We Don’t Spend Nearly Enough Time Hating These Fat Humps

12.03.09 8 years ago 89 Comments


Cashier: Okay, sir. You got two bacon cheeseburgers, one spicy fish fillet, two sides of chicken fries, one order of chili cheese fries and one extra large cherry limeade. That’ll be $18.12.


Derek from Muncie: Ha! That’s funny! 18-12! That’s what Colts fans call the rivalry between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. The War of 1812. I don’t know if you can really call it a “war” anymore, because we own the Patriots now. How stupid was Belicheat going for that 4th and 2? Peyton would’ve never done that.

Cashier: [Polite chuckle]

Derek: Speaking of Peyton, did you know he’s the first quarterback to ever throw for 40,000 yards in ONE DECADE!? I learned that in my issue of Colts Insider that I keep right here in my front seat. Oops, it fell under this Quinzo’s bag. There it is!

Cashier: $18.12 is your total, sir.

Derek: Did you know the Colts have the most total wins of any team this decade? Sure, we might not have the most titles, like those cheating Patriots and Steelers who robbed us of what was rightfully ours, but the best team doesn’t always win the Super Bowl. But I do think we’re gonna win it this year. How couldn’t we? You just can’t count the Colts out, no matter how far they fall behind in any game. They’re just way, way too good. Did you see how they came back against the Texans? Classic Colts. Just like that Dolphins game where they won despite only having the ball for what? Five minutes? That’s crazy.

Cashier: You’re holding up the line, sir.

Derek: I appreciate you being so courteous to me. I used to frequent Subway all the time even though some of their employees are jerks. Wanna know why?

Cashier: [Doesn’t get a chance to speak]

Derek: Because Jared, their spokesguy, is a Colts fan. And people say the Colts aren’t a glamorous team!


We have a celebrity fan! I mean, Peyton’s really a celebrity in his own right. Did you see him on SNL? So funny. I think he’s gonna star in movies when his career is over. That is, when he’s not being a Super Bowl winning coach. Not like he’s not really coaching the team right now anyway. Caldwell’s just an empty figurehead. Anyway, I stopped going to Subway after they dropped Jared as their spokesguy. Now they have Justin Tuck and Michael Strahan doing ads? Whatever. The Giants suck. We beat them in the Greatest Game Ever Played in 1958. Man, I wish I could’ve been an Indy Colts fan back then.

Cashier: Please, sir. The money.

Derek: All right, all right. You know what you guys should do? When the Colts beat the Cheatriots record of 21 consecutive victories in two weeks, you should have a special promotion with that. Like, a free large cherry limeaid or something. I mean, the Colts should really have the record now anyway because the Pats are cheaters. The Chargers are too. Those scumbags didn’t deserve to beat us in our first playoff game the last two seasons. The NFL should investigate them. Shawne Merriman shared his steroids with everyone on the team. I read it on a message board. The Colts are good guys. We got rid of Marvin Harrison after his gun incident. Of course, he was old, decrepit and useless by that point anyway, but we still did it.

Oh, here’s you money.

Cashier: [Exhales sharply] Thank you.

Derek: HEY! My food’s cold now! I want my money back!

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