Happy Patriots Schadenfreude Day

01.21.13 5 years ago 117 Comments

The Super Bowl matchup is set and the Patriots are not in it. For that, we can be grateful. You may be less than thrilled to have to put with the 49ers and the Ravens. You may have considerable issues with the idea of enduring endless hype about the HarBowl, Ray Lewis’ farewell camera mugging, Michael Crabtree, Joe Flacco or any other possible storyline about the game. That’s fine. I’m not here to convince you to enjoy Super Bowl XLVII. But you have another two full weeks to grouse about that stuff. For now, leave all that aside and join us in the annual KSK rite that is laughing at the Patriots failures.

Since KSK started in 2006, we’ve seen the Patriots lose two Super Bowls, two conference championship games, lose another playoff game to the Ravens, go one-and-done to their archrivals after getting homefield advantage and miss the playoffs in 2008 despite going 11-5. Since we’re not self-absorbed, delusional f*ckwits like Bill Simmons, we don’t believe we have jinxing powers or any such nonsense. We simply enjoy the good fortune that has come to those who hate the detestable franchise that is the New England Patriots and their bandwagon Masshole fans.

One might think with the amount of recent postseason failure that the Pats have endured that our reveling in their downfall might start to wane. Quite the contrary. If anything, it only grows with each new disappointment, with each report that Bill Belichick refused to meet with the media after being humiliated on the field, with each critical Wes Welker drop that produced disbelief from fawning media. Like a connoisseur who finds new things to love about a fine art or craft, our appreciation for Patriots failure has only matured and broadened.

Cheers to you, Baltimore Ravens, for being the latest team to bring low these exceptional cheating douchebags and the horrible people who root them on. Whatever you do in two weeks, you can look back upon this day as an everlasting triumph and a great deed to your fellow man.

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