Peter King Is Awfully Impressed With Your Sports Coat

08.22.11 6 years ago 82 Comments

Before we get to this week’s dispatch from A+ Pleasantness student Peter King, a quick update. You may remember that, last week, Peter disclosed the wireless network password for the Bears training camp facility. An anonymous reader emailed us after it happened with this handy Bear nugget:

Was at Bears camp for work the other day and wireless password wasn’t working. Bears had to change it after King published it in MMQB. He flooded the system. The pr guy was shaking his head. They said the system was really slow after it.

And it will be even slower after Peter reveals the password AGAIN this week. The new password? You guessed it… MoreFunkhauser69. READ ON.

One reason I love NFL camps and the proximity to the players I cover…

…is because the players are NAKED. Full on naked. With their big horsey cocks hanging out. No wonder Cam Newton looks so confident out there on the field. He’s hung like fucking banyan tree.

I’m standing in the Titans locker room waiting to meet tight end Jared Cook late Thursday afternoon, and the TV is showing an ESPN story on the top 10 sports rivalries, counting down from 10 to 1.

“Wonder what one is,” asked fullback Ahmard Hall.

“Gotta be Red Sox-Yanks,” said returner Yamon Figurs.


Figurs was right. When ESPN showed Pedro Martinez grabbing Don Zimmer by the head and throwing that melon to the ground, the players loved it. Just another fun day in a locker room.

You know what I love about being a football reporter and being in the locker room? When the players stand around and watch a trite ESPN filler piece featuring the same two asshole teams that ESPN always shows. GOTTA LOVE IT.

Tony Dungy has no doubt about Peyton Manning’s Week 1 availability.

Did you know that I know Tony Dungy? Well, I do. He’s so sharp, and so light brown. He’s the Finger Lakes Blend of coaches.

I’ve always thought, as I said on NBC Sunday night, that the Gehrig-ian record of consecutive games played meant more to Manning than the Ruth-ian numbers (touchdowns, yards).

But what of the semi-Ottian numbers? Do they have no place in this discussion?

Cam Newton has to play his way out of the starting job in Carolina.

And with the guy completing a whopping 42% of his passes, I hardly see that being a possibility. Look how much self-esteem he put into that incompletion! I haven’t seen a surer thing since Alex Smith!

Competition Committee chair Rich McKay told me from Los Angeles — he dropped off his son for his freshman year at USC over the weekend, which had to be pretty emotional, considering the family’s ties to the Trojans

Pretty emotional for someone in the middle of something emotional.

— that he doesn’t remember any new rule being rescinded before it had time to take effect for a season. Stop begging for the (new kickoff) rule to die. It may next March. It won’t now.

Yeah, people! Jeez! Stop begging my friends in the league office to change bad rules quickly! GET OFF MY FRIEND RICH’S BACK. He told me to tell you if you don’t stop complaining about it, he’ll make interceptions illegal and shit. Rich also wanted me to tell you that Roger Goodell has been doing even MORE situps lately. Do not test him.

The fantasy football nerds got to Todd Haley a few times last year.

Fucking nerds. If they weren’t so busy with their computers and their fantasy football, they’d be getting laid in the back of a Camaro like the Haley did last night.

“We led the league in rushing,” Haley said, “and all I ever hear is how we don’t run the ball the right way because Jamaal’s not getting it 25 times a game. It’s anti-TEAM…”

I know! What a bunch of selfish assholes, asking you to play your best player more often. That is so not what TEAM is all about.

Haley’s theory is he’s eating the clock and keeping Charles healthy for 16 weeks, and he has zero regrets.

Now, read the above quote one more time before you read this one…

Haley said: “My philosophy is you put your best 11 on the field as often as you can.”

Unless one of those best 11 is Jamaal Charles and you’ve just clearly stated that you will NOT put him on the field as often as you can because you don’t want him to get injured (or because you want to flex your ego by being a prick). Todd Haley BLOWS.

