The Coming Of The Dastardly Judd Garrett

05.21.08 9 years ago 50 Comments

Wade: Finally! Memorial Day weekend is just round the corner. I don’t care what the Bossman says. I don’t care if there’s still work on the desk. Come tomorrow, at 5PM sharp, I am out of here. Gone, partner! I’m takin’ Friday off and makin’ a daggum four-day weekend of it! Damn right! And I’m not gonna do a darn thing. I’m just gonna stay home and work on the ol’ boat. The girl could use a fresh coat of varnish. Yup, I reckon I’ll have myself a nice, long weekend of doing nothing at all.

Best of all, I don’t hear any rumbling coming from outside my door. None whatsoever! That crazy asshole is busy with the CBA, so I know there’s NO WAY he’s coming through that door right now.

(door flies open)

Garrett: Hmm. Oh dear. Seems a stray whale has become trapped in this office! Oh, heavens! The stench from the ambergris would drown Melville in eternal sorrow! Call me Repulsed!

Wade: What do you want, you big jerk?

Jason: Wade Phillips, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you, and the many satellites orbiting around your body, the new assistant director of player personnel for the Dallas Cowboys…

(door flies open)

Judd: My God, dear brother. You told me many tales of The Great Thing. But nothing could prepare me for encountering the beast in person! So very hideous! I shall need a snifter of Harvey’s Bristol Cream at once to ward off the pant fumes!

Wade: Jesus. You have a brother?

Jason: Yes. Indeed. Isn’t it grand? Finally, I have someone to bounce ideas off of.

Judd: Indeed. I bet when you bounce ideas off that leviathan, they ricochet all the way to Montpellier!

Jason: Ha ha ha!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Ha ha ha!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Ha ha ha!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Say, dear brother, do you remember the time we were at our Eating Club at Princeton, and we ATE?

Judd: Oh, yes. We feasted upon strawberries and laughed at all those Depression-era Jacob Riis photos of homeless people!

Jason: What a fabulous pursuit!

Judd: Indeed! That was a very good eating, indeed!

Wade: I wish you people would stop saying “indeed” all the time.

Jason: Oh, what would you know of high culture, you over-inflated dirigible?

Judd: Yes, what Eating Club were you in, my good man? I bet you’re honorary chairperson of the Subway Club, yes?

Wade: Shut up.

Jason: Never you mind him, dearest Judd. He knows nothing of proper eating. Only a Princeton man can truly appreciate the rewards of collective ingestion.

Judd: Indeed. I’m assuming the only company he keeps while eating is with his giant sense of shame.

Wade: What do you two big jerks want?

Jason: Oh, we’re just here to throw you out of your office.

Wade: What?!

Jason: Yes, my good man. I’m afraid this office has been reassigned as the sole, exclusive province of the assistant director of player personnel. And that would be…

Judd: Why, that would be me, my brother!

Jason: Why, you are correct, my brother!

Judd: How delightful!

Jason: How lovely!

Judd: (twirls lacrosse stick) We should have a good eating to celebrate the occasion!

Jason: Yes, this most certainly calls for a good, substantive eating!

Wade: Well, where the heck am I moving?

Jason: Well, you see, old Mrs. McCleary in ticketing retires at the end of next year. So, until her departure, you’ll be sharing her cubicle with her. Actually, it’s less a cubicle and more of a… movable overhead projector trolley. But you’ll finally have someone to TALK to! Won’t that be nice?

Wade: No, no, no. That won’t do. I need more space!

Jason: No doubt about that.

Wade: Well, who signed off on this?!

(door flies open)


Wade: Fuck.

Jerry: How’s it going, Fatty? I see you’ve been doing your KUGEL EXERCISES! How do you like my new boy JUUUUUDD? Isn’t he a goddamn STAR?

Wade: He’s very nice.

Jerry: HE’S A FUCKING STAR, CHUBBA HO-TEP! I got me TWO Princeton boys now. That’s one, two… TWO GODDAMN PRINCETON BOYS! I tell ya, we’re fifty times smarter than those faggots in New England. You know Bill Belichick went to Wesleyan, Tubby? A GODDAMN GIRL’S SCHOOL! No one’s ever gonna outfox ol’ DOUBLE-J again!

Wade: Sir, I cannot possibly move my office. I have countless files that I need to keep on hand.

Jerry: Calm down, Butterfuoco. I know how much you loooove collecting take-out menus. But my boy JUUUUUDD needs the room! So I expect you to stay here packing up ALL WEEKEND LONG, and have your shit outta here by daybreak Tuesday!

Wade: But it’s Memorial weekend, sir!

Jerry: Oh, really? Gonna build a double bacon cheeseburger memorial in your yard, are ya, Captain Cottage Cheese? You know ya can always order another, don’t ya? THE DOUBLE-J DOESN’T CARE! You’re here to work, little piggy mule! SO WORK!

Wade: God dammit.

Judd: Say Mr. Jones, would you care to join us for an eating?

Jason: Indeed! We were just going to go somewhere with nice wood paneling and Tiffany lamps, and sit down for a proper, afternoon eating. Won’t you join us?

Jerry: Well, that sounds downright elegant, Judd and Jason. I KNEW I MADE THE RIGHT MOVE HIRIN’ YOU TWO!

Wade: But sir…

Jerry: No buts. Now you butter up that fat ass of yours and get movin’! And leave the staple remover! That’s my boy’s now! You’ll just have to chew your staples out like the rest of the fatties!

Wade: I hate this place.


Around The Web