Bachelor Party Etiquette, Cat Scratch Fever, and People Who Have Sex In Glass Houses Have Really Big Stones: The KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag Returns

07.09.09 8 years ago 94 Comments

Welcome back to the sex bag, everybody.  After a week off and with fantasy drafts getting nearer, we were flooded with emails.  Some late admissions missed the cut, but we’ll try to get to them next week.  Right now we’ve got more pressing problems, like how to coordinate a fantasy draft with a bachelor party, where to find a woman who can make you bleed during sex, how to make friends with benefits happen in three easy steps, and what to do when your girlfriend tries to F you in full view of her family.

Also discussed: the top running backs in the coming fantasy draft, IDP, and priorities by position.  Man, you can feel football season getting nearer in these questions.   Let’s pass some time together and get the opening kick-off closer, after the jump.

Sex first of course: So I am kind of an odd fuck in bed. I love getting scratched…. a lot. Yes, I love women who scratch and claw my back until a little blood is drawn. The problem is that I have a hard time suggesting to women without them running in terror while the lucky ladies who love to do that to me are too crazy for my own good. Is there a subtle way for me to suggest to a sane woman to put those nails to get use? Is it better to ask before sex or in the heat of the moment?

Have you tried fucking cats?  That could work.

When it comes to drawing blood during sex, you may want to ease your partner into the situation.  Something as simple as “Yeah, scratch me!” in the throes of passion might be all she needs to hear.  Or there’s always the in-bed discussion of “What do you like?” that helps move any sexual relationship forward.  Hell, you can start the conversation by asking her what she likes and use that to bring up that you want her to shred your epidermis.  Look at you!  You’re so sensitive and considerate!

Fantasy football: What is more important to think about when drafting for depth in a standard scoring QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, TE, K, DEF league: the 3rd RB or 4th WR? I am thinking the 4th WR because you will need him a lot more often.
-Maine man with indoor plumbing

Nope.  You’re not getting production from a position; you’re getting production from players.  Take the best available at either position.  (Although obviously if you draft a weak 1-2 RB combo, then you’ll want to prioritize a 3rd RB, and vice versa with WRs.)

Dear Herpes Sherpas,
In preparation for my wedding this fall, I’m having a bachelor party next month in Montreal with a few dozen fellow degenerates.

Stop.  A few DOZEN?  “A few” is a good amount for a bachelor party; a dozen is probably a couple too many but manageable.  A few dozen… wow.  Good luck with the logistics.

Not only is Montreal home to the most international of coffees, it’s known for having some of the best strip clubs in the world.  My problem is that, in the past, my friends have mocked me ruthlessly for my choice in strippers. On a Vegas trip with these guys a couple years ago, I spent a few hours in the back room with a lovely lady who treated me right. I thought she was smokingly hot, but my friends insisted looked a lot like a cross between Ann Coulter (without the penis, with the Adam’s Apple) and Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. When my friends and my little friend disagree, who should I side with? Should I give a shit about what my friends think? Or should I ignore their mockery and just enjoy it as these Amazons rub their sweet man-hands all over me?

Waaaaaaait a second.  A-Rod, is that you?

Strippers are a matter of preference.  Listen to your penis.  And if your friends give you shit, tell them they should be thanking you for getting one of the ugly ones out of the way, leaving more hot ones for them.

As for football — everyone’s talking about the possible return of Brett Favre, but no one’s paying attention to the original Comeback Kid, Doug Flutie. Does that feisty little Hobbit have a shot with the Vikings too?

No, but if he could drop-kick Favre in the junk, we’d all appreciate it.

To the bishops of bukkake,
Football: My friends and I are doing a live fantasy football draft the same day as our buddy’s bachelor party who is also in the league, how can we make fantasy football draft awesome?

Sex: The day of my buddy’s bachelor party we are also doing a live in person fantasy football draft, what can we do for the bachelor party to follow up an already kickass day?

We got this pair of questions worded differently from two different people; I’m going with this one because his email was shorter.  But the other guy was all psyched to bring strippers and have tits on display at the fantasy draft.  Let me be explicit here: DON’T HAVE STRIPPERS AT YOUR FUCKING FANTASY DRAFT.  It’s a fantasy draft, for fuck’s sake.  Do you enjoy getting laughed at by women?  Do you like it when one of the guys in the league is distracted and takes forever to make a pick?

