Tom Coughlin Fills Out His Oscar Ballot

03.02.14 4 years ago 59 Comments

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Tom Coughlin (Yelling across the house): Judy, I’m just going to check my email real quick before dinner. See if Dave finally sent that scouting video I asked for.

Judy (From the kitchen): Okay, dear. Don’t take too long. You know how much you hate it when the asparagus has gone limp.

Tom Coughlin sits at an enormous large desk with an equally large IBM Aptiva computer. He pulls his glasses out of his pocket and starts reading down.

Tom Coughlin (muttering to himself): Reduce your mortgage rates today, friend request from Greg Schiano. (Yelling) Judy, should I accept a friend request from Greg Schiano?

Judy (From the kitchen): Seems a bit desperate, don’t you think?

Tom Coughlin (Back to muttering to himself): Yeah, probably. Brick of the Day from Bricks Unlimited. Save that for later. ‘Join our Oscar Pool Coach!!! :) :) :) :)’ What is this, Eli?

Dear Coach!

We’re having an Oscar pool again and you should be in it! Victor wins every year but I think I can finally take it! I’ve watched all the movies!

$10 to join but don’t worry I asked and they said we could put money on this since no one gets hurt, coach. And it’s not like these are real sports or anything.

Your pal,


Tom Coughlin (Yelling): Judy, Eli wants me to join an Oscar pool.

Judy (From the dining room): How many smiley faces?

Tom Coughlin: Four.

Judy: Oh dear. Best get started then, the Oscars are in a couple of hours.

1 Best Picture
Tom Coughlin: Hmmm. Tough one to start with. (Yelling) Judy, are the Mara girls in any of these movies?

Judy (from the laundry room): I don’t think so.

Tom Coughlin (Yelling): Are you sure? It’s important. I know I avoid their movies after that terrible GIRL WITH THE DRAGON AND A TATTOO incident, but I have to pretend I still saw the film if they’re in them. Why do they have to take off their clothes?

Judy: It’s artistic, Tom.

Tom Coughlin: (Back to muttering to himself) Tim Mara would have never put up with it. Okay, CAPTAIN PHILLIPS. Tom Hanks is always good.
2 Best Actor
Tom Coughlin: Oh. Bruce Dern. He was in WAGON WHEEL with John Wayne. Now that man knew what a real movie was all about.

Judy (From the sun deck): He was also in BLACK SUNDAY, the football terrorist movie.
3 Best Actress
Tom Coughlin (Yelling): Judy, did you see the Meryl Streep movie?

Judy (From the pantry): The one where she’s on pills and Benedict Cumberbatch is someone’s kid?

Tom Coughlin: Pills? Nope. Judi Dench it is.

4 Best Actor Supporting
Tom Coughlin: Oh hey there is the kid from MONEYBALL. He’s smart. Wonder if he’s free for the draft?

5 Best Actress Supporting
Tom Coughlin: Only name I know, Julia Roberts.

Judy (From the powder room): I think she took pills too in the movie.

Tom Coughlin: Nudity and pills! Jennifer Lawrence seems like a wholesome person. No wait, June Squibb.

Feature Filmed Animated

Tom Coughlin: Guess the grandkids liked CROODS movie. And the FROZEN one. They’re kids, they like all of them. Why do kids pick Oscars?
6 Cinematoraphy

Tom Coughlin: The GRAVITY guy, I guess. Must be hard to make a movie in space.

Judy (From the living room): They didn’t make the movie in space, Tom. It was made here on earth.

Tom Coughlin: Well, it looked like space so I’m voting for it.

7 Costume Design
Tom Coughlin: Clothes for THE INVISIBLE WOMAN?

8 Directing
Tom Coughlin: Oh, an easy one. Martin Scorsese. I always love watching THE GODFATHER when it comes on.

Judy (From the bedroom): Martin Scorsese didn’t direct THE GODFATHER, Tom. Francis Ford Coppola directed THE GODFATHER.

Tom Coughlin: Are you sure? Isn’t he the guy with the wine?

Judy: Yes I’m sure. He also makes wine. His daughter makes movies too. A family business.

Tom Coughlin: Have the Mara girls been in them?

Judy: I don’t think so, but that would be a good match, the Coppolas and the Maras.

Tom Coughlin: (Muttering to himself) Better match if they stopped getting into the devil’s work of movies. I’m still picking Scorsese because I think he directed at least one of THE GODFATHER films.

9 Documentary Feature
Tom Coughlin: Documentaries? (Yelling) Why don’t the NFL Films guys ever get nominated for documentaries?

Judy (From the Lido Deck): I think the movies have to be shown in movie theaters, Tom. They show NFL Film movies on TV.

