Peter King Is The Worst Columnist Alive And No One Finds Him Entertaining

10.14.13 4 years ago 135 Comments


Ive never read a Peter King Column before today. I prefer most of my interactions w/ him to be mostly consisting of trying 2 tell him that theMMQB websight isn’t working on my computer but Ape asked me to give it a shot this morning so that he can take his terrible towel to the cleaners after a big “celebration” or whatever from yesterdays Steelers win. Im a team player folks a real scrappy type columnist so I said Id be happy to try.   I will say this- theres something particularly infuriating about a doofus who will write 1600 words about Tom Brady but fail to acknowledge Adrian Peterson and the tragedy his family endured last week. That’s all I have to say about that.

ON TO THE COLUM: In a nice little retorical flourish, King starts off this whole deal by pretty much printing out screenshots and pasting them on the refrigerator w/ apple “Great Job” stickers of his late night email exchange with Tom Brady:

Last night was as memorable a regular-season game as I remember for our team. —Tom Brady, in an early-morning email, some 11 hours after the unlikely 30-27 New England win over previously unbeaten New Orleans.

ok Pete Ive got a couple questions for you right of the bat here.

  1. Your exchanging 3 AM emails with Brady now? I have to admit thats pretty cool, cant see that happening with many other QBs unless you count all those times you snapchatted litebrite designs with Jason Campbell.
  2. No offense but Im going to have to formally accuse you of plagerism here. This phrase reeks of Peter King so hard I can only imagine Brady saying it w/ your hand up his butt while he sits on your lap.

The latest chapter of the Book of Brady starts with a strange character, one who didn’t play or coach Sunday and was getting roasted for sitting the game out: Rob Gronkowski. We all thought the Gronk story was over when the pre-game shows finished filleting the man

Wow this is pretty raunchy stuff here Pete lets leave the felleting to Rachel Nickles.

and his strange habit of practicing like an Olympian decathlete during the week and then sitting on the couch to watch the game Better than Aaron Hernandez training for half a biathalon every Friday night Brady confirmed it in his email. “All of us have seen how badly Rob wants to help us win,’’ Brady wrote. “He has definitely given all he could in practice, especially on the scout teams to replicate the other teams’ best receiver. Though they may seem insignificant during the week, they are a huge reason why teams win.’’

Its certaintly no secret I played a little bit of High School ball back in my day and I can confirm that Coach use to tell me all the time that my work on scout team was just as important (probably more) then any of the starters. Scout Team players give the starters a look, that’s what we do and anyone whose never been there will ever understand it. Again pretty cool that Peter King emails with Tom Brady and he doesnt need to rub your face in it or anything.

What does this have to do with the scintillating end of game for Brady, the one that left Saints defensive coordinator Rob Ryan looking like his dog just died?

/cums – Mike Vick

Simple: In his previous four games, Graham rubbed out opponents

/cums – Jimmy Grahams opponents

with games of 179, 134, 100 and 135 yards (and five touchdowns). With Talib in his shirt,

I would of thought Talibs more of a type guy whod be airbrushed on a shirt rather then in it.

Graham was targeted six times by Drew Brees, with zero completions. When you go from one guy accounting for 137 yards a game to zero, that’s going to tend to keep an offense down … and in this era of garish passer ratings and yardage numbers, Drew Brees going three-and-out on seven series in a game is pretty amazing.

Just a little protip from me to you here: Nice job w/ the “…” there Pete. Pretty much like 6 times in one of my takes I cant figure out weather to put a comma, one of these things “;” I usually go with “,,” almost to just hypnotize someone in to thinking its the end of a sentence and it usually works.

With 3:29 to play, New Orleans took a 24-23 lead, and the Patriots took the ball over. Hoomanawanui caught a four-yard one-hopper on first down (the officials missed the ball hitting the ground before the catch). Second-down karma: Bolden dropped what would have been a first-down conversion, because he ran before he caught it. And on fourth down, Dobson dropped another conversion throw. Belichick clearly figured—reminiscent of his gambit against the Colts in his own territory in 2009, the difference being here he trailed—his chances to make a first down here were better than his defense’s chances to hold the Saints without points. And if the Patriots held the Saints to a field goal, it was still a one-score game.