Also, while I enjoy the noble profession of stripping and the wares on display, I want to suggest an alternative to having a wild “last night of freedom” filled with boobs and lap dances and sluts in loud clubs.  I’ve now gone to a couple bachelor parties where the groom, rather than getting group lap dances and dangerously shitfaced, instead focused on spending time with his friends.  Jackasses will gleefully dismiss this as gay, but a guys’ night out that includes a big steak dinner, some whiskey, and a poker tournament in a big-ass hotel suite will lead to better memories and a more lasting appreciation of your friendship.  And it’s more respectful to the bride to boot.

Dear Dick-Joke Santa Clauses,
Sex: I started last year. We clearly were into each other but both busy with school and two jobs each. We talked constantly throughout the day via texting, but rarely got a chance to hang out. In other words, we got to know each other before we got to KNOW each other, in the biblical sense (See what I did there?).

Yes.  You’re very clever.

Anyway, so she turns out to be a closet freak and tells me about how her and her ex had occasional threesomes, she’s down for the backdoor and she has an army of toys she uses on herself nightly. Of course I assumed this would translate to crazy cool sex when that finally happened. WRONG. We’ve been doing the nasty for about 2 months now and I’ve never had more boring sex in my life. She’s easily the hottest girl I’ve ever been with, so I try not to complain. But shit, how do I unchain the beast?

Wow, you must be terrible in bed.

No, no, I kid.  Maybe.  For you, sir, I recommend something that’s been trumpeted in just about about every mailbag ever: open and honest communication.  Tell her you’re concerned about her being satisfied, ask her what she likes, bring up the subject of the sex toys and offer to help her use them, etc.

Football: Who is the third-best RB behind Purple Jesus and Michael “Missle Silos for Legs” Turner? Is DeAngelo Williams gunna keep it up from last year? Also, if A-Rodge has another year as good as last season, I demand he gets a better Kharacter. How do you improve on Goth Aaron Rodgers? I don’t know. That’s your job. Make it happen.
Proponent of Cheese Fellatio (Get it? Cheese Head! HA!)

DeAngelo Williams is a mystery to me.  He could very well have another outstanding year, but… I don’t know.  He’s burned fantasy owners before; he can burn them again.  Some people will say MJD or Steven Jackson, but I’m high on Matt Forte.  With 1200 yards and 60+ receptions last season, his only weakness was a relatively low TD total for his yardage (8 rushing, 4 receiving).  Some people say his touches will go down with Cutler airing it out; I say the run game will have a better chance to succeed, and he’ll get more opportunities near the goal line.

As for content at KSK, we accept polite suggestions.  We ignore demands.  Fuck you, fuck Aaron Rodgers, and fuck your parenthetical explanations.  And also, thank you for your email.

Conquistadores del putang,
Football first, for football is life. I am a first time Fantasy Football player playing in a 10 man league. I’m not one of those noobs who doesn’t understand how the whole things work, in fact, I think I have a pretty strong grasp on it. Problem is, I’m a die hard Bears fan, and everyone keeps taunting me with the whole “Refrain from picking Cutler first!” deal. I’m not retarded, I know he would be a decent mid round pick at best… Thing is though, I’m really set on making Forte my first round pick. I’m a firm believer that he should get the same amount of yards, if not even more on less carries due to the fact that he should face a lot fewer 8-man (and, as i saw last year, occasional 9 -man) fronts. On top of his running ability, he scores points as a WR too. Some say he was just used as a dump-off man for Orton when he couldn’t connect to someone else, and that will be gone, BUT, I think they will now actually run plays designed for him to catch the ball, thus, his receiving production not going down at all. So, should I stick with my instinct and face the taunts of “Bear fan can’t live without his precious Bears” and laugh as he gets more points than AP?

As discussed, there’s no shame in making Forte a first-round pick.  You’d have to have some seriously homeristic cojones to take him first overall, but he’ll be selected in the top five or six in any league worth its salt.

Now for the banging. I’ve been seeing this girl now for just over a year, and everything is great, and all. We started seeing each other in high school, and now happen to be going to the same university. I have nothing wrong with her, she is, as i stated earlier, amazing in every way. Recently though, a small problem has creeped up. Her slightly younger, but far more attractive sister (If you are one to rank women, solid 9, potential 10, I’m talking REALY FUCKING SEXY) who has always stayed out of our way and ignored us, has started flirting with me…a lot. As it is, I’m 18, with a great girl, but, am tormented with having to look at her sister, and wishing my girl had tits and an ass like that. What the fuck should I do? I can’t leave her for her sister, the sister is actually realy annoying, but, as previously stated, mind-blowingly hot, but, I can’t just sit around with this going on.


flubby: boo fucking hoo

PUNTE: Seriously. I’d drown my mother in a bathtub for this asshole’s problems.

