03.06.13 5 years ago 45 Comments

WHAT THE FACK IS THE WORLD COMING TO? I can’t believe Welkah could be awn anothah team next ye-uh. WELKAH! THE HAHHHTTT AND SOUL AND GRITTY GUTTY GUTS OF SCRAP SAWX NATION! Sure, he once played for those face-eating Miami faggots, but that was before Welkah became WELKAH. WE MADE HIM A FACKIN STAHHHH. Before he joined farces with JAWNNY FARRELL NATION, Welkah just another in a long line of drifter Oklahoma nobodies with cactus needles in his pissah.

[Thinks Oklahoma is in the Southwest]

When Deion Branch cashed in on the Greatriot Way back in 2005, I knew it was just another uppity dahhkkieeee seeing dollah signs and rap videos instead of the good of his cah-reeah. As soon as that parch monkey got done stealing millions from Seattle, he was ready to win again, so he marched back to Bahhston with his dangling dahhhkie dick between his legs. We found it in ow-ah hahhhts to welcome him back but we nevah forgot his treachery. It was confahmation that the team comes befahhh the individual.

What spartswriters often fahget is that dealing with disloyal dahhhkies is a reality of sparts. That’s why the blue-collah fans of HANRAHAN NATION know nawt to cheer them. Whereas most would hear applause from a crowd and feel pride for a job well done, a daaahhhkkkieeee just hears the cash registah ring and thinks of how many mo-ah rims and rawks he can buy.

[Emails suggestions for slurs to writers at “The Jeselnik Offensive”]

That’s why I am in SHAWK and DISBELIEF to the news that Wesley Fackin Welkah wants to hit the free agent mahhhket. This is why I said bringing in Aqueen Talib was a bad idea. It is clear that he cah-rupted the team with shiftless shucking and jiving. NO ONE DENIES THIS! All becawse Belichick was desperate for a cornahback. IF YOU NEEDED A DAHHHKIE CORNAH SO BAD, GO GET TROY BROWN! HE WAS THE RARE HAHHHD-WORKING DAHHKIEEE. YOU DON’T LET THOSE GO! THEY AHHH LIKE UNICAHNS. Talib was a big gamble and it didn’t pay off so now the team is poisoned with dahhhkieeocity and we may lose Welkah as a result.

Tawmmy Brady might be a cawk-hungry mincy faggot like Seth MacFahhhlane without the KILLAH BOOB SONGS, but he came through fo-ah the team. He took less money, because Tawmmy, even when on his diva period pussy cramps, knows he owes everything he has to FUTURE BRIAN HAHTLINE NATION. He gets it. He’s a team playah. Unfortunately, Tawmmy’s gestcha was too little, too late. Welkah was already hopelessly cawntaminated with dahhkieee bling lust.

Bahston is a brotherhood. Once you leave, even if it is tempahrahree and for good reason, you ahhh cast out forevah in ow-ah minds! Welkah may think he’s gaining but in reality he is losing something fahhhhh mo-ah valuable than money: OW-AH RESPECT! No longah ahhh you the beloved undersized son of a city, you ahh just ivory dahhkieee Deion Branch PAHT TWO!

Around The Web