Ways to improve field goal and extra point kicks

03.28.14 4 years ago 56 Comments

Extra points have been a complete joke for over a decade now, with  a 99.6% success rate last year causing people to realize that it’s all kind of pointless. The NFL ruled that they would try the PATs from 20 yards back in the preseason this coming season, see if it spruces things up. They also ruled to give the uprights some natural male enhancement to add another 5 feet to the top.

And, of course, they would ban the goalpost dunk, because fun is overrated.

But they could have done so much more. Here are some of the ways they could improve the kicking game.

– The Kicker must be drunk, high, or hallucinating at all times. Extra points are awarded for being all 3.
– All holders for kicks must hold onto greasy fried chicken breasts before trotting out onto the field
– All holders must be Lucy from “Peanuts”
– Blindfolds. Blindfolds for everyone!
– No placekicking. All drop kicks.
– One of the players on the field for the kick is actually the Thing.
– Footballs must be properly packaged and shipped, kicker has to sign all the paperwork before the defense reaches him. Successful kicks will not arrive on the scoreboard for 3-5 business days, or the next game.
– Every time a kicker misses his wife gets a finger cut off and sent to him by the group holding her hostage
– Whoever scored the touchdown has to kick the extra point
– Lasers. Not sure what they’ll be for, but come on, lasers.
– If someone ices the kicker it now means teams can dump ice water on the kicker prior to the snap
– Allow Slam Dunks on goalposts, but if the posts become misaligned do not fix them. Never fix the goalposts and let them slowly fall over.
– Give everyone in the stands behind the uprights a big fan to point where they choose

Lastly, goalposts are boring. Let’s see what we can do to make them not boring.

Why extend the goal posts 5 feet up when you can just cap it?


How about it gets capped, and upon each made field goal the bar gets lowered?



America is too fat. Let’s have football set a good example!

Or…what about making LOTS OF BARS. The outside slots are worth 1 pt. the top is worth 2. the bottom 3. the middle is worth 5.

OR… maybe Sauron? You try to make a 45 yarder with the lord of evil glaring at you.


How about making it into a game of quidditch?


Or, just to really stick it to the basketball dunkers…


But these are not nearly as awesome as MOVING GOALPOSTS

Dancing-uprights uprights4 uprights3 uprights2

That last one just looks like it’s taunting you. Neah neah neah neeeah you can’t make it neener neener you suck Cundiff

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