Monday Morning Queer Bait: Why You Should Love The Eagles And My Poor ‘Friend’ In The Hospital

05.04.09 8 years ago 47 Comments

Thanks, Uff, for the banner image. 

I guess this is the paragraph where we tell you what you already know, and that is this: Peter King is out of touch. Part of that is because of his insulated position as a pro football columnist. I’ve never seen anyone so eager to pat himself on the back for performing the most mundane observations or tasks. He rails on about minutae endlessly and has very suspicious hair. But you’d think with Drew sitting on the bench today that we’d give King some sort of respite. Not so.  

I wonder what’s on King’s mind this week


First, a Brett Favre prelude. A semi-brief Favre prelude.   


Really? But you’ve had so little to say about Favre over the course of his career.  


There’s no good reason to ask for his release from the Jets unless it’s to leave open the option to play again. I am told he may be feeling the urge to play again.


“Told” = Hinted at in a 2 AM text message from Favre after King sent a barrage of WILL YOU OR WON’T YOU emails, texts, and capped it by shipping Favre a Will.I.Am CD, which King mailed off only because he couldn’t find it on cassette.


This year? I don’t know if he’ll try to sign with Minnesota — and I don’t know if the Vikings would welcome him with open arms after dealing for Sage Rosenfels and moving ahead with plans for 2009. Does Brad Childress want to hitch his wagon to a quarterback who will turn 40 in Week 4 of the 2009 season, a quarterback who played poorly in the last five weeks of last season, looking completely shot at the end?


No. Childress wants to put his job on the line for a black kid from Alabama State that doesn’t read the playbook and would be playing strong safety on any other team in the league.


Childress said the other day the Vikings haven’t discussed the possibility of signing Favre as a free-agent. “It doesn’t mean we won’t,” he said. Favre said at this time he’s not considering playing again. What does that sound like to you? 


Sounds like there’s a bit of smoke there.


Sounds like there’s quite a bit of smoke there.


I just said that. 


I know you’re sick of this story. We all are. 


But my gut feeling is Favre never completely got this Vikings fixation out of his system. Now we wait for the smoke signals from chimneys in Eden Prairie, Minn., and southern Mississippi, to see if Favre wants to play again, and to see if the Vikings want him. If he returns, the dream game of this season won’t be Pats-Colts. It’ll be Vikings-Packers. Twice.


That’s a dream for Peter. A WET dream. Hehe, wet. Let’s move on…


What would you think if I told you the Philadelphia Eagles got third-, fifth-, sixth- and seventh-round draft choices, plus half a starting cornerback for nothing in this year’s draft?

That’s right. For free. 


They also got a tube of Mighty Putty, a bucket of Oxy Clean, and collectively grew beards that appear to be lacquered onto their faces.


There are no smoke, mirrors or cheating involved. Only thought and effort.


Thought and effort? That explains why were getting this story from King–over a week late.


For moving down six spots in the third round — eventually taking a player they were considering for that 85th pick anyway — the Eagles got filthy rich. I am shocked more teams don’t run their draft the way the Eagles do. It s almost irresponsible that teams don’t do it the Philadelphia way.


And now that you’ve totally blown their cover, whatever system they’ve employed is probably useless now!


“Actually, I’m happy more teams don’t,” said Tom Heckert, the Eagles general manager. “If more teams did, we wouldn’t be able to do what we do.”


I suppose Mr. Heckert and the Eagles have the market cornered on playoff ineptitude as well?


This may come out the wrong way, so bear with me. But if I were a football fan looking for a team to root for, I’d pick the Eagles, and what they did on draft weekend is a big reason. The Eagles think. They don’t do things the way they’ve always been done because that’s the way they’ve always been done. For all the frustrations they’ve given their fans because they haven’t won a championship in the 10-year Andy Reid Era, they’ve done what, as a fan, I’d like my team to do: They give their fans a chance every July at camp time to think they’re going to make the playoffs and have a chance to contend for the Super Bowl. Isn’t that what you want, as a fan? 


That and a shit-eating replica jersey.


[W]hat the Eagles did on the second day of the draft — still unnoticed eight days later; no one’s said a word about it — is one of the greatest feats of trading down and getting value for the future that I’ve ever seen. And I mean ever.


Just tell us what the fuck they did, already!



What Heckert and Reid did, in brief:


Oh, this won’t be semi-brief? Semi brief meaning, apparently, one page?


• Traded the 85th overall pick (third round) to the Giants for the 91st (third-round) and the 164th (fifth-round) picks.


• Traded the 91st pick to Seattle for the 137th (fifth-round), 213th (seventh-round) and the Seahawks’ third-round pick in 2010.


