The Inevitable Return of Schottenheimer Pt. 1

11.06.07 10 years ago 18 Comments

Yesterday I was watching the SportsCenter’s NFL highlights for the seventh time when I came to a realization, this league is filled with incompetence. You may remember that last year it was the quarterback play that left me feeling appalled. This year I’ve set my sights on those other lightning rods of criticism, the head coaches. And why the fuck shouldn’t I? The NFL is the single greatest sports league in the galaxy yet we’re unable to produce 32 people with the ability to not cripple a franchise.

Seeing as how every team has gotten to the halfway point in the season it seems like a good time to evaluate the 32 NFL coaches, division by division. There will be no wine involved.

AFC East

Bill Belichick (NE)- He’s safe…for now.
Dick Jauron (Buf)- So that’s who they’re their coach is! For another year at least.
Eric Mangini (NYJ)- His fat ass could better serve the franchise if he were buried in the foundation of the new stadium.
Cam Cameron (Mia)- Poor fucker.

AFC North

Mike Tomlin (Pit)- He’ll be there for the next fifteen years.
Romeo Crennel (Cle)- He didn’t get fired last year? Good for him. Looks like somebody’s getting an extension!
Brian Billick (Bal)- If this pompous shit-eater still has a job next year the city of Baltimore will be torn asunder by riotous mobs–nobody will notice.
Marvin Lewis (Cin)- From the worst offensive coach to the worst defensive coach, this division is stellar! The only way that Mike Brown will eat his contract is if Chris Henry digs up and rapes the corpse of Paul Brown. So it’s 50/50.

AFC South

Tony Dungy (Ind)- Put it this way, if they fire God’s coach then it’s an automatic seven years of bad luck. But if Jim Irsay comes out of the closet all bets are off.
Jeff Fisher (Ten)- When he dies they’re going to prop his rotting corpse up against the first down marker.
Jack of the River (Jax)- They would fire him, but he’s just so damn intimidating!
Gary Kubiak (Hou)- If he keeps moving along at this 10-15 pace the Texans will erect a thirty foot golden statue in his honor.

AFC West *Award Winner for Worst Coaches in the NFL

Herm Edwards (KC)- The team has a record of 4-4 making Herm’s career record 52-52. In today’s NFL you really can’t put a price on that kind of sustained mediocrity.
Norv Turner (SD)- Hahaha! I’m not laughing because they’re going to fire him, I’m laughing because somebody else is going to give him a job. People are fucking stupid.
Mike Shanahan (DEN)- If somebody can provide a rational argument against taking Shanny out back and shooting him in the base of the skull then I’d love to hear it.
Lane Kiffin (Oak)- Al Davis has enough energy to fire Kiffin or to poop, and man, he really needs to poop.

AFC Europe
Coming September 2012!

Check back this week for Part II: The NFC!

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