Me: “Wah wah wah, the hot teenage ass I get is so saggy compared to her younger sister’s hot teenage ass.”  In retrospect, this was not the best question to ask a group of men who are largely in their thirties and married.

Sup harbingers of death and football and sexy friday,
I’ve had my eye on one of my closest lady friends for several months, and we’ve always said that we would of at least had a fling or something if she were in college and didn’t have to worry about her parents. See, now we’re going to college, but she’s going to somewhere fancy on the other side of the state and I’m going to a rather average university closer to home. Now, I know I could hit that if I wanted to, but I’ve always held out for something a little bit closer to a real relationship. Seeing as how that’s going to be impossible, should I pursue this sexy time in the coming month or keep in contact and wait for another opportunity to pursue her both romantically and sexually a few years down the line?

Oh, college students.  The naivete would be cute if it hadn’t been us at that age. It really doesn’t matter, son. If you’re meant to be together, you can have sex now and still cultivate a real “relationship” after college. Go sow some oats.

For handegg, which Iggles WR would you rather have in fantasy, Kevin Curtis or DeSean Jackson? Jackson could either improve on his impressive rookie season or slump, while Kevin Curtis could either be a hobbled, useless, white guy or a bonafide Wes Welker, given the increased attention Action Jackson will draw.

Oh, tough one.  I tend to be wary of the sophomore slump (even with Matt Forte), and Curtis can turn in some great numbers.  But I think your question is fundamentally flawed: in a draft, how often do you have to choose between two players on the same team at the same position?  If you’re an Eagles fan who just HAS to draft an Eagles player with this next pick, then you’re a fool.  Take the best available for your needs.  Odds are you’ll never have to choose between these two.

So I’ve been dating this girl for about 9 months and it’s going great. She’s funny, very well educated, has a great job and I’m pretty sure she’s the one. [She’s] the youngest of four with three older brothers, I was going to be the first guy she brought home to Mom and Dad. One problem, the family resides in Florida and we’re farther north, so we all decide to take a vacation together. Upon getting to vacation, they graciously led us to where we would be sleeping: the sun room. One problem: sun rooms are made of glass and you can see every goddamn thing that happens.


But we’re both 27 and can make good, rational decisions. However, after dinner and drinks I’m attacked by my girlfriend in the bedroom that night. She’s on top and not giving up. Although [this is] normally awesome and encouraged there’s one problem: I can see her F*CKING PARENTS AND BROTHERS in the other room while we do it. All it would take is any member of her family to do more than glance in the sunroom or want some fresh air and they’d see me, the newbie, balls deep in their little sister/beloved daughter/symbol of everything good and innocent in this world.

Yes!  That makes it hotter!

She tries to calm me down by saying: “They really like you and they’d want us to have sex”.

Awesomest. Girl. Ever.

I’m sure they like me. And I’m sure they assume that we’ve had sex at some point. But this has to be the stupidest f*cking thing uttered by anyone, ever. Which leads me to my question: Fathers, if you allow your daughter and boyfriend to sleep in the same bed, are you subliminally insinuating that you expect them to have sex? I’m no father, but I’m pretty sure I’d have “Never see my daughter have sex” at the top of my priority list.

So then I finished and faked being asleep.

-Sad but True

Pssshhhh, so they didn’t even see you ballin’ her?   Then what’s the problem?  Sure, I understand that the situation was terrifying for you, and your girlfriend was being reckless with your potentially fragile standing with her family.  On the other hand, RECKLESSNESS IS SEXY.  Enjoy the fact that you’ve got a great girlfriend who wants sex with you no matter what.  Then take her to your parents’ place and make her give you a handjob at the dinner table.

Dear Assplay Aficionados,
Sex- I have been with my girlfriend for over two years, her and her son (age 6) both moved into my house about a year and a half ago.

I apologize for doing this, but: “SHE and her son…” Can’t have you teaching your potentially adopted son incorrect grammar.