• Traded the fifth-round pick acquired from Seattle plus the 141st pick (fifth-round, acquired from Clevel–


You know what? Forget I asked. Take any big dumps lately?


Stat of the Week: In the past 13 years, nine of the first 13 overall No. 1 picks in the draft were quarterbacks. In the 13 years prior to that, nine of the first 13 overall No. 1 picks were non-quarterbacks.  




Just kidding. Who gives a shit?


Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me: Did you know Hank Stram, on the hottest days of Kansas City training camp, used to wear a doubleknit, basketball-type, sleeveless, red-and-gold Chiefs tank top with matching basketball shorts, both with a snazzy Chiefs logo?   


Of course I knew that. I thought everybody knew that.


The Chiefs are in the process of inventing a Hall of Fame for the grand reopening of a refurbished Arrowhead Stadium in 2010…


Because they’ve done so well for themselves! Seriously, how many shelves does a team need for one Lombardi trophy and the chilled corpse of Derrick Thomas?


…and the incredibly bizarre Hank costume will be included in the exhibit. I tried to figure out what it reminds me of when I saw it on my recent draft trip to Kansas City, and the only thing I could come up with is: early ABA uniform.


So an old basketball uniform reminded you of an old basketball uniform? No wonder your hair is so curly–it’s from all those sprained ligaments in your brain.


Well, the Paul Zimmerman dinner/auction is two weeks from tonight…


You’re auctioning off his dinner?! I know he can’t eat after the stroke, but that’s just sick, man!


The big-ticket auction items — the Super Bowl trip for two, and trips to see the Cowboys, Vikings and Broncos — are not moving. I’m aware that it’s a lot in this economy to ask someone to pay $9,000 for anything, never mind a weekend in Dallas to see the Cowboys at their spanking new stadium.


Oh, you want nine grand from me? In this economy? No problem! After all, I just uprooted my wife and moved to Boston, and then bragged about it to the world. NO WAIT, THAT WAS YOU!


Or $10,000 to have a Super Bowl getaway to Miami in February.


Not that it would stop you from asking…dickbag. Hey, I know this homeless guy downtown. Wanna douse him with Sterno fluid and flick shards of flint at his face?


Or $6,000 to jet away to Denver or Minneapolis to see your team.


The Bengals are playing in Denver this season? That’s news to me.


But what I’d like you to do, if you can and if you know someone who might be interested, is to pass this chunk of the column along to them via e-mail. A boss, a rich uncle…


A rich uncle! EVERYONE has one of those! Yes, it was MY father that was the financial failure in my grandparents’ family! Excuse me, uncle Moneybags? I know you’re getting killed in the market right now, but this nappy-headed columnist really, really wants you to see this…




…an Arab shiek…


Oh, Christ. Suppose I had a cozy relationship with…Oh, I don’t know…a 39-year-old future Hall of Fame quarterback who was set for life financially and had AN ANNOYING PREDILECTION FOR GETTING HIMSELF IN THE NEWS ANY GODDAMN CHANCE HE RECEIVED? Is that what you’re looking for, Pete? Would that be a solid candidate for your goddamned little bake sale?


The other day, I was on the phone with Indianapolis GM Bill Polian, who asked, “What can I do for Dr. Z?” He was thinking of something autographed, or some football item. And I said, “What if you have a couple of fans out to your camp one day this summer, and between sessions, you have lunch with them at the training table, where the players eat?” 


“Done,” said Polian. Because I make an annual trek to Colts camp, I’ll join the lunch if at all possible — providing that doesn’t devalue the experience.




And thanks to Sal Paolantonio, Dan Shaughnessy and Steve Buckley for donating signed copies of their books to the cause.


It was the least they could do. No, seriously. Why didn’t THOSE COCKSUCKERS do more? I’m supposed to find you a check for ten grand, but Sal Braggadoccio gets off the hook WITH A SIGNED COPY OF HIS BOOK!? Baloney! I call baloney at you, sir! With great umbrage!


If you’ve not read about the cause, this is all for Paul Zimmerman, the best football writer of our time, who suffered three strokes in late November and is currently unable to read, write or speak coherently, though he is making good progress. 


That’s not what he told me? In fact, just the other day he said “Asaagaagg  akakoaaa goooodoppp pgffffftttt!!” And he was sincere!


Giants coach Tom Coughlin and Jets coach Rex Ryan have been generous enough with their time to join me to host a fundraising Pro Football 2009 preview dinner/roundtable/auction May 18 (open bar 6:15 p.m., dinner 7 p.m.).


You can get fucked and your dinner can get fucked. Your dinner/roundtable/auction sounds like a pudwanking/no-good/waste of ti…Wait a second, did you say “open bar?”






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