One can see how much (Matt) Cassel gravitates to (Tony) Moeaki. He’s Dallas Clark…”You can make Moeaki whatever,” said Haley. “You can make him Wes Welker if you want.”

Oooh! Oooh! Now make him Dustin Pedroia! There’s no shortage of gritty white athletes that Moeaki can’t turn into for your arousal!

The team had no comment about it, but here’s the story with (Jonathan) Baldwin now: He’s got an 0-and-2 count on him, he just fouled a ball off, and he can’t afford to have another strike against him. Because he’s a first-round pick, he’ll get multiple chances to make it right.

Here’s the story with Jonathan Baldwin, folks. It’s the bottom of the ninth, and he’s down a run, and he’s got two strikes. One more missed swing, and he’s out. Except that he’s a first rounder, so he actually gets seven strikes. And he gets to use an aluminum bat. I’m not very good at analogies.

But if he screws up a couple more times, it could turn into a painfully costly mistake for the Pioli regime.

But if he gets to strike 15, THAT IS IT. Until strike 17. SORT OF.

Josh McDaniels is not chastened.

“Yeah, I’d do it all again. Only I’d cut MORE players.”

(McDaniels needed) a more experienced GM could take some bullets for him and tell him he was making some big mistakes, as when he hired his brother, Ben, out of high school football to coach the quarterbacks. It wasn’t that Ben was a bad coach, but the clear perception in the locker room was that nepotism was at play.

Time to turn on our Peter King Recombobulator 3000 and go back in time to this passage:

I think the reason McDaniels chose his brother to oversee the quarterbacks is simple: Say what you want about having an inexperienced guy coaching the presumptive franchise quarterback day to day, but if the head coach wants his methods to be translated exactly the way he wants, isn’t he going to be more comfortable with a coach who knows those methods better than anyone else in the world except him?

I know! That plan had NO flaws! Nepotism has NO place in Josh’s vocabulary. Just nine losses in six years of those two brothers QBing their high school team means something, god dammit!

When (Jeff) Fisher left, (Mike Munchak) spent 48 hours preparing for the (Titans) interview… Some assistants have nice, glossy presentations prepared when they interview for a job. Munchak had nothing. “I’m not a networker,” he said. “So when it came time for one of the important parts of the interview, identifying which coaches I’d try to hire on my staff, I didn’t really know a lot of them.”

So he doesn’t prepare well and he doesn’t know anyone. HIRE THIS MAN.

/marks Titans down for three wins

“Shocking,” said (GM Mike) Reinfeldt. “He had an answer for everything. And some great ideas. We had no idea that was coming.” Not just the Paterno-spawned ideas either. Sports jackets on road trips. No hats in the building. No headphones while working out; talking and communicating was preferred. No TVs in the trainer’s room; don’t want it to be too comfortable in there. A 12-minute video presentation on the history of the Oilers going back to the old American Football League days “because you should always know where you came from,” Munchak said.

Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. Really? Those were your ideas?

/marks Titans down for -67 wins

I’d look out for Tennessee, if I were you. Sure, they may not have Chris Johnson, but they wear BLAZERS ON THE BUS. They respect the blazer. Show me another team with that kind of attention to detail.

Before my 80 minutes with Munchak Thursday, I didn’t know him well at all. But I’ll be watching this team very closely.

That’s the perfect Peter King passage, right there. “I don’t know this guy at all. But after having a Zulu Blend with him, I love him! I bet the Titans win fourteen games now! Every team is awesome because they spend time with me! I bet Mike and I go to a minor league game together sometime!” Peter is basically the Harry Knowles of football. If you talk to him, he loves your work. Also, he’s a fatty.

“…They’re daily. They’re constant. They’re unbelievable.”

— Raiders coach Hue Jackson, to Sam Farmer of the Los Angeles Times, on his conversations with owner Al Davis.

Jackson was actually misquoted there. He was referring to Davis’ facial pus geysers.