He should of taken a safety IMO you should take a saftey everytime instead of punting because you get to punt anyways after safteying yourself. Surprised Peter King didn’t catch that fuzzy math on Belichecks part.

How often does a quarterback have a chance three times in the last 3:30 to drive his team to victory?

Every time they get possession of the ball

Now Brady was taking his third shot, 70 yards away, with no timeouts, and 73 seconds left. Collie had played one snap in this, his first game as a Patriot. But now he’d be on for the duration. The Patriots put their fastest four receivers on the field, all knowing that time was critical. When they caught a ball inbounds, they knew to run it to the umpire or head linesman so the spot could happen quickly.

It has nothing to do with there race but The Pats new Wite Receivers of Edelman Collie and Amendola might be the most headsup in the league folks. Ive heard of handing the ball back to the refs after you score. Now there even acting like they’ve been there before on 3rd down conversions. This is why the Pats are a Elite franchise. If you added up all the seconds Spintana Moss had made a unplayable ball do to a first down celebration its no wonder the Redskins win the time of possession battle but lose every game.

Even when his team is as patchwork as he’s played with in New England. In many ways, that makes this game, and this season, all the more rewarding for Brady.

If having a crapstained hastily thrown together multicolored quilt surrounding you makes Brady happy look for him to demand a trade to the Football Night In America studio next year folks.

Peyton Manning has Demaryius Thomas and Eric Decker; Brady has Kenbrell Thompkins and Aaron Dobson. Manning has Julius Thomas. Brady has Michael Hoomanawanui. Manning’s slot guy is Brady’s beloved slot guy, Wes Welker. Brady’s? Maybe Danny Amendola. Or Julian Edelman. Or Austin Collie.

I dont understand this you just basically got a Amendola Edelman Collie and Brady Mt Rushmore tattoo on your inner thigh now your saying theyre bad? If thats where your going count me out.

What we love about sports is when we can’t quantify the outcome of a game.

Yeah if you dont count drinking til you puke a intestine, fighting people from different states and injurys. Does “the score” count as a quantify by the way?

And for the radio call … Patriots radio analyst Scott Zolak’s analysis after the Thompkins touchdown: “BRADY’S BACK! That’s your quarterback! Who left the building? Unicorns, show ponies, where’s the beef!! Boy, when you thought you’ve seen it all, when it’s total despair, 14 years in the league, this situation after situation he’s been through, to elevate a rookie! My god!” Could be the great non-sequitor radio call of all time.

Did any other games happen?

The biggest reason Kansas City is 6-0: The D.

Hed say its Alex Smith but Alex isnt aloud to use a computer on Sundays and therefore cant provide King with a quarter of his colum.

For a detailed view of the Chiefs, Robert Klemko will have a piece from the great Midwest on The MMQB this afternoon. I’ve read it. It’s good and detailed.

Sounds detailed Ill pass.

For the defensive view, I asked outside linebacker Tamba Hali, who had 3.5 of the sacks against the Raiders, for the difference between this year’s defense and last year’s. The simplest way to look at it is the Chiefs, because Sutton’s defense has some Rex Ryan tendencies (they worked together at the Jets), is a risk-embracing, odd-blitzing group. And it’s working. “We don’t want to give the quarterback time to think,’’ Hali said from Kansas City after the game. “We bring a lot of confusion. Sometimes it looks like all the pressure is coming from one gap.’’

Thats more of a Strahan-era Giants technique then a Jets IMO

I told him Rex Ryan’s defense, dating back to Baltimore, often featured two or three rushers flooding one gap. “Your rush looks like that sometimes—like organized insanity,’’ I said. “Insanity, yeah,’’ he said. “Insanity is the right word.”

Im convinced that when Peter King talks to you he is actually seeing in his minds eye a hologram of himself translating your words into his own language and then interviewing that image of himself. Far as I can tell Petes job is this: Watch football all day, don’t knock over Florios prescription ladder when the two of you are onscreen together, then make America relive your internal dialogue from the past 8 hours.


