Better Know A Draft Pick: That Prick Who Took Kluwe’s Job

05.08.13 4 years ago 25 Comments

Who is this person, and what has he done with our beloved Chris Kluwe?

The draft has come and gone, but there are still plenty of under the radar picks we could know a bit better. After all, most of us didn’t bother sitting through three horrible days of the NFL Draft.

Name: Jeff Locke

Position: Punter and kickoff specialist

Selected by: Minnesota Vikings


Pick: 155th (5th round)

School: UCLA

Outspoken proponent on social issues?: I said UCLA, not Cal. (oh yeah, Kluwe went to UCLA too didn’t he?)

Secret that the Vikings don’t know about yet: He likes dogs*, and it’s a slippery slope from belly rubs to bestiality.

Major: Economics

Hobby: Video games

Which is only mentioned because: It stings Kluwe that much deeper.

Twitter: @JeffLocke18

Notable highlight real feature: He can’t kick the ball without injuring himself.

Which, by kicker/punter standards, makes him: TOUGH AS NAILS, BRO.

Strength: Making footballs go boom

Weakness: Off-field blogworthiness

Loved by: Michele Bachmann

Hated by: Michele Bachmann when she finds out he kicks with his left foot (aka the satanic foot)

What scouts are saying: He punts. He kicks. He punts and kicks and punts. Punt punt punt, kick kick kick, The Punty and Kicky Show! (scouts don’t really scout punters, right?)

Immediate impact: Punts the ball about as well as Chris Kluwe, but without all of the independent thoughts. Much ballyhooed kickoff ability becomes moot when the Vikings remember they already have a kicker who is both really effective, and doesn’t spend his evenings responding to fans of the team who call him a f*g lover on Twitter.

Down the road: Fails to make the cover of Out Magazine

*I don’t know for a fact that he likes dogs, but he his silence on the topic has said volumes. What are you hiding, Mr. Locke?

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