Bill Parcells turns 70 today. “That’s pretty good,” he said Sunday. “Considering I thought I’d be shot or hung before I turned 40.”

“By a JAP.”

I asked him what he was going to do for his birthday.

“Find Terry Glenn and call him a faggot.”

“Nothing,” he said. “Nothing at all.”

PETER: OMG! Nothing! That’s my favorite thing to do, too! I’m gonna keep an eye on your team, Coach!

Part of the fun of driving across America is learning the geography of places you’ve never been.

Oh, God.

Take Thursday night, driving east-southeast on I-24 in southeastern Tennessee, a half-hour west-northwest of Chattanooga, on the way to the Falcons-Jaguars game in northeast Florida Friday night.

Goddamn deer. Why can’t you brainless mammals jump in front of Peter’s bus more often?

Seven miles north of the northern Alabama border, there’s an exit for Tennessee-Alabama Fireworks.

Drive 15 minutes. “Welcome to Georgia.”

No way. Driving in a car for a while advanced you to a NEW state?

“You are now in the Eastern Time Zone.”

/mind asplode

I HAVE TO MOVE MY WATCH FORWARD! WHAT A COUNTRY! This is some serious Bob Papa shit right here.

Drive six minutes. “Welcome to Tennessee.”

Drive 11 minutes. “Welcome to Georgia.”

Drive 8 minutes. “Welcome to Starbucks, Mr. King.”

Drive 24 minutes. “Welcome to Toone P. Wiggins.”

Drive 45 minutes. “Welcome to TF Green Providence Airport. Why didn’t you use your GPS to get here, dickhead?”

Drive seven hours and 33 minutes (with a hotel stop in Atlanta). “Welcome to Florida.”

Astonishing. It’s like I’m in the car with you! No, really. It is. I feel like I’m trapped in the car and you just laid an egg fart.

Tennessee shouldn’t get a false sense of security minus Chris Johnson, but the Titans have rushed for 6.4 yards a carry with Matt Hasselbeck and the first-unit offense on the field: 19 carries, 121 yards, one touchdown.

And best of all, Mike Munchak said no more hippity hop on your iPod! If I’m a Tennessee fan, I’m sitting back and popping the bubbly!

All along we’ve thought Ryan Torain might be the biggest threat to Tim Hightower for carries in Washington. Turns out it might be rookie Roy Helu, who has been a perfect fit in the Redskins’ one-cut-and-get-upfield running style.

Draft him in the third round!

The Eagles were awful Thursday night. And in Week 6 of the regular season, you’ll laugh about it.

I know, because there’s no way they’ll EVER play bad football like that again!

Great note by Vito Stellino in the Florida Times Union. He wrote the Jags, under character-conscious Gene Smith, didn’t have a single player on the 90-man roster from scandal-plagued USC, Miami (Fla.) or Ohio State. But they did have two apiece from Mount Union (Ohio) and Norfolk State, where, presumably, $50,000 checks are not being written to star players.

The Jaguars’ record under Smith? 15-17. Quasi-Munchakian! Thank God they didn’t draft anyone from those thuggity thug schools!

I think I’m not sure if the Raiders and 49ers should play in the preseason anymore if it’s going to result in one man being beaten to the point of having life-threatening injuries, another man shot in the face after the game, and another man shot between two and four times in the stomach after the game. By the way, anyone still wondering why the Niners want to move to Santa Clara?

So true. I remember distinctly hearing John York say to people, “We need a new stadium in Santa Clara because we’re extremely concerned about fan violence.” Except that he didn’t because the team is moving because of money and they’d relocate to fucking Tripoli right now if it meant a higher revenue stream.

I think the Ryan Williams injury (is a) big a blow to the team… This is a perfect spot for a look at Tiki Barber.

“Tiki! I found you a job!”

Not necessarily a signing of Barber; a look.

Call it a 40% signing.

But GM Rod Graves told Barber’s agent, Mark Lepselter, Saturday the Cards were looking in a different direction.

