Always Be Covering: A Candid Interview With Santonio Holmes

01.30.09 9 years ago 49 Comments

Tracy Jordan is betting his entire shirt on whichever team I pick.

Welcome to an exciting Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s most guaranteed gambling advice column insomuch as we guarantee that it provides gambling advice. Before we get to the big pick we have a special treat, an actual no-holds-barred (except the cross-face chicken wing) interview with Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Continue after the jump for all the fun.

KSK: Hey Santonio, thanks for taking the time to chat with us.

SH: Oh that’s cool, I’m a big fan.

KSK: Of us?

SH: Yeah, I like that Hines Ward chinaman speak and the retarded Ben character. That shit’s funny.

KSK: Oh, cool. Thanks for reading.

SH: Ain’t shit.

KSK: So Santonio, on media day you admitted to selling drugs in your younger days. Why did you do that?

SH: Well I want to be an example to the kids out there, and they gotta know the truth. That’s why I decided to just be up front and truthful about all I’ve been through over the years. Plus I had to get my hands on these sick Penny II’s. You know, I think it’s something a lot of people can relate to.

KSK: Shit, how do you think I bought these Air Max 95’s back in college?

SH: Nice.

KSK: Speaking of shoes, you see that new Quagmire Dunk?

SH: Giggity!

KSK: You said it. So what made you stop dealing?

SH: I only stopped when I went to THE Ohio State University, cause I was gettin’ paid that Buckeye money. I started back up before the draft though, you know, just for shits. Why, you need a dime?

KSK: I’m straight, but you might want to talk to my man Ape. He’s been awfully high strung.

SH: Word.

KSK: Speaking of weed, you got pulled over with a little bit of the God’s gift in your car, any regrets there?

SH: Nope, I was just thrilled that the cop never found the kilo of heroin hidden in the spare tire.

KSK: Wow, you really are committed to this whole honesty thing.

SH: Damn straight.

KSK: Of course that wasn’t the only time you ran into legal trouble.

SH: Hell no.

KSK: Back in July of ’06 you were in court on charges of domestic violence against the mother of your child. Now the charges were later dropped, but would you care to tell your side of the story.

SH: Oh I smacked her around a bit.

KSK: You did?

SH: Yep.

KSK: Bold admission.

SH: You know, it’s what I do.

KSK: Hit women or tell the truth?

SH: Oh I mean tell the truth, I haven’t laid a malicious hand on a woman since then.

KSK: Well that’s good.

SH: Wait, do hookers count as women?

KSK: Nah.

SH: Cool, thought so.

KSK: So tell me how you felt when a fully nude picture of you surfaced on the internet for the world to see.

SH: Oh man, that shit was funny. To be entirely truthful that wasn’t really all me.

KSK: Are you saying that the image was digitally enhanced.

SH: Oh hell yeah, that thing was photoshopped to within an inch of its life.

KSK: So in reality you’re…

SH: Tiny.

KSK: Tiny?

SH: Tiny.

KSK: Care to elaborate on th-

SH: Two inches.

KSK: Flaccid?

SH: Nope.

KSK: Wow. Did not see that coming.

SH: That’s what she said.



KSK: So tell us how you like to pump yourself up before a big game. Do you watch a movie like 300 or listen to some upbeat music?

SH: Oh you know it. I mean, I’m not into the heavy action stuff, but when I wake up Sunday morning I’ll watch my favorite scenes from The Notebook.

KSK: Huh.

SH: And when it comes to music it’s gotta be the Jonas Brothers. Those guys are my secret weapon.

KSK: You’re quite the rare breed.

SH: You know this.

KSK: So Santonio, before we let you go we have to get your official Super Bowl pick.

SH: Oh man. I mean, I’d love to pick us of course, but in all honesty I’m not sure we can compete with the Cardinals.

KSK: Wow.

SH: Hey, it’s nothing against us, I just think they’re the better team right now, especially because Ben’s ribs are all broken?


SH: Yep, NFL wants to cover that shit up, but that’s the truth, man.

KSK: Score?

SH: 35-12. MVP is Adrian Wilson. Man, he’s gonna kick my sorry ass.

KSK: Thanks for taking the time to join us, Santonio, good luck on Sunday.

SH: I’m gonna need it.

And now, ON TO THE PICK!

Pittsburgh -7 vs. Arizona

Sadly I don’t see things working out quite the way Santonio does. Arizona has become a more popular pick over the past week* (probably because the experts have been playing them up because it gives them something to blather on about while not begging strippers for a quick blow job), but I’m not buying that shit for a minute. The Steelers were my pick when the playoffs started, and they’ve looked plenty capable in their previous two playoff games, covering in each. I like Pittsburgh by two scores.

*RJ Bell of is reporting that 55% of the betting populace is siding with Arizona.

Santonio image via Behind the Steel Curtain

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