You might think it cruel of me to be picking on this misguided tyke, for no other reason that he violates the first cardinal rule of fandom (to wit: YOU CANNOT ROOT FOR MORE THAN ONE GODDAMN TEAM). But I feel if he stumbles upon some of the negative comments bound to crop up on his YouTube page, he might correct his problem before he reaches the age where he would be forced to answer for his crimes with foot-fed mouthfuls of a parking lot curb.
Now, everyone in their right mind knows the rooting hierarchy goes:
1. Your favorite team.
31-way tie for last place: EVERY OTHER FUCKING TEAM IN THE NFL.
Maybe I can accept a 28-way tie for fourth last followed by the other three teams in your division at 30, 31 and 32. But what this little shit did is beyond the pale. Let’s review.
1. Dallas Cowboys [with douchey chest pound for emphasis] – Die. Even if you live in Dallas. Especially if you live in Dallas.
2. San Diego Chargers – I suppose if one were fucktarded enough to have a “second favorite team” in addition to the Cowboys, this would be a fine selection. Other conference. No discernible bad blood between the teams. Hokay. My blood hasn’t reached proper boil just yet.
3. New York Jets – Again, no real beef with your supposed favorite team, and they’re bad enough so as not to get you labeled a serious bandwagon fan. Rage still kept in check.
4. Chicago Bears – CHICAGO AS NO. 4? WE HAVE A PETER KING IN TRAINING. JUST GOTTA SWAP THE MONSTER-FLAVORED WATER FOR THE COFFEE, DUDE!
5. Detroit Lions – Ah, the token really bad team, solely included for the tortured fandom bona fides. It’s like the anklebiter put some effort into this.
6. New Orleans Saints – Made all the worse because he pronounced the city like Al Michaels. Note he’s now checked off three consecutive NFC teams, two which could be contending for playoff spots with his beloved Cowboys next year.
7. New York Giants – Waitwaitwait. The Cowboys are your favorite team AND YOU HAVE HATED DIVISION RIVALS IN YOUR TOP TEN?! WHAT IN THE NAME OF TERRENCE NEWMAN’S PUCKERED ASSHOLE IS WRONG WITH YOU? EAT TOXIC PLAY-DOH!
8. Philadelphia Eagles – Now you’re just piling on, kiddo.
9. ???????? – WILD CARD BANDWAGON PICK!
10. Seattle Seahawks – And here we have yet another NFC team, one that handed your ‘Boys an embarrassing playoff defeat not but a few years ago. Not only is it another egregious gaffe, but it goes against everything that it means to be a Seahawks fan. They begrudge big game defeats for the rest of their miserable lives. THEY WILL NOT HAVE YOU AS A 13TH MAN!
Unless this kid one day enrolls in an Ivy League school, I don’t think I could hate him more. I assume he has no fatherly presence available to sit him down and tell him only tonguezoomers have multiple teams. But there must be other outlets for getting this sorely needed edification. Do we, as a society, want this idea gaining ground among our youth, that is this aboveboard? That’s it’s okay to split our team allegiance willy-nilly? I’d rather my kid (God forbid) stick his dick in the sink garbage disposal. Or even watch Night at the Museum 2.