Stuff To Distract From The Report That Sean Taylor Is In A Coma

11.26.07 10 years ago 27 Comments

Reports have surfaced that Sean Taylor is now in a coma following surgery from a potentially fatal gunshot wound. This is a decidedly unfunny situation, and we are now faced with a rather morbid watch over Taylor’s health.

But I’ve learned throughout life that humor often serves as a useful distraction in moments such as these. That and sling bikinis. So here now is some random funny shit to help keep us all occupied:

-Hippo rape.

-I was taking a shit one time and had to go wipe my ass. Only, when I wiped, some of the toilet paper remained firmly lodged in my butt. I did not realize this at the time, so I went to go flush. When I flushed, the water gently tugged the paper out of my ass. And I have to tell you, it was kind of thrilling.

-One time I was sitting in a beach chair at a house party and threw up into my lap.

-KSK VP of Research flubby has unearthed this incredible collection of the 16 ugliest men in rock. I’m pretty sure Joey Ramone was born without a jaw.

-Sometimes, when I get an erection, I like to push it down, and then release it while yelling out, “BOING!!!!!!!!!” Sometimes, I imagine a small Chinese diver jumping off of it.

-When I was at boarding school there was a fat kid (one apart from me) who we called Big Fun, after the fat girl in “Heathers” who wears a t-shirt that says those exact words. We used to scream out “BIG FUN!” when he walked in the room. And whenever someone ordered pizza, they’d do it under the name “Big Fun”. So the delivery guy would walk in and say, “Is there a Big Fun here?” Try it with a fat friend of yours. It’s lots of fun.

-The singer for Quiet Riot died. Hilarious! Talk about “Condition Critical”!

-Need a quick shot of fun? Take out your scrotum and walk up to a lady and tell her, “Ew! Look! I sat in some gum! And there’s hair on it!”

-Raiders defensive coordinator Rob Ryan is the Joe Eszterhas of the NFL. He looks like a roadie for Bad Company. I swear, when the Raiders played the Vikings, he was wearing a windbreaker with no shirt underneath. If he isn’t banging 16-year-olds by bribing them with free acid, I’ll be upset.

-Poker Monkey!

-After Thanksgiving Day dinner, I embarked on a farting odyssey that caused my wife to re-evaluate everything about our relationship. It feels good to fart. It really does. It feels like I’m breathing a sigh of relief. I also enjoy making other people recoil with horror at my own stench. It’s a mark-your-territory kind of move. It makes me feel like I have the upper hand. I’m weird.

UPDATE: Taylor is unresponsive and doctors are currently worried about brain damage.

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