Does Anyone Know You Like The FDA?

Senior Writer
09.09.10 10 Comments

As a famously macho man, I don’t like anything that someone could even momentarily mistake as sissyesque. That’s why I’ve devoted a good portion of my life to proving that tea is a man’s drink and it goes with activities like repairing transmissions, bench pressing swimsuit models, and sipping while reading “Tess of the D’urbervilles”… wait, no. I mean, GRRRRRRRRRR! SCRAP METAL TACOS AND DRAG RACING! But at least the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has my back, and they’re the people who keep us safe.

The FDA has issued a warning to Unilever, the parent company of Lipton Tea, that it needs to settle down with its ad campaign for the company’s immensely popular Green Tea. Lipton’s web site prominently features the slogan “Tea Can Do That.” The problem is that they’re being a little too frivolous with what tea can actually do, thus clouding the line between food product that eases my hangovers and beneficial health drug. Unilever isn’t the only offender, as the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group (Ed. – hipster band name?) also received a warning for similar marketing of Canada Dry Sparkling Green Tea Ginger Ale. Oddly, no warning was issued for Jose Cuervo’s Green Tea Time Travel Potion.

Meanwhile, AquAdvantage is awaiting word from the FDA over approval of genetically engineered salmon that could increase food supplies drastically as a trendsetter. By using growth hormones, the company has developed salmon that mature in age in half the time as lame, stupid salmon that just grow up normally. Critics accuse the FDA and AquAdvantage of rushing this decision and say the hormones could be very harmful to humans. Um, excuse me? It’s the FDA. I think they know what they’re doing. Now who wants to chug some Accutane?

Finally, in this probably won’t make you grow flippers or lose your colon news, the FDA is still waging war with an old nemesis that just won’t die – laser pointers. No matter how hard the administration tries or how many warnings are posted on a web site none of us know about, companies continue to sell laser pointers that exceed the FDA guidelines. A Swiss teenager recently lost partial use of one eye after prolonged exposure to a laser pointer, and you may ask, “What does that have to do with the FDA?” And then I’ll get all up in your grill and tell you that more powerful laser pointers are available online and the FDA can’t police that. Thankfully he still has a perfectly good eye so he can read this wonderful FDA news. In your face, technology!


  • FDA warns Lipton Tea maker to tone down the awesomeness of green tea. (NPR)
  • Genetically engineered salmon will age faster, probably eat you. (CNN Blogs)
  • It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye to a laser pointer. (The Body Odd)



  • Don‘t bother with those non-FDA approved, expensive weight loss pills anymore. Don‘t even bother with hard work, exercise and a healthy diet. No, your key to weight loss is good old brain surgery. More specifically, deep brain stimulation. I know, seems so obvious, right? (ABC News)
  • A medical marijuana card holder in Oregon was arrested for growing too much pot. Asked the arrestee, “Hey man, like, would you not save a man for, like, having too much cancer? Woah man, I just blew my mind.” (KEZI News)



  • In 2009, the FDA approved 26 new drugs, 7 of which were biotech-related. In 2008, the FDA only approved four new biotech drugs. Also, in 2008 my bike was stolen. Boo 2008! (Cross Border Biotech)
  • In 1992, the American public spent more than $30 billion on weight loss products. Currently, we’re spending more than twice that on food and diet supplements that promise to shed unwanted pounds, while few actually work. (Worldometers)


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