NFL Tells People With Broken Legs To Rub Some Dirt On It, Crutches Presumably Not Allowed At Super Bowl

01.16.14 4 years ago 34 Comments



Greetings, NFL fans, and allow me to officially welcome you wonderful patrons who have decided to become a part of the greatest event in sports by purchasing tickets to the 2014 Super Bowl.  It’s already shaping up to be an exciting event, and our sponsors and partners are looking forward to seeing you there!

First off, allow me to go over some ground rules, just to ensure that every patron has the ability to fully enjoy Super Bowl 48.  Above, you will see a partial list of banned items that will be confiscated at ticketing gates.  You will notice that umbrellas are included on this list.  After rigorous scientific testing, we have determined that even though precipitation is possible at the game, regulation umbrellas will block the view of fans and lead to a sub-par viewing experience.  We recommend patrons buy an official NFL FanBrella, available for $39.99 at one of our many souvenir kiosks across MetLife stadium.  FanBrellas are available in multiple designer colors, and although they are opaque and will still block the view of fans with seats closer to the back, those fans will be able to enjoy looking at the official logos of Super Bowl 48 and its sponsors.

You may also notice that poles, sticks, and other “missile-like” objects such as canes and crutches will be confiscated at ticketing booths.  We regret the inconvenience for our patrons that may have health problems that require the use of these implements, but due to a request from Pepsi-Cola, the sponsor of our halftime show featuring Bruno Mars and The Red Hot Chili Peppers, we risk losing advertising revenue if shots of the infirm or injured are included in the broadcast, as that may scare the millenials that are just watching the game for the commercials and the halftime show into thinking the NFL is just for old people.  The NFL recommends patrons with injuries purchase officially licensed FanCanes emblazoned with the Super Bowl 48 logo or the logo of the NFL team of the patron’s choosing.  FanCanes are guaranteed to be hip and stylish for ages, and not alienate any 20-something watching the game, and are available for $59.99 at memorabilia stands throughout the stadium.

Finally, you have noticed that no footballs will be allowed to enter the stadium.  Please note that this applies to our equipment staff as well.  Due to the extremely high risk of footballs being thrown onto the field and into unsuspecting bystanders during this football game, Super Bowl 48 will be the first NFL game to be played entirely without the use of a football.  For your convenience and entertainment, officially licensed Super Bowl 48 Mobile TVs will be available for purchase at kiosks around MetLife Stadium for $259.99 so that patrons outside of luxury boxes will be able to watch re-runs of How I Met Your Mother.

Look forward to seeing you in February!

Roger Goodell

Around The Web