R.I.P. Peyton Manning

03.07.12 6 years ago 81 Comments

Peyton Manning has left the Colts, just like everyone said he would. But first everyone had to get emotional and cry about it. First, Irsay cried, then Peyton cried, then I cried, but only because I turned off the press conference and the “Jurassic Bark” episode of Futurama was on.

From there, things went full-on cray. It was reported that someone cut a yeti. I don’t know why. It’s Peyton Release Day. Crazy sh*t just happens.

Immediately thereafter, the billboard wars were struck. An Arizona mattress company, unwilling to let Miami have all the highway ad excitement, put up a billboard asking Peyton Manning to sleep over so they can smoke Darnell Dockett’s weed and eat donuts together.

Then Brian Billick showed up, reeking of piss and his rotten opinions. He said he just came from a three-way with Howard Mudd and Ron Paul. He suggested Peyton join them, but only if gains 80 pounds in beard weight and brings Rob Lowe.

Finally, Rich Eisen took a moment to troll Joe Flacco by suggesting that the Ravens should avenge Baltimore losing its franchise 30 years ago by driving Mayflower trucks to Indy to carry Peyton Manning to Baltimore. Somehow, Jason La Canfora didn’t discuss that idea out of hand, so he should obviously be fired. Still, that whole backward Irsay revenge thing would be nice in a way. Everyone likes free trash haul-away service.

Of course, there will be many more Peyton-related derpage developments to come in the following weeks. We’ll cover the ones that amuse us but otherwise remain hopeful he just hurries up and signs for $100 million with the Redskins.

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