We’re in our upper twenties, so we’re not elderly yet, but we don’t live a very Pacman-esque life either. Basically, I feel like I’m an old married dude with a Ketel One habit. She’s a great girl, no more of a pain in the ass than any other chick, and I get pooper whenever I want. I sorta miss the skirt chasing, partying, do-whatever-I-want life that I led before though. Ultimately, what I have right now is the goal, I just didn’t think that it would come this early. So tell me; is 27 to soon to be tied down, break it off, and start plowing through all the trim I can without getting McNair’d? Or do I quit whining about having a decent, albeit mundane relationship? Some of you guys are hitched, is it worth it?

Well, 27 is certainly NOT too young to be married.  My parents got hitched at 22 and 19 and are still in love with each other (weirdos).  And most married men will tell you that the love and stability you get in marriage is preferable to being out chasing tail and being frustrated by not finding someone who’s cool and not crazy.  However, the key is finding a person who makes you happy, someone you want to be with for the rest of your life.  Most people in relationships headed in that  direction don’t call it “decent” and “mundane.”

So do what you have to do, but don’t romanticize the notion of partying and skirt-chasing just because you’re in a relationship.  There’s really nothing wrong with being an old married dude with a Ketel One habit, as long as that’s what you find fulfilling.

Football- I’m starting a dynasty league this year. I have never played in IDP leagues or PPR, and this will be both. Standard scoring for offense. Defense will have a DL (line or linebacker), DB, and a IDP Flex spot. 2pt sacks, int’s, fumble recovery. 1 point for forced fumble, pass defended, every 3 tackles. 4 points for the IDP touchdown, no return yards. What round should I think about starting to draft IDPs? And with the PPR aspect, who would the top 3 picks be? People keep telling me MJD would be better than Purp Jeezy. I tell them to drink antifreeze.
Get Off My Lawn

PUNTE: PJ will be No. 1, hands down. As far as IDPs, I like to grab one guy in the first five rounds and then round out my starting lineup when the offense is picked, but I think a DRC-type player would be worth a 3rd rd pick or even a 2nd.  I haven’t done the math on IDPs in a couple years, but DBs will be valuable in that format and they’re super-scarce to begin with.

Dear purveyors of poon,

SEX: I’m a 20 year-old engineering student at a university with a 3:1 male-to-female ratio, so I basically have no chance of getting laid more than two or three times during the school year, by sheer force of numbers. I also have no chance of getting laid during the summer, because I’m not that good looking, and I don’t know many available women.

Sounds awesome.

To solve this problem, I went to one of my female friends and offered a “friends with benefits” situation. She’s just a few months out of a 3 year relationship, and has made clear that she’d love to get laid with no strings attached. She turned me down; nicely if it makes a difference.

Wait, you approached her with the offer?  Why not just go straight to her father and see how many head of cattle is in her dowry?  What an awkward thing to propose.  What are you, some kind of engineering student who’s never around any wom– Oh.

For the record, the way to get into a FWB situation is a simple three-step process with very little variation: (1) Get drunk together.  (2) Hook up.  (3) “I’m really not looking for anything serious right now, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

My question is, am I justified in just dropping her friendship like a bad habit now I know she won’t fuck me? I have plenty of friends, so I’m in the market for something else. Of everyone I know, she’s the most needy and demanding. If I didn’t do anything about it, she would literally instant message with me every available moment, and when we do talk or hang out, I have to carry the conversation. It’s basically like we’re dating, except she’s interchangeable with a fire hydrant for all intents and purposes. Is it wrong to cut off this emotional leech if I’m not getting anything out of it, mainly vagina?

Friends who are needy, demanding emotional leeches aren’t worth your time — be they male or female.

FOOTBALL: I was born and grew up in Drew’s favorite state, New Hampshire (Prep schools, flannel shirts, and strip malls, oh joy). This makes me, by default, a Pats fan. I have followed them since I was conscious enough to know I love football (the Drew Bledsoe era was AMAZING), and I’m a veritable force of football knowledge and know-how, but my problem is that everyone lumps me in with the fans who think that TAHMMY BRADY IS THA LAWHD AND SAY-VIUH, AND TEDY BRUSCHI IS HIS AAAHK-ANGEL. What can I do to keep from being a joke and/or laughingstock anywhere I go?

Anyone who cheers for the team closest to their childhood home needn’t apologize for liking that team.  Take pride in your Pats fandom, and be an ambassador of Pats fans wherever you go.  If you handle yourself with dignity and are anything resembling a decent, intelligent human being, people will be pleasantly surprised.  It’s good to break down stereotypes.

/puts on pants

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