Now we see the NFL’s response to the month that set diversity back in the league.

Here we go

Last January, as you recall, NFL teams hired eight head coaches and seven general managers. All 15: white.


(The Bills broke the schneid in May by hiring Doug Whaley, who is African-American, to be their general manager.]

{Ever given any thought to the fact that the real racists are minority youth football coaches where they do very little background/criminal record checks (no offense) on there coaches, and theyve been putting our White athletes at positions like General Manager instead of Cornerback and that’s why those positions are filled with Whites?] Funny I must of missed the part of the colum where King talks about his dissappointment in the NFLs council on Defensive Back Diversity and there leadership of John Lynch no offense, Jason Sehorn and Dick LeBeau (French for “The Beautiful Dick”, people forget that).

One way that could help advance minority hiring, particularly of coaches, is to give owners and club executives involved in the hiring process blind resumes—that is, resumes with the background and accomplishments of candidates, but not their names. That way, the theory goes, those hiring could look at an impressive nameless resume and commit to pursue the candidate before knowing who the candidate is. Would it help to be told about a college head coach of a top-10 team who has won 69 percent of his games and been a defensive coordinator at three major-college programs? No one knows if a team would say, “Whoever that is, let’s check him out.” It would, though, render the process colorblind, theoretically, without knowing the candidate is Charlie Strong, the African-American coach at Louisville.

Lets do a little blind resume experiment folks. You’re the, I dont know lets say the Indianapolis Colts and your looking for a new coach after firing Pagano for insurance fraud or whatever. You have three choices:

  1. One candidate drinks 11 martinis pergame and smokes constantly. Hes going to take all your money and make your players build like a powerplant in the weightroom and pay them to build a highway or something so they’ll have a place where they can drive drunk.
  2. One Candidate drinks brandy every morning when he wakes up and looks like a baby with gout., and struggles mightily to defense verses air attacks inside his own territory.
  3. The third candidate is sober, commanding, has attention to detail and runs his program w/ more accountability and process then Nick Saban. He’ll literally make his subordinates run through a brick wall for him and instill a belief that there the best athletes in the entire world.

Congratulations you just hired Adolf Hitler I rest my case.

But no metrics or plans are near final form yet. The committee hopes to have a plan to help the process by late November, and they won’t advance only the names of qualified African-American coaches, according to a league memo sent to the 32 teams.

Last I checked diversity means hiring the best candidate for the job EVEN if that person is a minority. Im not saying this is the case but if a GM has a cool stat that shows that Redskin Coaches (not the team, but the race of people) have better team unity because of spirit quests or whatever, then they should be allowed to use there race a just another point in a series of metrics. You’d be stupid NOT to hire a certain race of people to manage your salary cap just because there really good at Math and Cello, or you hire someone because they really really love money and you know theyll protect your investments and also sue season ticket holders for you if they happen to be a certain ethnicity. People forget that Racism is only when you literally kill someone because you see there skin color and you hate them anything else is PC claptrap designed to make you feel bad a bout yourself out there.

FINE FIFTEEN 1. Denver (6-0). Funny line, and apt, after Montee Ball dropped a pass in the 35-19 win over Jacksonville, from CBS color man Dan Fouts: “Do you think he eats with those hands? He’d starve to death.”

LMAO. FYI I call him Monee Ball because hes so slow he must overvalue walks.

2. Kansas City (6-0). Now the match of 9-0 titans in five weeks looks real. The Chiefs have Houston at home, Cleveland at home and the Bills on the road (and a bye) before traveling to Denver Nov. 17. Denver does have to get through an emotional Sunday nighter at Indy Sunday.

What day of the week is that game on?

6. Seattle (5-1).

But enough about Russel Wilson’s height

7. San Francisco (4-2). So this is what the 49ers have been waiting for: an 18-play, 89-yard drive led by Colin Kaepernick, taking over nine minutes, in the fourth quarter of a 22-20 game against Arizona.

