Aaron Berry Begins The Player War On Bloggers

07.23.12 5 years ago 17 Comments

Lions corner Aaron Berry was arrested for the second time in the span of a month. His first recent arrest was a fairly routine off-season DUI, the kind of low-level athlete misbehavior that frequently escapes notice unless it’s done by a notable player or there’s an extraordinary circumstance of entertaining black-out drunkenness.

This time, something far more insidious was at play. On Saturday, Berry was arrested in Harrisburg, Pa. for pointing a firearm at three people. Sure, this sounds comparable to recent police blotter headlines, such as the one involving Elvis Dumervil. That is, until it was discovered that one of the three people he trained a gun on is A DOLPHINS BLOGGER. Yes, I’m afraid there’s no going back now – the players have declared war on bloggers.

For too long, the uneasy relationship – part-antagonistic, part-adulatory – between NFL players and the blogosphere was a tinderbox just waiting to explode. And explode it has. With this incident, it is clear now that the players will stop at nothing to eliminate the intrepid online writers who tease them on Twitter and Photoshop them in embarrassing poses. Threats of gun violence was just the first step. Here follows the malevolence yet to come in the athlete campaign of blogger cleansing.

— No longer endorse Totino’s pizza rolls so they go out of business

— Impregnate Kate Upton

— Make friends with one blogger so all the other bloggers get really petty and turn against him, thus revealing their childish nature

— Start their own blogs, but this time make them better than when they did that with Yardbarker

— Make a cliche “parents’ basement” joke, forcing bloggers to alienate their readers by spending a month pointlessly and shrilly justifying their existence

— No longer say stupid things on Twitter, so there’s nothing to write about

— Pump money into the moribund world of print media. Regret it immediately

— Pool their money together and purchase the Internet. Don’t worry, Mark Brunell ran the numbers and they’re solid.

— Shout “YEAH!” in unison every time Aaron Sorkin blames all the nation’s problems on the Internet

— Beat up all the bloggers since they’re physically superior and stuff

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