A Harbaugh Bowl Looms Ever Closer

01.16.13 5 years ago 50 Comments

John Harbaugh: It’s gonna happen. I hope you’re ready.

Jim Harbaugh: It’s definitely gonna happen.

John: Just so long as you hold up your end of the bargain.

Jim: Oh, we’re gonna be there. You just make sure your guys have a ticket to the dance.

John: Don’t worry about us. We already proved we can win on the road in the playoffs. We’re battle tested!

Jim: Only because you had to. Because you sucked in the regular season. Not our fault you couldn’t get a bye.

John: We had injuries!

Jim: [Mocking voice] We had injuries!

John: It doesn’t even matter. We’re in the same boat you are. Gotta win on the road to make it to the Super Bowl.

Jim: Hardly. All we gotta do is beat the Falcons. That’s nothing. There’s a reason we’re favored. America knows we’re the better team. I’ll be getting the Gatorade shower before the third quarter is over. You’re just gonna lose to the Patriots again.

John: We can beat the Patriots. We should have last year and we already did this year.

Jim: That’s only because of the replacement refs. That doesn’t count. We beat them for real.

John: Yes it counts. A win’s a win!

Jim: Well, I bet you can’t do it again.

John: Can so!

Jim: Cannot! You lost to Charlie Batch! AT HOME!

John: So what? Your team couldn’t beat the Rams! TWICE!

Jim: The Rams are better now!

John: Better than your face!

Jim: That face is in TV commercials, big brother. Face it: you can’t accept that I’m more famous than you and people think I’m a better coach. It burns you up inside.

John: You think I care what people think? C’mon, bring it. Throw down! See if they put you in any more commercials after I’m done with you.

Jim: Oooooh, loogit the big mouth on John. You were always good at talking. You think you’re tough just because you coach one accused killer? I’m not impressed. Ray Lewis was my teammate once.

John: Yeah, but that was before he got the taste for blood!

Jim: I’ve been spending a lot of time with Kaepernick’s fans in San Quentin. They taught me a lot of things. The best ways to muffle a scream when you’re raping a man after lights out. How to turn a toilet flusher into a lethal weapon. But most us all, they taught me to KILLLLLLLLLLL.

John: Then let’s see you kill! Time to nut up, little brother.



Jack Harbaugh: Boys! BOYS! Goddammit! Honey, get the hose!

[Sprays fire hose at the melee]

What did I tell you two? No fights to the death until you get to New Orleans. I will not see a perfectly good HarBowl get spoiled because the two of you jumped the gun. So help me, you ruin my chance to market this, I’ll kill the both of you.

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