Which I will now narrate in its entirety through a megaphone to a room full of orphans wearing my old sweat-yellowed Kevin Millar jersey-nightshirts that I donated

10. Detroit (4-2). Waiting for the time when there’s a dance in Grand Rapids called “The Fauria.”

Ndamukong Suhs lawyer isnt the only one saying “You got served” on Sundays in Detroit folks.

11. Chicago (4-2). Not saying Marc Trestman has completely overhauled Jay Cutler’s game, because he hasn’t.

Not that Im saying something because Im not But?

But I think Trestman is helping Cutler play smarter, and not taking some of the risky chances he’s taken in the past. He’s a 70 percent passer with no interceptions in the last two games, including the win over the Giants Thursday. 13. Miami (3-2). Out of the bye, Dolphins have the Bills at home, the Pats in Foxboro and the Bengals at home on a Thursday night.

Your just reading the schedule off your refrigerator now Pete. Nuggets on the inside nuggets on the outside folks.

15. Baltimore (3-3). I don’t know what the stranger stat line is. Ray Rice rushing (71 carries, 197 yards, 2.8 per carry) or Ray Rice receiving (20 catches, 87 yards, 4.4 yards per catch).

Grow some balls Peter King,, the only strange thing about that stat is that you didnt type in the sounds you made vinegarstroking while you were righting it. You need to throw some HARD stats at todays discenrnig Football fan, like make up your own metric for the amount of words you need to ask Tony Dungy to translate for you during a Mike Caray coaches challenge explanation. Football is Americas game last time I checked we still have a country barely.

Offensive Players of the Week Tom Brady, QB, New England. A meh day on the stat sheet (25 of 43, 269 yards, one TD, one pick, six drops), but the 30-27 victory over New Orleans was one of the great ones of a great player’s career.

Your entitled to give a award to a player only if its like a once in a lifetime type week even if they dont have the best stat day,, I agree with that-

Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay.  Not Rodgers’ best stat day


Defensive Players of the Week Tamba Hali, OLB, Kansas City. For 40 minutes, KC and Oakland were cuffing each other around in a 7-7 tie at Arrowhead. But the pressure D, led by Hali’s 3.5 sacks, finally made Terrelle Pryor crack.

So let me guess this straight I cant bring Habernero LimeRita MadDogs in to a stadium anymore but Tamba Hali can stuff his jockstrap with Pyrex and baking soda? Got it.

Special Teams Players of the Week Garrison Sanborn, LS, Buffalo. Long-snappers don’t get noticed much. But on the last play of the third quarter in a tight game with Cincinnati, Sanborn snapped from the Buffalo 44-yard line to punter Brian Moorman and took off sprinting. Sanborn ran 51 yards to the Cincinanti 5-yard line, where Adam Jones was trying to find the handle on the punt. Just as he did, Sanborn wrapped up Pacman and downed him at the 5. Great example of hustle and what a big factor a special-teams play can be.

Your damn right Pete. Usually the only way to get Pacman down that quickly is with 3 uniform police a taser or by telling him he dropped some meth.

Goats of the Week The Candlestick fans who did the Wave while Calais Campbell lay injured on the turf. Galling. Made worse because Campbell appeared to be seriously injured. As Niners CEO Jed York tweeted late Sunday night: “To say I’m disappointed while some fans did the wave while @Campbell93 was down is understatement. Get well soon Calais.”

Ok in the first place how were they suppose to know that he wasnt faking it? I had some fun with it at the bar and a bunch of us were calling him Cialis Campbell because if you’re the 9ers, the last thing you want is for that guy to be up for all four hours. In the second place he might not of been injured,, he might of been hurt. Then the fans look like the idiots for NOT booing him.

Terence Newman, CB, Cincinnati. I know, I know. The Bengals came back to win in overtime. Lucky for them after Newman’s fourth-quarter gaffe. How Newman, singled against rookie Marquise Goodwin with the Bengals nursing a seven-point lead, lets the kid get two steps on him to catch the tying touchdown pass and force overtime is beyond me.