Tom Coughlin: But what about this one THE SQUARE? It was on our Netflix, and that’s TV.

Judy: They four-wall it.

Tom Coughlin: Four-wall it? When did you learn so much about the movies? What does that even mean?

Judy: I have interests, Tom, when you’re not here. Kelly Ripa explained it on the show the other day to Michael Strahan.

Tom Coughlin: So you’re telling me Michael Strahan knows more about four-walling than I do, Judy?

Judy: Apparently so.

Tom Coughlin (muttering): Apparently so. Hadn’t talked him into coming back one last year to win the Super Bowl and he wouldn’t know what a four-wall was if it kicked him in his butt.

10 Documentary Short Subject
Tom Coughlin: How many documentaries can there be? PRIVATE JACK HALL is the only one that looks interesting.

11 Film Editing
Tom Coughlin: Oh shoot. I haven’t picked anything from the slave movie yet. Better hedge my bets here.

12 Foreign Language Film
Tom Coughlin: Which one of these is about a horse?

Judy (From the entryway): Not sure if any of them have horses, Tom.

Tom Coughlin: To make a good movie, you need a horse.

13 Makeup and Hairstyling
Tom Coughlin: Who wants to watch a movie about a bad grampa? He probably took the pills. LONE RANGER. That probably had a horse.

Judy: At least the horse wore makeup.

14 Music Original Score
Tom Coughlin: The John Williams one.

15 Music Original Song
Tom Coughlin (Yelling): Judy, what’s the song the grandkids are always singing?

Judy (From the dining room again): The song from FROZEN.

Tom Coughlin: Yeah, any song but that one.

16 Production Design
Tom Coughlin (Muttering): Does this ever end, my asparagus has probably gone cold by now.

Judy (From the back stairs): Four smiley faces, Tom.

17 Short Film Animated
Tom Coughlin: Thank goddness, another horse film.

18 Short Film Live Action
Tom Coughlin: Pitä-äkö Mun Kaikki Hoitaaaaaaaaa. ‘Do I have to take care of everything?’ Know how that feels.

19 Sound Editing
Tom Coughlin (Yelling): What’s sound editing, Judy? Does Michael Strahan know about that?

Judy (From the powder room): It’s what you hear in the movie, and the new sounds.

20 Sound Mixing
Tom Coughlin (Yelling): So what’s sound mixing then?

Judy (still in the loo): How much you hear of the sounds.

Tom Coughlin: I still think the NFL Films guys should get nominated then.

21 Visual Effects

Tom Coughlin: Star Trek? I always like Star Trek, even if they don’t have a horse or John Wayne.

Judy (From the kitchen): There was a horse in STAR TREK GENERATIONS.

Tom Coughlin: Is that the one with the whale?

Judy: I think so.

Tom Coughlin: Ah-ha! It was STAR TREK VOYAGE HOME that had the whale. I was testing you, Judy!

Judy: Yes, yes. VOYAGE HOME. Hurry up, Tom.

22 Writing Adapted Screenplay
Tom Coughlin: Who are these people?

Judy (From the dining room): Pick the one with Julie Delpy.

Tom Coughlin (Yelling): Why?

Judy: She’s French. They know a lot about cinema.

Tom Coughlin: She take the pills?

Judy: I don’t think so. They drink wine, not pills.

Tom Coughlin: Well, I guess wine is okay since they serve it at mass.

23 Writing Original Screenplay
Tom Coughlin (Yelling, alarmed): JUDY! They let that Woody Allen on the list!

Judy (Rushing into Tom’s office): Keep your voice down, Tom. We’re close to New York and you know how much they like Woody Allen.

Tom Coughlin: Well I’m not voting for Woody Allen. Disgraceful, even by movie standards.

Judy: I know, dear. Pick someone else.

Tom Coughlin: Not the guy with the “z” in his name. Probably a skateboarder.

Judy: He wrote the movie where the guy falls in love with his phone.

Tom Coughlin: Perverts, all of them. What about this one for DALLAS BUYERS CLUB?

Judy: Pills for HIV patients in the 1980s.

Tom Coughlin: Hm. Well now I have to pick that one, because then I’m a bad person if I don’t. Are you sure there isn’t one who wrote about a horse? And the Mara girls aren’t in any of these? One of them wasn’t a phone?

Judy: Pick DALLAS BUYERS CLUB. Or you can pick the NEBRASKA writer. He also wrote SIDEWAYS and you liked SIDEWAYS.

Tom Coughlin: The one Bart Giamatti’s kid was in? As a drunk. I did like that. How Bart let his kid get into movies too? Judy, when we’re done with dinner, make sure the kids are getting into movies.

Judy: Sure thing, coach.


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