the story today, when Pro Football Talk reported on the first-ever Raidercruise — which leaves from L.A. on May 2nd, with three scheduled stops in Mexico — with the lede “Some of the best jokes write themselves.” Well, actually, no. The jokes don’t write themselves. They magically appear online in popular dick humor forums. Join us for a Raidercruise jokekkake, won’t you?

Even the Oakland Raiders cruise knows better than to stop in Oakland.

Guests will have the opportunity to ride in extremely fast speedboats that aren’t seaworthy.

The cruise isn’t much, but it has the most expensive napkins and deck towels of any team-based cruise going.


Guests on the cruise are hoping to be rescued by Somali pirates.

Blah! Be sure to stop by ze ship’s mandatory blood donation center! Blah! Blah!

The formal dinner on Saturday is black jersey and silver facepaint only.

“I’m Julie, your entertainment director, and GAHHHH WHY IS TOM CABLE PUNCHING ME??!!!!!?!?!!”

Grouper returns a Jamarcus Russell thrown life preserver 67 yards for a touchdown.

The food is great if you break into JaMarcus’ room.

Bruce Gradkowski will politely laugh at your Polish submarine jokes upon request.

Louis Murphy and Johnny Lee Higgins forced to play classic rock each evening solely because of their names.

Nnamdi Asomugha will cater to one passenger really well.

Al Davis is expected to trade for Philip Rivers to keep the cruise ship floating for years to come.

As a favor to Justin Fargas, Huggy Bear gets his first gig in twenty years.

Bartender Sebastian Janikowski’s specialties: roofie gin & tonic, roofie margarita, roofie Tom Collins, roofie Old Fashioned, roofie Long Island…

At least one person will die, much like every other cruise you’ve ever been on.

First mate leaves cruise before ship is out of port to take job at Cal.

Guaranteed whale watching, or Janikowski gets pushed overboard.

Robert Gallery will be used as chum to attract sharks for your enjoyment.

Watch a Mike Shanahan look-alike walk the plank every hour on the tens.

Richard Seymour will join the cruise shortly after it begins, but don’t expect him to do anything.

Al Davis is paying Carnival $80 million over the next three years for one of their decommissioned ships.

Zach Miller’s sole responsibility is to keep Jim Fassel from stowing away.

“Sure, we could try to go around that iceberg, but that’s what it expects.  We’re going through it!!!” – Capt. Cable

Scenic ports of call: Tripoli, Port-au-Prince, Lagos.

Guests welcome to play football on the ship’s baseball diamond.

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