Heres where Ape would say something stupid that shows how little he knows about football like “Maybe because Marquise Goodwin is one of the fastest sprinters in the entire world of humans even counting everyone in the Olympics” but the faster you are the faster your out of position in the NFL. Its more about tapespeed.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK I “We’re at a very strange time. We know there’s a problem. We’ve identified a problem. But we don’t have many answers. So it’s a really uncomfortable time knowing a little but not knowing enough.” —Dr. Ann McKee, who has studied 46 deceased former NFL players’ brains and found evidence of chronic traumatic encephalopathy—a crippling brain disease—in 45, at a speech Thursday night at Samford University in Birmingham, Ala. The remarks were reported by the Birmingham News.  McKee, one of the medical stars of the PBS documentary League of Denial, is in my opinion a hero of this movement for pushing for more answers, and more studies of how football affects the brain. As she told the News: “It’s very inconvenient. This is a big problem. It’s not something you can easily solve. It’s going to make your life much more complicated if you’re involved in sports at all. It definitely has huge financial repercussions. And sometimes it’s hard to change people’s minds.”


“Barbaric.” —Houston linebacker Brian Cushing, opining on the Texans fans cheering at a time when embattled quarterback Matt Schaub was laying on the field at Reliant Stadium with an ankle injury Sunday.

Its when fans STOP booing you are showing up at your house to threaten your family and property that Schaub needs to start worrying about his job. These are signs of a engaged fanbase and they pay your salary Brian.  


1. I think this is what I liked about Week 6: b. Brandon Marshall’s green shoes in the win over the Giants Thursday night. Easy for me to say, “Take the silly $5,000 fine,’’ but it was worth it to draw attention to the issue of mental health.

Whatever happen to playing through pain without needing a design team to build you a shoe for it? Plenty of guys out there got there brains nicked every week and don’t need the recognition. In my day being crazy wasn’t something youd brag about and we turned out just fine. Next thing you know Mike Vick will be wearing red shoes to promote herpes awareness or something and we’ll all have to give hima  kiss on the lips just to show how “tolerent” we’ve become.

k. An efficient day for Cam Newton: 20 of 26 with no picks.

4 TDs isnt what Id call “efficient” Pete I call it a Look-At-Me stat from a guy whose trying to pad his numbers so he can get his coach fired. Anything over 2 TDs is a red flag for munity.

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 6: a. It’s easy to pick on Eli Manning, because he’s thrown 15 interceptions.

I actualy still like the Giants as a darkhorse to make the playoffs. They get hot at the right time every year and this has a Superbowl pedigree of Coughlin and Eli. If they can find a way to euthanize Rueben Randle they might make some noise.

But it’s also hard to pick on Manning, because he’s getting chased all over the field every week, and because it appeared his second interception Thursday was a result of Reuben Randle running the wrong route.


h. Brandon Weeden’s self-proclaimed “bonehead” shovel pass intercepted by Detroit’s DeAndre Levy. Just another brick in the wall to a first-round quarterback for Cleveland in 2014.

Probably on account of Josh Gordons rallying cry “We dont need no education” somehow failed to inspire them  

6. I think in case you missed it, Justin Blackmon showed why he’s the most important Jaguar in the 35-19 loss to Denver. This is the game Jacksonville was supposed to lose by 40 and didn’t because the Broncos couldn’t cover the rangy and dangerous Blackmon (14 catches, 190 yards). It’s is absolutely incumbent on the Jags that they corral Blackmon’s personal life and make sure he stays out of trouble for the future. As long as the Jags put him on the field, they’ll be no offensive pushovers.

Hes good to go in London though since hes demonstrated a passion for driving on the wrongside of the road,

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week: DOOOOONNNNNNTTTTT CAAAAAAARRRRRRRREEEEEE (Jay Cutler voice FYI)

g. Coffeenerdness: I have nothing to say about coffee this week, other than I drank a lot of it during the week. Can I have a week off?

Pretty siked PK used this week 2 not talk about coffee.

h. Beernerdness:

Just going 2 give you all my personal gameday drink of the week: Its Miller High Life mixed with Miller Lite this week- I call it Miller High Lite and its drinkability is of the charts folks.

THE ADIEU HAIKU Sunday in Boston: Brady first, then Big Papi Worcester’s hoarse today.

Your takes are JV

Id rather BDSM

K Rhodes SMH

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