Which is so MEAN! Why can’t any of these people hire Peter’s good friend? I mean, apart from the fact that he’s old and shitty and an asshole and would almost certainly demand more playing time than he merited? WHAT IS THE DOWNSIDE?

I just don’t get why a team desperate for an experienced back wouldn’t look at him.

I don’t get it at all. He’ll come in and ruin your team chemistry and fuck your interns. What’s not to love?

It can’t do any harm to work him out. I realize there are some teams who need spare running backs to also play special teams. But teams like Arizona, Detroit and Tampa Bay have enough youth all over their roster to take on a veteran back and make him a runner only.

Why don’t you post his goddamn resume for him while you’re at it?

(Randy) Moss has been a consistent supporter of former Patriot teammate Heath Evans’ charity work, and he was at a golf tournament in Florida for the charity when he came upon a pregnant woman working a beverage cart on the course.

He then told the woman her drinks sucked and kicked her in the womb.

Hilarious line on, the fantasy-baseball site. Called Kevin Youkilis “the Greek God of Back Pain.”


You may have to be a Moneyball’ person to get that one.

I know, because you’d never get that joke if you just scouted it once in person. It’s totally unimpressive if you only judge it with your gut.

Heck of a job, Charles Robinson. Be proud of your work on the Miami Hurricanes story.

Way to go, guy who does real reporting! If you and Al Breer keep it up one day, you could go to Italy and shit!

I would love to comment on something in the real world, like TV shows or movies…

TV shows and movies, which are the totally the real world.

…or something other than football, Rolo McFlurries and the road. But this week I’m a little short on that.

No! NOOOOOOOO! I DEMAND YOUR THOUGHTS ON KIM K’S WEDDING! What does it say about our country?!

I read the New York Times once and USA Today two or three times…

My favorite section of the paper is purple!

(good work on the Matt Cassel feature, Jim Corbett)

Jesus Christ, how many journalistic shoutouts does one column need? “Let me just compliment every other journalist out there so that I can use my column to conveniently expand my Rolodex. Great job on that piece in Esquire, Clunt Fartstock!”

…so I don’t know much about anything right now.

I love that you make it sound like that’s somehow a change from other weeks. Sorry, guys. Peter’s a bit empty-headed this week. Join him next week as he gets back on track by fucking up Jani Lane’s given name, decrying the lack of a U2 channel on Sirius, and wishing Liz Whiteley well.

I did read that incredible story about the three supposed killers released in West Memphis Friday after being imprisoned for 18 years for killing three young boys.

Oh, and I found the BEST taco recipe! Tell you about it in a few paragraphs, Jon!

Finally was able to try Bell’s Oberon Ale, a pale wheat ale from Michigan that I’d heard a lot about. I’m sold.

It must be citrusy.

Terrific, light citrusy and bold flavor with a thick head.

IT IS! This man is more reliable than the wait staff at the Capital Grille.

Terrific latte, right down to the foam artwork on the top of the drink, at Kaldi’s Coffee Roasting Company in St. Louis. Espresso with no trace of bitterness is not common in many places, even Starbucks.

Whoa hey, are you telling Starbucks, which has singlehandedly revived the American economy, does not always brew an optimal cup of coffee?

But Kaldi’s gave me a smooth but sufficiently strong drink.

10% more robust and I’ll give you the kind of shoutout I gave Charles Robinson, Kaldi!

Coffeenerdness II: In the Tennessee Titans press room Thursday, I mentioned I’d be stopping for a coffee on the way out of there, and one by one the writers said they didn’t touch the stuff. Only John Glennon of the Tennessean said he had the occasionally coffee or latte, but it was no big thing for him. “What kind of press room is this?” I asked. “No coffee drinkers! It’s an outrage!”

Mike Munchak banned them from drinking it. SUPER BOWL HERE THEY COME.

Don’t let me down, Ryan Lavarnway. I picked you up to keep my ninth-place standing in my fantasy baseball league.

Trading Roy Halladay for you was the right move!

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