Celebrities: they’re better-looking than we are. They really are. Oh sure, we can point out the Danny DeVitos and Whoopi Goldbergs and complain about Megan Fox’s thumbs as much as we like, but the cold hard truth is that the average celebrity is light years more attractive than the average person.
As such, celebrities are entitled to bed whichever other attractive they like, especially movie co-stars or musical collaborators. Star athletes are also encouraged to use any means possible to get in touch with attractive women, whether it’s telling ball boys to round up groupies in the stands or using their agents to procure the phone numbers of Victoria’s Secret models. I’d like to denounce this practice, but it’s precisely what I’d do if I had the fame and the resources.
Now, there are certain exceptions to the rules of celebrities dating uggos. Rock stars and similarly talented artists are allowed to pull a certain percentage hotter than what they deserve because chicks like talent (and money). So that explains Seal with Heidi Klum, as well as anyone Mick Jagger’s ever been with. But what follows are some of the most egregious rule-breakers — the celebrities who date everyday douchebags and ugly people. DAMMIT! Don’t they realize that ugly, unimpressive person could be ME?
Arranged, generally, from least to most inexplicable:
Yvonne Strahovski and Tim Loden:
No, apparently that’s not a lanky lesbian getting cozy with the female lead of NBC’s “Chuck.” It’s Tim Loden, a supposed “actor” who has only three credits on his IMDb page — and none since 2008. But why should he work? His job is nailing the blonde Australian who plays nerd fantasy Agent Sarah Walker. In case that picture doesn’t make you mad enough, check out this gallery of the two of them.
Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek:
This photo was taken in 1990, one year after The Cars’ lead singer married the Czech supermodel, and six years after they first met when she starred in the video for “Drive.” FUN FACT: At the time, Porizkova was 19 and Ocasek was 35 and married to someone else.
Now, don’t get me wrong: “Drive” is a good song. But when you look like Keith Richards’s lesbian aunt, it’s not a “land Paulina Porizkova” song. Maybe a “snag Kathleen Turner two years after her peak” song.
Aaron Johnson and Sam Taylor-Wood:
Perhaps you don’t recognize Aaron Johnson. He’s the 19-year-old star of Kick-Ass. The woman in the photo is the 42-year-old director of his previous movie whom he impregnated and then got engaged to.
Now, I understand: 19-year-old kids are dumb. A 19-year-old dude can’t be faulted for putting his penis in anything that isn’t bolted down in a museum (although if you ask me, that Georgia O’Keeffe painting is totally asking for it). Hell, if you’re a 19-year-old guy, go ahead and impregnate all the cougars you want — but don’t marry one. Nineteen-year-old movie stars have only one purpose on God’s green Earth, and that is this: slay all the hot tail that falls into your lap. (Doing massive amounts of drugs is optional, but recommended.)
Christina Aguilera and Jordan Brafman:
When these met, Christina Aguilera was one of the hottest and most talented musical acts in the business, as well as the sex symbol most unafraid to change her image since Madonna. Bratman was a “music marketer,” whatever that is.
True, he looks like a less-attractive version of Tom Green, but Aguilera swears by their sex life, even talking in interviews about how they have designated naked time. I’m sorry, but that blows my f*cking mind. Is she blind? Was she abused as a young woman? Did he just open the door for her on a bad day? I honestly want to know how that happened, so that I can do the same thing to an equally wealthy and sexy woman with bad judgment.
Clive Owen and Sarah-Jane Fenton:
WHAT?!?! What in God’s name is going on here?
The answer to that question is that Owen met Fenton when they played the leads in Shakespeare’s The Two Gentlemen of Verona Romeo and Juliet. They got married in 1995 and have two daughters, the latter of which was born five or six years after the above picture was taken. Why does Sarah-Jane look like that? Well, I blame Owen’s openness about being faithful to his wife:
Owen can boast plenty of beautiful costars – from Angelina Jolie in Beyond Borders, Julia Roberts [and Natalie Portman] in Closer and Jennifer Aniston in Derailed to Monica Bellucci in Shoot ‘Em Up – but the married star says he’d never have an affair with a costar.
“I so value what I’ve got at home with my wife and kids that I’ve never f—-ed with that,” Owen, 42, tells Playboy in its September issue. “For me, that’s what it’s about.” [People, 2007]
Now, it’s marvelous that he’s a committed family man. But I’m gonna throw this out there: there’s no “for skinnier or for fatter” in celebrity wedding vows. What Sarah-Jane is doing is straight up disrespect. She’s practically daring Clive to leave her for Monica Bellucci. And he’d be right to do it.
Salman Rushdie and ANYONE:
Salman Rushdie is a wildly overrated writer who dates and/or marries women who are so far out of his league that they shouldn’t acknowledge his presence if he were a billionaire with a 14-inch wang. That son of a bitch even got all up on Scarlett Johansson in one of her music videos.
The only thing that keeps him from being farther down this list: Padma Lakshmi divorced him and got pregnant with someone else, Olivia Wilde married an Italian prince, and ScarJo is married to Canadian six-pack owner Ryan Reynolds. So at least none of these hotties are taking this dickwad seriously.
Adriana Lima and Marko Jaric:
Adriana Lima is a Victoria’s Secret Angel and one of the most famous supermodels in the world. Marko Jaric is — and I use this term in the loosest sense possible — an NBA player. Over the years, this is what I’ve had to say about Jaric (note: all links have Adriana Lima galleries):
- “If his eyes were any closer together he’d be a cyclops”
- “rat-faced Slav with no discernible star power”
- “adolescent pirate”
- “a six-foot-seven weasel with opposable thumbs”
- “ratfaced Eurotrash scrub”
They first started dating two years ago, and it STILL pisses me off. Their marriage is the rough equivalent of Michael Jordan winning his sixth NBA championship and settling down with a plus-size Sears catalog model.
Christina Hendricks and Geoffrey Arend:
Yes, the weird-looking friend from (500) Days of Summer is married to the curviest reason to watch “Mad Men.” Or perhaps you recognize him as this guy from Super Troopers:
There’s an apocryphal story that Broken Lizard — the guys who made Super Troopers and Beerfest — always give one role in their movies to the first person to audition for a role. And the story goes — I can’t confirm this, which makes me more inclined to believe it — that Arend landed the role of “College Boy 3” — his first live-acting role — for just that reason. And that put his acting career in motion. So basically, if you’re inclined to believe Internet rumors — and God knows that’s how I make my living — some weird-lookin’ guy showed up early to a job interview, and as a direct result, he’s laying pipe to the redhead with the biggest tits in Hollywood. That seems fair.
Marisa Miller And Griffin Guess:
Now, you may notice that there’s no husband in the above picture (full-size here). I did that as a public service, because you should be warned before setting your eyes on the so-called “music producer” that makes a living off of being married to a woman whose only flaw is the man she married. It starts with him being named “Griffin” and ends with him being the perfect embodiment of every douchebag who’s ever tried to hard to look cool.
Are you ready to look at him?
All right, here goes:
There is no god.